Bump In The Road

Here is a quick update:

http://therikers03.blogspot.com/2011/12/bump-in-road.html

*Update* A Weighty Issue

Just a quick little update on one of my last posts where I was VERY concerned about my weight. At that appointment, my thyroid labs were a bit off, so I began synthroid (It also helps with crazy pills work better which is always a positive!) I left that appointment and was scheduled to return in 8 weeks. Well, that was this past Wednesday and I was ever so nervous as I knew that I would face the scale and since I am still dealing with swelling, there is no telling WHAT it could say. . .

As always, I very carefully picked out my clothes, putting a lot of thought into what I would and would not wear. Finally the time came and we were called back. Ms. Hannah was there with me and she held my purse and 'watched' my shoes as I stepped onto the scale. I was scared. I could feel tears in my eyes, I was SO incredibly scared. Never would I have guessed what I saw next. . .

I was 6 pounds lighter than I was just 8 weeks prior! I was ecstatic! My doc saw me at the scale and came over and I quickly whispered in his ear 'my good news' and he gave me the evil eye as he knows all to well my obsession!

Anyhow, so that is where we stand. I still have 6 pounds to go to my pre-hyst weight, but I am not worried anymore. . . well, at least not obsessing anymore!

Nerve Block #__

I had another appointment with my new pain doc - I know that I have said it before, but I really like him! He takes his time. He listens. He explains things. He understands. He sees me as a person and not just a patient. Both he and his staff are great. And, he is by far, the most committed to helping me with this pain -This is what happened:

• He agreed that the swelling is probably just taking its sweet time leaving my legs, thanks to the Lyrica. He again said that it was nothing to be concerned with, so I will do my best to not worry about it! Just leave the occasional fingerprint!
• We spoke about other medications and realized that I have exhausted most of them. 
• We spoke about the intensity of the pain - on here, I can put down my guard, but in person, I can *nearly always* put that smile on and pretend. Today, that smile left, and I was able to let him know just how tired of this I am. He listened and was an incredible comfort. 
• After a brief belly exam, and because I had no kiddos (thank you SO very much Mackenzie!), the decision was made to start the process of a combination of nerve blocks, while trying to break up some of the adhesions in that lower right quadrant. (I did not even flinch!)

So, all in all, today was a great visit. I am beyond grateful that we have found this man and that he is SO confidant in what he does and in his ability to "fix" me! I return in 2 weeks for the second block. . . until then, my fingers are crossed and my prayers are being said! 

In my last post, I was VERY discouraged. I was at a point of hopelessness. The one thing that I had prayed for and hoped for was, in combination with another medicine, causing adverse side effects. I was completely beyond myself, feeling like everything was crashing down on me. The tears were flowing most of the night. I needed to be alone as I did not want the kiddos or my devoted spouse to see me THIS upset, but once you become a mom, there is no such thing as alone time or privacy. . . and maybe that night, that was a good thing. . .

After talking with the doc, it was decided to take one Lyrica only at night. I began this immediately and at first it helped. Then after a week, the swelling came back and this time, it was MUCH worse than before. I immediately went up the road to have my blood pressure checked (103/68) to make sure that was not the culprit, and it obviously, was not. So, I once again called the doc, but this time I not only called my pain management doc, but also my primary. Pain Management doc wanted me to come in the next morning, and while I was grateful that he did not think I needed to be seen right then, I was scared. My ankles were HUGE. I could not slide my feet into shoes, they were that huge. It was ridiculous.

So, since I was not comfortable, and I am persistent, I knew how to get in touch with my primary when I need to, and I took full advantage of it! I am grateful that I did, as he was able to connect the dots and tell me that it was the COMBO of 2 of my meds that were causing this. He said that although it was not dangerous, that I needed to stop the Lyrica. . .Not what I wanted to hear. It was stopped and within about a week, the swelling was nearly all gone. I still have some residual that just is not wanting to go away, but for the most part, it is resolved. To say that I feel defeated is an understatement. I wanted this to work. I want to be free of this. But, I guess I just need to be patient and trust that this is His will for now. . .

Say it ain't so. . .

I am full of fear right now. Full of anxiety. Full of questions. . .

About 2 days ago, I noticed that I was retaining fluid in my ankles, having some crazy headaches, and my vision was becoming quite blurry. I kind of buried it in the recesses of my mind as there were far more important things happening. Then last night, I noticed that my ankles had turned into 'kankles,' the vision was quite bad, and the headache was very present. I e-mailed a pharmacist friend and she advised to call my doc as it could potentially be a reaction to the Lyrica. When I read her response, my heart sank. I excused myself to the bedroom where I just sobbed. . .

When I began the Lyrica on September 28, I also began a Novena to St. Gianna Beretta Molla. I asked her to intercede on my behalf. To make this medicine the one that I needed. Last Sunday, October 2, when the pain level intensified greatly, I began one to the Blessed Mother. I needed this medicine to work. It had to work. . .

Last night, I decided to not call the doctor and when I woke, I had ankles again! Although they were still a bit fluffy, there were there! Within a few hours, they had disappeared again. This time, I went up the road to my pharmacy and spoke with the pharmacist face to face. He asked questions and looked on the computer and then told me that I needed to all the doctor today. When we came home I did. . .

Now, I sit and wait for the return phone call with the tears running off of my cheeks. Incredibly fearful of what might be said or done. I am praying that this is okay and that I can continue on the medicine. That this is just no big deal. But, the fear has taken hold and I am scared as this medicine HAS to work. . .

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

UPDATE:

 I just got off of the phone with the doc and we are going to decrease the Lyrica to once a day. He said that this is a rare complication of the med and so decreasing the dose or tapering off will help. I see him on Tuesday as a follow up to the pain increase from last week and we will come up with a plan then. My emotions right now are all over the place. I wanted and needed this to work, but it looks like my body just will not tolerate it. So, we wait and see. . .

My novena to the Blessed Mother ends on Tuesday, so maybe this is a good sign. . . At least I pray it is!

SO. . .

We, well I guess this should be I, have heard yet again, from yet another doctor the exact same thing. I truly thought that, with the hysterectomy, that my days of second, third, fourth, and so on opinions were over. Hopefully they are now as the diagnosis of illioinguinal neuralgia and, possibly genitofemoral neuralgia is what I am still given, much like I was always told a hyst was the only way. . .

He was not a 'pill pusher' or appeared to be a doc that would be shut down by the FDA like this local clinic. Always a HUGE relief when you hear that this is a 'pain clinic.' I feel confident in his knowledge and LOVE his nurse practitioner - she is a very holistic lady and not only saw me as a patient, but one that is also struggling. She helped me greatly and acknowledged my pain. She in a way, understood like not many others can. Together, they all make a great team. . .

After a physical exam and history by both he and his nurse practitioner, we spoke about what the diagnosis is and what it means in terms of living. While I still push myself to extremes, I would like to do so without hurting greatly. After speaking openly and honestly, we were given options. Some were the same as last time, others not so much. They included: *Nerve Blocks; *Radiofrequency Ablation/Cryoablation; *Spinal Cord Stimulators; *Lyrica

After speaking openly and honestly, we decided to go with the least invasive - the Lyrica. I will start the med tonight and pray that it goes well. I return in 2 weeks to see how it is going, if the med is working, etc etc. I feel hopeful and renewed. He was completely different from the doctor here at UF/Shands and so was his clinic.

So, I guess that time will tell! I am VERY optimistic that this IS the answer!

ANOTHER Opinion. . .

Well, after 2 weeks of incredible pain, speaking to my doctor, discerning with my spouse, and praying for wisdom, I decided to call yet another doctor that come recommended by not only our doctor but one of Robert's co-workers. I was expecting to be told that they do not have any appts for ___ weeks, but sure enough, they had a cancellation at the location that is the most convenient for us. So, we took it. . .

Tomorrow at 2, I go to this doctor. I pray for wisdom and guidance. For knowledge and strength. I need relief. . . desperately. I am beyond tired of feeling somewhat better, and doing something ever so little and paying for it for days, or like this 'flare' lasting weeks. When I agreed to the hysterectomy that took place nearly 7 months ago, it was the final resort. I so badly want to go back in time and say NO and not let them do it, but I know that will never happen. I just desperately want for this chapter to end. . .

This appointment tomorrow has me full of anxiety. I am scared and I am weary. I am trying to trust with all that I can that this is His will. I am trying to put all of my anxiety and fear into His hands. I am trying to lean on my faith and know that He knows all of this. He knows when this will end. He knows what the outcome of tomorrow will be. He knows this and I know that He will give me the strength, but I am scared. I am human. . .

Fullfillment

With the events of the past two days - the death of young man and the birth of a precious baby girl - I have been overcome with emotions. I have been joyous of for this family that has longed for this precious one for SO long and I have grieved deeply for this young family who just lost their husband/father. With this, I have been selfishly thinking about my family. My feelings about the way that life is right now. . .

After the kiddos went to bed last night, Robert and I sat on the couch. We were watching TV and reading - just passing the time, and I asked him a question that has been eating at me for a while - but especially these past few days. I asked:

ARE YOU CONTENT WITH OUR FAMILY?

As soon as I asked it, I knew what his answer would be - Hands down, yes. He then turned it around and asked me if I was content with our family. My answer - Hands down, no. Now it is not discontentment in that I am ungrateful, rather it is not what I expected. I cherish *almost* each and every moment with my children. I am absolutely in awe of my family, but I greatly miss that feeling of growing a baby within. The feeling of bringing forth new life. The feeling of knowing that you are responsible for this incredible creation. This masterpiece made by God. 

I asked my mother today if, after John David's birth and death nearly 10 years ago, if she was content with the family she had or if she longed for more. Is it a mother thing? Or is it an I want what I can't have thing? Or a combination of it all? I do not know. But I do know that I desperately want that fulfillment. That feeling of being finished. Of being complete.

**Please understand that by stating this, I am not saying that I am ungrateful in any way. There are just times that I feel like there is a puzzle piece missing. I truly believe that this is because I always imagined my life differently and also because I KNOW that possibility of carrying another child within is gone. One day, if God so desires for us to adopt we will. But for now, until both Robert and I, IF Robert and I, decide that it is time and HE agrees with that, we will just enjoy our time as a family of 5. Again, I am NOT being ungrateful. I KNOW just how lucky we are to have children and I am beyond grateful that God saw fit for us to be parents and to care for His child.**

A Weighty Issue

I have eluded to it before, but now it is real and ridiculous. I have reached an unpregnant high for me. . . I am not going to give numbers as that is just too much for me to deal with, let just say, I weigh as much now as I did when I delivered Wesley. Granted, I only gained 12 pounds, but still, it is hard to swallow. Nobody else is worried or concerned, but I am horrified. I am freaking out. I am embarrassed beyond words. . .

Those that know me well, know that the scale and I do NOT get a long AT all! In fact, we are enemies. One time, I was so frustrated with the number it said, that I threw my $50 scale away! We absolutely, positively do not get along. . .

Now I know that it is normal to gain weight after a hysterectomy. That is par for the course. I hope that I would be immune from that, but I am not. I also know that with lack of activity it is normal to gain weight. Well, with my fabulous illioinguinal and genitofemoral nerves, walking around the block or even going on a bike ride are quite difficult and painful.

I long for the day when I can be active without 'paying for it.' I want so badly to move beyond this. To go on with my life. To finish God's will for me and my family, but it feels like the harder I try to move beyond the surgery, the more issues come up or refuse to dissipate.

January 2009 (5 weeks before Wes was born) / September 2011

6 Months Out

I just went through and re-read most everything from the past 6 months and beyond and to be honest, I am feeling quite overwhelmed. So much has changed in all aspects of life. I can not say whether it is for better or for worse, but it is all in what He planned for me, for my family. . . And that is one reality that I am holding onto. . .

• My relationship with my husband is stronger than it has ever been. Times of stress can either help or hurt, and in our case, it has helped. When I am at my weakest points, he will stand there and hold my hand. Wipe my tears. Comfort me.
• From a surgical standpoint, I am healed. The docs say that the standar rule is 6 months post op for life to become more 'normal.' While I would not agree with the normal part, I would agree that the surgical healing is complete.
• My hormones are finally starting to figure themselves out. I think the quasi-menopausal symptoms I was having have nearly all stopped.
• I still get very tired very easily and my immune system is not what it was prior, but I think that is just because my body is tired.
• My belly will occasionally swell still, especially after a day where I have done a lot.
• The nerve(s). Oh how I wish this would just go away. They have been really bothersome lately. Lots and lots of pain from them. I return to the doc in November for the "test" block and I am praying that it works so we can move onto the RFA - or even better, that this all settles before that point and none of it is needed.
• I have made all of the contacts needed to teach NFP and I am just waiting on the money from the diocese to take the classes.

This is not what I expected last February when the doc told me this had to happen. This is not what I ever saw in my future. But this is what we have been handed. There is so much to be thankful for. So much that He has already blessed me with. So much that I am undeserving of.

Thank you for all of the love, support, encouragement, and prayers. This journey has been tough and is not quite over, but is definitely doable compared to what others deal with. . .

Insurance ~ Again!

I received a letter in the mail today from our insurance carrier. It was addressed to me and it was not in the typical explanation of benefits envelope. My first thought was that it was another bill for something. Then I opened it. . .

The first few sentences were typical medical insurance mumbo jumbo, so I skipped to the important part where one word stood out like a sore thumb

D - E - C - L - I - N - E - D

It took me a moment to figure out what this was and before long I understood. This was for the Spinal Cord Stimulator. Apparently, they already sent it off to see if insurance would cover this device.In the letter, it stated that this therapy is considered experimental. . . much like the cryoablation that they denied a few months back!

The good thing is that this does not really matter since this was an option that we would not even consider!

Perspective

I have been thinking a lot lately about the difference between a 20 something who feels "not done" with her family versus an older, 50+ year old menopausal woman when facing a hysterectomy. . . The difference is night and day. Quality of life improves for both, but while one is raising grand kids, the other is watching her friends create and grow their families. . .

Obviously, the 'she' here is me and the other is my aunt. We both HAD to have our surgeries as there were no other options. She came home the next day and was sore for 2 days. I am 5 1/2 months out and sore does not describe the pain I still feel. She is moving on and hardly looking back at the surgery. I have good days, but have yet to have more than a few hours where I forget about this reality. The fact that her uterus is gone does not seem to bother her, yet it grieves me greatly. Even if it was never to house another life, I would still take great joy in knowing it was there. My uterus was the first home that all of my children knew. It cocooned them and cradled them. It brought forth new life.

This is all the difference in perspective that she and I have. Even my mother who thought this surgery might be in her future, was okay with the possibility and she is someone I NEVER thought would be okay with a hysterectomy. Again, the difference in knowing you are 'done' and not wanting to be done. . .

I think, however, that both of their perspectives have helped me see that this is okay. That having a hysterectomy is not the end of the world. That life goes on. That I am not less of a woman, daughter, wife, mother, sister than I was prior. . .

Que Sera, Sera

What A Small, Small World!

I am sitting in a little shock right now! For close to a year, I have been following this blog about a precious family*** whose seventh child was born with Trisomy 13. I have watched this blog and read all of her posts about losing her precious son just weeks after he entered this world. She frequently mentions her brother, Father Kevin, and I kept thinking that I know him - not only does his name sound familiar, but he looks familiar in the pictures. And the wheels kept turning and I kept trying to place him and yesterday I finally remembered how I know him (I will get to that shortly)!

Rewind to the summer of 2002. I was participating in Crossroads Pro-Life Walk. This particular summer, we walked through FL**, GA, AL, MS, and LA. We then bussed to Canada to participate in World Youth Day and see the Pope John Paul II. From there, we walked through NY and PA and ended in Washington DC at the steps of the Supreme Court. This was a witness to all life and when I say walk, I literally mean that we walked every single step - 23 hours a day someone was walking. On average each person walked about 20 miles a day, offering up everything for the unborn and praying for all to respect life.

When we were in GA, I was on the day shift with half of my team. It was the end of the day and were on some backroads with nothing around but the woods. . . enough said! This was June 26 because I remember waking up the next day and calling my little sister to wish her a Happy Birthday. Anyhow, that next day, I woke and my right calf was red and HURT. As the day went on, I felt worse and was not able to finish my shift (only 15:20 miles that day!). The weekend got closer and I deteriorated even more. We finally arrived in Savannah on Friday, June 28 where we were met by a priest. Our team leader had injured his foot and was talking with the Priest about where to get it looked at. The priest made arrangements with a local doctor to get him in, but unbeknown to me, he also made me an appointment. I tried to convince him that I was fine, that there was absolutely no need, but he insisted and you really can not say no to a priest (plus he was the Chaplain for the Fire Department and knew that whatever was going on did not look good!)! So, later that afternoon I was seen by a doctor. By this point I was running fever, my calf was even more tender and swollen. Things were getting worse. The doctor diagnosed me as being bitten by a Brown Recluse and gave me meds and strict instructions. I was also to call him on Monday with an update. I left there upset and frustrated as I was now not allowed to walk with my team. . .The priest took me to the pharmacy, filled my scripts, and bought me crutches. He then brought me to the place we were staying and made sure that I had everything I needed. He was absolutely incredible, meeting my every need. (The above picture was taken for a news article just before I went home ~ There was nothing that was going to make me stop!)

I ended up having to come home to MS and what was thought to be a brown recluse bite, turned out to be a copperhead bite! After 2 weeks inpatient, 2 surgeries to remove the necrosed tissue, and a stint in ICU, I was allowed to go home and continue recovering. The next week, I received the okay from all of my docs to surprise my team in Canada for World Youth Day! I had to stay in a wheelchair, but I was able to go and continue the journey to Washington, DC! I will NEVER forget getting out of the car in front of the bus that my team and little sister were in as they had NO idea that I was able to come. It was incredible and by far the best surprise I have ever pulled off! (The picture to the left was taken at the protestant hospital in Jackson, MS - All of us sang the rosary followed by the Ave Maria - Imagine their shock!)

Since this, I have often thought about that priest because if it were not for him, I would have never gone to the doctor. And for that, I might have never gotten help. That priest is the same priest that I have heard about for nearly a year from a family that I have never met, only known them through their blog. The Father Kevin I had been seeing in the blog, is the same Father Kevin that helped me! What a small world this is!!!!

**When we were in Jacksonville, FL, some friends of ours had a party for us. Attending this party was a young man. He took me and some fellow walkers to a local walmart to get a few things. This gentleman also took an interest in me! He would call me and write to me OFTEN! My co-walkers were insistent that he really liked me, but I was naive. Well, his persistence paid off because just 504 days later we married!

This picture was taken the day we left Florida - our first state line! Robert joined us in walking that day ~ I remember when he walked with Father and I ~ I walked ahead while Robert stayed back 100 yards or so with Father Weslin and they talked! Never would I have thought it would take us to where we are today!

***This family is now expecting their 8th child! They are an incredible witness to love, faith, and family. You can follow them on their other blog!

Still Processing. . .

Well, yesterday came and went and I had the appointment that I had waited 6 weeks for. I arrived on time for my appointment and 2 1/2 hours later I saw the doctor. He was an older man with a heavy accent. He listened to my history and performed his exam and then he told us what he thinks. . .

• The illioinguinal nerve is definitely involved, but the genitofemoral nerve is possibly involved as well.
• Nerve pain can be self limiting (3-5 years) or it can continue indefinitely.
• We have options: (1.) Old School Theory: Perform a series of 10 (or more) nerve blocks to attempt to break the cycle. This would involve going in every 1-2 weeks for a block. (2.) Perform a diagnostic nerve block and if it gives temporary relief, perform a Radiofrequency Ablation on the nerve(s) which will provide relief up to 6 months. (3.) Insert a Spinal Cord Stimulator to inhibit the transmission of pain from the nerve to my brain, an internal TENS Unit of sorts. This has been proven to work but is VERY invasive and incredibly expensive. And then there is the insurance part!
  

We decided to go with the second option as it the easiest and can provide relief quicker than option one and is less invasive than the third. I left there with very mixed feelings. . . I know that things will happen in the way that they are meant, but I am scared. I am human. I hurt. I am tired. We have a date scheduled for the diagnostic nerve block. . . DECEMBER 8. 2011 - 4 months away. That feels like an eternity, esp when my hysterectomy was 5 months ago. . .

So, while I do not have any doubts in this doctor, I am concerned with (a.) his timeliness and (b.) that it takes SO long to get in for a 5 minute procedure. One thing that I LOVED was that he did not even try to give me a prescription for narcotics. The docs that I have see thus far have and that is not what I want. . . "Fix" one problem, yet create another. . .

While I am disappointed that he does not have a quick fix, I am confidant that we are doing what is best and hopefully following His will in the process. Like my Granny always said, "Lord, I'll make the motions, YOU do the work!"

"Let nothing perturb you, nothing frighten you. All things pass. God does not change. Patience achieves everything."
~Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta

When You Wish Upon A Star

. . . Or a candle!

Little Robert has taken to making wishes lately. He accomplishes this by blowing out a candle, but he whispers his wish, barely audible, prior to blowing out the candle. For the past few days, he will 'make his wish' and then ask me if my tummy is feeling better. . . I say 'hmmmm, why yes it is!' And then he informs me that is his wish!

I have also caught him in a quiet room saying "Dear God, please help mommy's tummy feel better. I want her to not hurt."

Oh geez, here come the tears again! I just love him and while I can get so upset with his choices and behavior, it is times like these where I thank God for him and realize that I must be doing something right!

Mommy Guilt

I have a serious case of this lately. I know that all mommies (and daddies) go through this and that, like all things, this too shall pass, but right now, GEEZ!

A lot of it has to do with my surgery and the subsequent nerve issue which inhibits so much. (I do not think that I have ever fully described the illioinguinal neuralgia, so here is a brief description: it is a nerve that runs through your pelvis and into your groin. When it is irritated/inflamed/trapped it hurts. Mine feels like deep, sharp, intense pains running from my hip bone into my groin.) Somedays, I can hardly walk. . . I have no idea how Monday happened! I want so badly to be able to walk around the block with my kiddos, ride bikes, play ball, do things that we did just 5 months ago. . . Hopefully this Monday's appointment will hold some answers.

Another area of of mommy guilt is the stress. There is just so much going on and so much that I feel is going wrong and I want it to go right! There are not enough me's to get everything done and take care of everyone's needs. . . I am still leaning heavily on Sts. Cosmos and Damian and St. Gianna, and not just for me, but for all struggling right now.

I am always hard on myself. . . my husband will completely agree with this! I want to be a better mommy. A mommy that does not get frustrated. A mommy that keeps her cool regardless of the situation. I want to be the best mommy that I can be for my children all of the time and not just some of the time. . .

One area that has improved greatly since the surgery is appreciating every moment with my kiddos. I have never been able to fully appreciate this stage of their development because I always had a nursing, needy newborn to tend to in addition to their needs. . . and when it came down to it, the baby of the day always won! So, now, I do not have a baby. I do not have any excuse. I do not 'work.' I have no reason not to enjoy every moment, good or bad, and thank God for the memories that we are making.

Slowly, I am learning how to be a better mommy. Learning how to keep my cool regardless. Learning how to just let things go. . .But it does not help with this current bout of mommy guilt. . .

I Wonder. . .

. . . when the day will come when I stop counting everyday, every week, every month since my surgery. It is the first think on my mind when I wake up, and the last thing before I fall asleep. There are minutes, sometimes even hours, when the reality is not staring me in the face, but then there are times where no matter what I do, I can not get it out. . .

On Monday, I was having one of those days. I needed to forget. I tried to forget. I wanted to forget. But I could not. The more I wanted to forget, the more I was remembering. Finally, I laced up my running shoes and took the kiddos to a nearby track and went for it. It was incredible. The wind in my face. The sun on my back. The adrenaline. The rush. Then when I could not run any more, I started to remember again. I started to cry and wish that I could forget and that is when I saw the bleachers. Oh, did it feel good to run them and when I could no longer run them, the only thing I could think about was how much I hurt! My legs ached and my belly hurt. But I succeeded. I forgot for most of the day, but mostly because I was hurting so greatly the rest of the day. . . but I asked for it!

I want more days like that, but I do not want to have to hurt to achieve them. I want to move on. I want to keep going. I can not tell you off the top of my head how many days it has been, but I can tell you the months (5) and weeks (22 tomorrow). I am making progress. Once again the motto, slow and steady wins the race. . .

5 months. . .

It is hard to believe that it has been 5 months since my hysterectomy. It has been 5 months of trust, faith, hardship, sorrow, joy, and so many other emotions that I did not expect. . .

Here is a recap of all that has happened:

• Thursday, March 3, 2011 @ 0730: my surgery
• Saturday, March 5, 2011: I received my first ever blood transfusion, but not because of the surgery. . .
  
• Tuesday, March 8, 2011 @ 1800: I come home. . . only 4 days late!
• Monday, March 14, 2011: My First 'Bad' Day where I learned that I was not ready for anything!
• Thursday, March 17: 2 weeks post-op and I finished my Lovenox Injections!
• Wednesday, March 23: Seriously, I can't pee!?!?!?
• Friday, March 25: Meet with the urologist and am drilled about why I had to have a hysterectomy at 28. . . a very hard/emotional day and I still have a catheter. . .
• Saturday, March 26: I CAN PEE!!!!!!
• Tuesday, March 29: BIG Slide in the wrong direction. . .
• Wednesday, March 30: 4 Weeks Post-Op doctor appointment. . .
• Friday, April 1: 3 simple letters --- PMS!
• Monday, April 4: A few complications, but I got the okay to travel to MS for my sister's wedding!
• Tuesday, April 12: Back to the urologist because I am having trouble peeing again. . .
• Wednesday, April 13: 6 weeks out and back to pajamas. . .
• Monday, April 18: The pain was increasing with any and all activity. . . Really wondering if this will ever end. . .
• Saturday, April 23: Oh, the crying just does not stop!
• Tuesday, April 26: The ever so dreaded 'are you pregnant?'
• Saturday, April 30: GEEZ ~ My hormones are worse now then they were during pregnancy!
• Sunday, May 1: I was diagnosed with Illioinguinal Neurologia and underwent a nerve block. . . it helped. . .for a bit!
  
• Tuesday, May 3: 2 months out. . . WOW. . . I never thought this day would come!
• Monday, May 16: Intense pain and bleeding send me to the ER. After a few hours, I was sent home on 'bed rest'
• Tuesday, May 24: 12 weeks out. . . plus a list of "I wish I had known's"
• Tuesday, May 31: 3 months out. . . there is no way I could have made it this far without my husband and best friend. . .
• Tuesday, June 7: My first visit with the chiropractor. . . and it hurt!
• Monday, June 20: I made an appointment with a top notch pain med doc. . . August 8 will not be here soon enough. . . AND, I want to teach NFP!!!
  
• Friday, June 24: The chiropractor was causing more pain then comfort, so the mutual decision was made to stop going. . . very mixed emotions to this. . .
• Thursday, July 28: One year ago today, I had the first *serious* conversation about a hysterectomy. . .
• Wednesday, August 3: Well, 5 months ago today I lost a part of me. 5 months ago today, I forever changed. 5 months ago today, I said farewell to the first bed that all of my children have ever known. 5 months ago today, I became a stronger woman. A stronger mother. A stronger wife. 5 months ago. . .

I never thought that this journey would be what it has become. I thought that I had my age in my favor, that this would be a simple surgery and then a simple recovery, but like everything else that has occurred these past 2 years, I was wrong. But in the process of everything falling apart, I have learned and grown SO much. I have rekindled old friendships and made new ones. I have redefined my role as wife and mom, sister and daughter. These past 5 months have been hard, but if I had to do it again, I would not change anything. . .

I did it . . .

It is official. My siblings warned me of it. It has happened. I am turning into my mother. . . and it is not too bad afterall!!!!!

Example number one: I cry at Mass. Almost every Sunday (or Saturday), after communion, the tears begin! Last night was no different except that they were more like sobs! It started as I was carrying the baby as we walked back to our pew as a family after receiving Jesus. All 5 of us were kneeling saying our prayers. I had already started crying when my husband whispers something in my ear and the full on sobs begin. What he said? Nothing that would justify sobs, but it happened no less! Then, Mr Richard, our wonderful seminarian, gave a little speech because he was leaving to go back to the seminary and finish his studies to become a priest. . . Again, more sobs! And with every hug or kiss from my kiddos, they only got worse!

Example number two: Breastfeeding. Man, I could not advocate more for it. In fact, this is World Breastfeeding Week and I have even shed tears over the fact that I am not able to participate this year. . . I almost think that I am turning into a breastfeeding Nazi of sorts! I have even found myself looking up how to become IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) certified. Right now, it is too much with the homeschooling and my issues, but one day!

Example number three: I am taking steps to teach NFP. I mentioned this in an earlier post, but have now officially made all of the contacts and am just waiting on the funding to take the courses. I am SO excited about this one!

Example number four: My love of family, faith, and fertility. I am now beginning to understand some of the why's behind the way my mom did things.

So, I guess, I should say thanks to my mom for all that she taught me. . . and apologize for all of those times that I swore I would not be like her, because in the end, it is not that bad! (And, Ps. I love you!)

(Me and my mama at my sisters wedding ~ April 9, 2011)

One Year Ago. . .

On this day last year, two things, two BIG things, changed. . .

The first of which was, I officially became a stay-at-home mommy! Something that my husband and I had dreamed about for so long, and it finally came true! There have definitely been many obstacles financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc etc, but even with all of that we have had to overcome, I would not trade this for the world. Watching my children, teaching my children, is such a gift and one that I am ever so grateful to have. That last day with my precious kiddos at school and incredible assistant and co-workers was very bittersweet though. We all miss them greatly and love our 'visits' with them. . .
(The picture is of us bidding farewell to daddy on our first day home!)

The second, the word hysterectomy was spoken at a doctors appointment. I had heard it for the prior 16 months, but this was a new doctor, one that I was seeing ONLY for endometriosis. . . certainly not a hysterectomy. We, Robert and I, left that appointment not knowing where to turn. We did know that we needed time to think about which surgery we would do and get other opinions. Obviously, we decided upon the endometriosis dissection which took place in late September and turned out to be more extensive than any of us thought. What began as a simple 90 minute surgery took well over 3 1/2 hours. Also, what he thought was just endometriosis, turned out to be adenomyosis, uterine polyps, and bi-lateral inguinal hernias on top of the the significant endo suprise. We were not prepared for any of that, but then again, who is ever truly prepared for what life throws at them?

Anyhow, this was a day that I will always remember. One that is forever etched on my heart, much like the birth of my children, my anniversary, all of the other important dates that us mothers hold onto forever. . .

**To celebrate today being 1 year of being home raising my children, I took everyone to the zoo for the day. . .the temp was only upper 90's with a heat index well into the 100's, but despite that, we managed to stay hydrated and have a great time :-)

(Our stylish arrival at the zoo ~ Everyone in their sunglasses!)


(Hannah and Aahliya "washing their hair" at the splash park!)

(Hannah "washing her hair" and Wesley fighting her for control of the manatee!)


(Robert enjoying the cold water!)

**To celebrate one year of that fateful doctors appointment, I had a good cry and snuggle with my three blessings!

My Baby

Tonight, after dinner, Wesley was trying to get out of his chair by himself. The result was not what he intended and he ended up hitting his head on the floor. I quickly scooped him up and began comforting him while asking him where it hurt and searching for any signs of a 'true' injury. Upon seeing that there was no blood and that he was indeed okay, I rocked him back and forth saying, "it's okay, sweet baby, it's okay." Wesley, stopped crying, lifted his head off of my shoulder and VERY firmly said, "I NOT baby." I knew that this day would come, but he is only 2 years, 4 months, and 23 days old. . . really? already? I am a sad, sad mommy tonight. . .

Thank you, God :-)

I thank God everyday that the decision was taken out of my hands. I will forever remember that day in January when my doctor wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed. He told me that it was time to schedule my total hysterectomy. That it was now his decision that this be done and if I canceled it, as I threatened to do, that he would reschedule. And thus began the countdown to March 3, 2011. . .

Slowly, we are easing into a new normal. The scars are fading, which I am both grateful for and hate. I am having an easier time talking about my hysterectomy and sharing my story. The pain is still very present and I am anxiously awaiting my appointment on August 8th with the pain med docs. . .

I feel like I am following God's plan for my life at this very moment, and that is an awesome feeling!

THE Test

This past week, I had a doctors appt where they needed to know prior if I was pregnant. The nurse led me to a bathroom where the container was and told me to leave it on the shelf when I was done. I, knowing what this was for, told her that it was not necessary because I had a hysterectomy 139 days prior. For the next 35 minutes, she and I spoke about this. . .

Of course, there were the standard questions of why? Who? Where? But she also keyed into a very important part of it that is so often overlooked. She asked me how I was dealing with this emotionally. . . The only people that ask me how I am are those that suffer from infertility. Others just make mention of how nice it is to not have to walk down 'that' aisle anymore. What those do not understand is that I would love to walk down 'that' aisle again. To have 'that' problem. 'That Problem' is something that I miss greatly, but like I have said before, 'that problem' was a true problem for me. . .

The Path of Love

When Robert and I married nearly 8 years ago, we vowed to be true to one another in good times and in bad. In sickness and in health. To honor each other all the days of our lives. We both knew that in saying this, we were making a lifelong commitment to the other and to God. One that we could never get out of for any reason. We were also young and a bit naive. We thought that we were above all problems. . . in sickness? bad times? Does a cold and an argument about dinner count?! This was the magnitude of our issues. . .

Then came Robert's pregnancy which was picture perfect until delivery. We will never forget April 8 of that year as we were sitting at the doctors office. I was contracting at 37wks and with each contraction, his heart rate decelerated. Finally, it went down and never came up. Our doctor rushed in and told us to get to the hospital asap as I needed an emergency c-section or we would lose the baby. . . Our pastor and my family met us there. We prayed. We cried. We rejoiced that the baby was still alive. After the c-section, my doctor informed me that I had a velementous cord and only 1/3 of it was attached to the placenta. On top of that, I was in the midst of a placental abruption, the same thing that claimed the life of my brother just 4 years prior. . .

When Little Robert was 4 months old, we had to make the hard decision to move away from my family and head to Jacksonville, FL, where his family lived a job was. This was a very hard time in our marriage. A lot of stress and anxiety. We were both starting new jobs, living with his mother, and I was away from my family for the first time in 22 years. . .

Shortly after we bought our 2nd house in our 2 years of marriage, we became pregnant with Hannah. Her pregnancy was nothing like Robert's. I was told from the get go that she would not make it, but sonogram after sonogram proved the docs wrong! I was having to get progesterone injections multiple times a week to *try* and prevent pre-term labor. At 20.3 weeks, I was admitted for the first of many times in labor. This continued for the next 13 weeks when she finally made her emergent arrival at 36 weeks because of another placental abruption. . .

When she turned 1, we bought and sold another home, only to find out that I, once again, was pregnant. This time, I was scared. We were scared. My docs ordered a bunch of tests that showed some issues with my clotting factors and thus began the process of twice daily heparin injections and 2-3 doc visits a week until Wesley arrived at 7 months gestation. At 36 hours I was able to touch him with 1 finger and NO stroking as I could not stimulate him. While he was having his issues, I was having my own. Normally you go home 3 days after a c-section. Well, that time frame came and went. Finally, after a week, I was discharged, only to re-admitted 12 hours later for another week. Thus began the journey of the last 2 1/2 years. . .

I must honestly say that since Wesley's birth, our marriage has had more ups and downs than I can count. So much that I can easily see where people would say 'I am done' and walk away. But, I go back to our vows that we both took. Neither of us knew that this is what was in our future, but God did and He is giving us the strength, endurance, and love to make it through these rough times.

For many, these struggles would tear them apart, but for Robert and I, it has brought us together in ways I never could have imagined. It has done so much for us and while the trials are not over and there are still obstacles that lay ahead, I could not imagine any of it without him by my side, holding my hand and encouraging me with every step. Being my cheerleader when I am not. Holding me and wiping my tears as I cry. Being there for me. . .

The Future

I have been asked about adoption many times, by many people, so I thought that I would write about it. Although no one knows for sure what the future holds, there are goals and dreams that we all have. Here are mine. . .

I always envisioned being the crazy home birthing woman. When Robert came via an emergency c-section, I knew that the home birth part would have to be re-considered. We were very lucky to be able to have a private transition and spend those precious first hours together as a new family. 23 months later, when Hannah came via another emergency c-section for another placental abruption that we were told would never happen, I knew that most likely c-sections would be the way I would deliver. Also with Hannah, she had to go to the NICU for a few hours because of the amount of blood she ingested during the abruption. She was 7 hours old when I was finally able to hold her. Fast forward another 23 months to Wesley's early and once again emergent arrival where I knew that my chances of becoming pregnant again and carrying safely to term for both baby and myself were not good. He was 36 hours old before I was even able to lay eyes on him. . .

Slowly, God has prepared me for this day. Each pregnancy and delivery, came with new challenges that I now see are part of His plan for me and my family. He has slowly prepared my heart and mind for the day when I would no longer be able to carry a child within. The day when I would no longer hold my newborn baby immediately after their arrival. The day when I could look back and say thank you for the struggles that you laid out for me, for us. . .

When Robert and I first married, nearly 8 years ago, we spoke openly about children and adoption. It was and still is something that we are open to. Something that we are waiting to feel our hearts pulled in that direction. Right now, we do not feel pulled in that direction, but that can certainly change at any moment. We know that there are so many children that need a good, loving home. One that we we can provide them with.

God has already placed many families in our lives who have already traveled this route and can guide us. Good friends (who also happened to 'introduce' Robert and I) have traveled the private adoption path and are now beginning the foster route. And there are so many others. God has certainly prepared us!

So, the answer is, YES. This is something that we are considering when the time is right. And we both feel strongly that if it is meant to be, that it will happen.

Our Gift of Fertility

As I contemplate another month gone since my hysterectomy, I am reminded of the awesome gift that so many take for granted ~ Our fertility. I have said it many times, but it is very true. I was one of them until my 3rd pregnancy when I was warned of the risks and informed that more pregnancies could cost me my life and/or that of our unborn baby. Then, when he came nearly two months early and all of my complications arose, things became even more real. . .

At first, I was okay with it. This was God's will and I was scared. The thought of another baby in the NICU or a mommy who has to have Home Health after giving birth, was terrifying. As time continued, the fear lessened and the longing increased, but life went on. Problems continued and doctors continued to warn against pregnancy and push for the hysterectomy that I did not want. Finally, on March 3, exactly 24 months and 1 day after the birth of our youngest, it happened.

Now, like so many out there, the longing has intensified tenfold. I know so many who want with all they have to carry a child within, but are not able to. I have some dear friends that are only able to carry a child within for a few weeks, maybe months, before that precious one returns to our Heavenly Father. It is heartbreaking.. Others, despite all of their efforts are unable to ever become pregnant. To see those that you love and cherish hurting is hard. And in a way, you hurt with them. Their pain is felt. It is real. It is your own.

I feel so pulled, so called to help others understand this gift. The miracle that it is. Our fertility is a gift from God. It is one that needs to be respected. One that needs to be cherished. One that needs to be better understood by all.

Good Saint Anne, you were especially favored by God to be the mother of the most holy Virgin Mary, the Mother of our Savior. By your power with your most pure daughter and with her divine Son, kindly obtain for us the grace and the favor we now seek. Please secure for us also forgiveness of our past sins, the strength to perform faithfully our daily duties and the help we need to persevere in the love of Jesus and Mary. Amen.

Saint Anne is not only the mother of Mary, but the Patron Saint of Fertility.

From the Mouth of Babes. . .

Today we ran an errand to the store for some groceries. One item on the list was diapers. . . We buy store brand, and there was 1 box in the very back. Because of the nerve pain, I am unable to bend, or get into a position that would allow me easy access. So, my 6 year old, seeing that mommy was having trouble, crawled to the back to get the diapers. When he came out, he put his hand on my tummy and told me that he will always be help me until my tummy feels better and then he kissed right where his hand was. Immediately my eyes filled with tears. . .

I love how observant he was to my needs, but I absolutely hate that they realize this. I wish that I could hide it from them, but I do not know how. I wish that I could hide the pain on my face. I wish that they did not know exactly where my heating pad is and how to work it or where the frozen peas are and where I need them on my belly. I wish so much, but this is our reality and I must make the most out of it. . .

A Life of It's Own

Growing up, I was the one that was going to be like the old woman that lives in a shoe. I wanted to have a HUGE family. I love the chaos and fun. I love the relationships formed between siblings. I love it all. Having 'just' 3 was never what I thought would be in my plan. . . His plan for me. . .

No, I am not taking for granted what I have. I am blessed beyond words with these three and I have said that many times, I just never thought that this was His plan for me. After talking with many, it is an absolute miracle that I was able to conceive these precious babies as there are so many that can not. Please understand, that I am not in any way ungrateful for what I have been given. Or that for one minute I take this for granted. . .

When The docs first mentioned a hysterectomy, during my 3rd emergency c-section in March of 2009, I was shocked. We had already been told the risks of becoming pregnant again, that it would most likely be my life, the babies life, or both. But a hysterectomy? Things settled for a bit and then, at 12 1/2 months, the baby weaned and things progressively became worse. . .

By the summer/fall, I had surgeries to remove some endometriosis, polyps, and cysts. This worked for a month, and then things became unbearable. I was sent from surgeon to surgeon when I finally ended up with one that said my only hope what a total hysterectomy. I begged for another option. I sought out other opinions. Everybody and everything kept coming back to him. At the appointment where it was scheduled, I was sobbing. He looked at me and told me that this was his decision. That I have lost all say in this. This made me feel better, but I still felt like part of me was dying. . .

I looked far and wide for a twenty-something who had been through this, but could find no one. The youngest I found was mid thirties. . . I am 28. . . I wanted to know what it was like. How their recovery was. Why they had one. So many questions and so little answers. This was one of the hardest things. . . the feeling of isolation. . .

That is why I stated this blog. I wanted to give other young twenty-somethings hope. I wanted to let them know that they are not alone. I want them to know that if nothing else I care. I truly, deeply care. . . .

As the days have turned into weeks, and the weeks into months, this blog has turned into a great outlet for me as well. A way to share my feelings. My emotions. My struggles. My battles, both internal and external. My dreams. My prayers. A way to share it all. As the time continues, I have thought about stopping, but I enjoy this. I enjoy putting this out there. I enjoy not holding things inside. I enjoy this outlet. . .

So, this blog is going to incorporate all things feminine now. I will share being a mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend. I will share myself. I will continue to share my recovery, but there will be more as I have enjoyed this far more than I ever imagined.

So, thank you to all that have encouraged me along this tough road. This road that I never though I would travel. . .

The Solemnity of the Most Holy Body and Blood of Christ

Today's Readings:

• The First Reading: Deuteronomy 8: 2-3, 14-16

• Psalm: Psalms 147: 12-15, 19-20

• The Second Reading: 1 Corinthians 10: 16-17

• Gospel: John 6: 51-58

Since the surgery, it has been very hard to go to Mass as typically my pain is worse in the morning and night ~ right when Mass is. Tonight, even though I was hurting a lot, I felt like I needed to go regardless. I could not tell you what it was that made me push through the pain, but I am glad that I went. . .

As children can sometimes be, they were full of energy tonight. Before long, we had to leave the main church and head to the 'cry room' in the back. I have never been fond of the cry room as most of the time, parents just let their kiddos run wild in there. . . As it turned out, we were the only ones in there! I got them settled just as the Gospel was being finished and the homily was beginning. The kiddos were a bit worried as they know when we have to leave church, that it means they are in trouble. Perfect timing for them to be quiet as I was moved beyond words by the homily. . .

Fr. Than, our Pastor, focused on suffering and pain! He spoke about redemptive suffering, that we as Catholics believe in. He spoke about the graces that can be obtained through offering this up. He spoke on and on and about how God will challenge us with these obstacles. Fr. Than told a very moving story about a father, his son, and the son's friend. By the end of the homily, I was in tears. . .

After the final blessing, as we were packing up our books, we saw Mr. Richard, the seminarian. This was my first time to see him since my surgery and already feeling emotional from the readings and homily, I began to cry. He said a few things and gave me a great hug that was comparable to what your dad would give you when you are little. He prayed with me for a quick second, but that quick prayer brought me peace and comfort. . .

As we were leaving Mass, we had the opportunity to see Fr. Than and Fr. Sal, our associate Pastor. Once again, I was moved to tears by just being in their presence. I told Fr. Than thank you for such a beautiful homily and just how much it touched me. Fr. Sal, who became a priest after his wife passed away, gave me a big squeeze, that was just as good as my Grampy's were. . .

I am so glad that I followed my heart and listened. I am glad that I pushed past the pain. I am even glad that the kiddos acted up so that we moved to the cry room, for if we had not, I would have been focusing more on keeping them quiet and behaving instead of listening. . .

So Long Chiropractor. . .

Well, after giving it all I had, the decision has been made to end the chiropractor sessions. It was a hard one to make as I so desperately wanted this very non-invasive treatment to work. But, with my pain intensifying with each treatment, we all felt that it was not helping. . .

I am not thrilled about this at all. It leaves me once again discouraged that maybe dealing with the pain will become my new normal. That dealing with this pain will become my life. I do not want that. If this is my path in life, so be it, but there has to be something that can ease it. Something that will allow me to do what I need to do without the intense pain. Like I have said before, something has got to give. . .

So, this now leaves 3 docs since the surgery, that have thrown their hands up and said they do not know. They all agree that it is the illioinguinal nerve and that the nerve needs to be treated, but all of the non-invasive techniques they have tried have failed. All 3 have told me that the doc at U and F is an 'expert' and have sent him my charts/records, but we shall see. . .

I am trying to trust that this is His plan, but honestly, I am having a hard time with that right now. I know that our God is incredible. I know that He loves us beyond what we can dream of. I know that he will never give us more than we can handle, but I have to ask why. Why the pain. I am beginning to understand the surgery, but why this?

Once again, I find myself turning to Saints Cosmos and Damian and Saint Gianna Beretta Molla. They are all great sources of comfort for me. . .

God's Plan

As I sit here and write this out, I am feeling a huge mix of emotions. Lately, I have been surrounded by life, new life. It seems that everywhere I go, there is a pregnant lady. Very often I get 'that call' from a friend telling me that they are expecting. I am joyous for them. Grateful that they are understanding, respecting, and cherishing their gift of fertility. Praying that they understand just how sacred of a gift this is. How quickly it can be gone. . .

I have said that looking at my life, I envisioned it being full of children. I am one of 9 and I wanted that many if not more. . .Since the surgery and talking to many more professionals, I have come to realize that it is a true miracle that I have 3 beautiful blessings here. Maybe I just have to change the way that I looked at it. That all of those children were mine through adoption or that those were children of couples who conceived through the tools that I *hopefully* will one day provide them with. But regardless, I still struggle with the loss of my primary fertility. . .

So many take this gift for granted. So many do not think twice about their fertility, just see it as a bother once a month. Then there are those that want and long for that child yet can not conceive or carry a child within for as long as needed. My heart absolutely breaks for all of those suffering. For all of those who have lost children whether it was right after conception or days before a due date. You still grieve. You still hurt. You still mourn. . .

Although these are two seperate issues, they are both infertility. One may not experience the loss of a child, but you still experience the loss of a part of yourself. Almost a secondary infertility of sorts in that you overcame it once, but this one has you. . . This one you can not move past either from emotional restraint or physical. This time you are almost a victim. . .

I never thought that I would seek out an infertility group, but that is exactly what I have done. These women feel and understand the longing and heartache. Like so many, I never thought that I would be 'one of them' . . .

Part of the WHY?!?!?

Well, I did it! After a lot of prayer, discernment, talking to my husband, etc etc, I made that first initial contact. I sent an email to a lady at BOMA. This is the Billings Ovulation Method of America, which is a form of Natural Family Planning. I grew up knowing and learning this method. When we moved out of MS, I could not find an instructor, so I learned the Creighton Model, which is very similar but uses scientific terms instead of your own. While I was satisfied and confident in my knowledge of Creighton, I preferred the simplicity of the BOM.

Since the surgery, I have wanted to help others understand and cherish their fertility. To not take it for granted and to treat it with the respect that it deserves. Our fertility is a gift from God and for so many, that is not understood. I also think, that this might be where parts of my dream may be coming from.

So, late this afternoon, I sat down at the computer to send an email and in my inbox was a sweet note from one of the directors! She told me what to do to become a teacher and be properly 'trained' in how to teach the method. Unfortunately, there is a training session at the end of July, but I do not see myself making that as I am still dealing with too much pain for that kind of travel. . . But disheartened I am not. I am SO excited and prayerful that this is part of HIS will for me!

3 1/2 Month's Out Progress Report

Well, I am at about the 3 1/2 month mark. Looking back it seems like I had the surgery SO long ago, but then it seems like only yesterday. . .

I frequently dream about the surgery. About what must have happened. About what the doctors, nurses, and techs did to my body. I know that this hysterectomy was much needed, but in some way, after that dream, I feel almost taken advantage of. In that dream, they always take my uterus and ovary and 'give' it to another women. Was she more deserving of this gift? Did I do something shameful or undeserving and that is why it was taken away? I always wake up after that, but I desperately want to find out the why she was given this gift. Maybe one day I will be able to dream long enough to find out. . .

Physically, I am okay. I still deal with a lot of pain, but that is the nerve pain. I have also gained some weight. Those of you that know me, understand this battle, but (this is for you, Mama!) do not worry. I am dealing. I am avoiding scales like the plague and doing everything to maintain as healthy a body as I can. . . All we need is more issues! I am still losing a great deal of hair and I am hoping that this is just a result of the stress that the surgery put on my body and not a sign of menopause. My energy is not great, but I am dealing with great pain and that takes all of my energy, not to mention, I am a stay-at-home-mom! So, physically speaking, aside from the nerve, I think that things are going well. I still get strange pulls and tugs in odd places every now and then, but that is about it. . .

So, for being 15 weeks and 4 days out, I myself, am rather impressed. Although I thought the recovery would be MUCH faster than it was, I am grateful that I have been surrounded by such great family and friends. I am grateful for those that remind me that God's time is not our time and as hard as that is, we have to accept it and move on. . . And somewhere be grateful for it as everything has a reason. I can not wait to see the why this path was chosen for me. . .

A New Doc

Well, I finally bit the bullet and called the other pain doc with the University of Florida (Go Gators!) and the earliest appointment they have is August 8th. . . 6 weeks away. Normally 6 weeks is no big deal, but when you are dealing with chronic pain, the thought of 6 more weeks is awful. . . Think of having muscle spasms in the same place all day that intensify with activity for 15 weeks and then add 6 weeks to that. . .

On the flip side, I hope that the 6 week wait means that they are good people and not just a group that hands out narcotics by the handful to whomever they see. I know they are not, but when you talk about pain management docs, the thought of a SWAT raid enters my mind! I want someone that can help me get this to a tolerable level if not completely gone. . .

Please pray with me that this doc will have ideas, suggestions, advice on where to go from here as this journey is becoming long, too long. . .

A Poweful Song

I saw this music video a while back and it made me ever so grateful for all that I have. For all that I have been given. Although I always dreamed things would be different, I am still a lucky lady! When I am feeling down, I will think of this song and it helps to put things into perspective. . . HE knows everything!

Here are the lyrics to the song:

Jenny was my best friend. Went away one summer. Came back with a secret She just couldn't keep. A child inside her, Was just too much for her So she cried herself to sleep. And she made a decision Some find hard to accept. To young to know that one day She might live to regret. But I would die for that. Just to have one chance To hold in my hands All that she had. I would die for that. I've been given so much, A husband that I love. So why do I feel incomplete? With every test and checkup We're told not to give up. He wonders if it's him. And I wonder if it's me. All I want is a family, Like everyone else I see. And I won't understand it If it's not meant to be. Cause I would die for that. Just to have one chance To hold in my hands All that they have. I would die for that. And I want to know what it's like To bring a dream to life. For that kind of love, What I'd give up! I would die for that. Sometimes it's hard to conceive, With all that I've got, And all I've achieved, What I want most Before my time is gone, Is to hear the words "I love you, Mom." I would die for that. Just to have once chance To hold in my hands What so many have I would die for that. And I want to know what it's like To bring a dream to life. How I would love What some give up. I would die ... I would die for that.

Wisdom

My younger sister recently put this on her blog and it has really made me stop and think. . .

The 5 Precepts of Reiki:

• I will let go of anger.

• I will let go of worry.

• I will give thanks for my many blessings.

• I will do my work honestly.

• I will be kind to every living thing.

The Many Emotions of a Hysterectomy. . .

• Grateful --> That I am not longer dealing with the multitude of issues that I was dealing with prior. The endometriosis, adenomyosis, and (right) ovarian cysts are forever gone. No more transfusions from as a result of a bad month. . .
  
• Sad --> That which my body used to give life, is no longer a part of me. It was discarded with the trash. . .
• Blessed --> That the doctors took the decision of the surgery out of my hands and scheduled it themselves. Otherwise, this would have never happened. And for my fabulous friend (*wink *wink) for without her help, this surgery would have been even harder. She took on the role of surrogate mommy and we are truly grateful . .
  
• Relieved --> That I came out of the surgery still feeling like a woman. Even though I am missing certain parts now, I am no less a woman than I was a few months ago. . .
• Frustrated --> That we are 15 weeks out from the surgery and I am still dealing with A LOT of pain. . . Albeit different pain than it was prior, pain is pain and it sucks!
• Surprise/Anger --> With all of the ups and downs that have come with this recovery. I thought my age was definitely a benefit, but it seems that it was instead a curse. . .
  
• Joy --> With how incredible my husband has been through all of this. Neither one of us saw this in our future when we said I do nearly 8 years ago. But, over the past 2 1/2 years, he has learned to just roll with things. To be okay with how things happen. . . I could not have made it through this without him! Thank you, my love for everything!
  

Helping or Hurting?

I have 2 chiropractor sessions under my belt, and the pain has not eased. At my appointment on Thursday, all he did was some stretching and the wonderful neuro stim. There was absolutely no manipulation in the nerve area or any of the surrounding structures as he did not want to cause any further pain. . .

I again left and as soon as I arrived home, I snuggled into my hubby's arm (you know that fabulous spot on their chest where they can wrap their arm around you and let you know that it will be okay?!?!?) and began to sob. They were tears of pain, frustration, agony, exhaustion, etc etc. I know that it has only been just over 3 months since my hysterectomy, but the drama began when I became pregnant 32(ish) months ago and we never expected to be where we are today. . .

So, as I sit here today, I hurt. I hurt worse then I did pre-chiro. Is that a good thing? A bad thing? Or does it mean absolutely nothing? I do not know, but I do know that I can not continue like this. . .

However, I do think that I have come to a conclusion and that is to seek that "second" opinion from the illioinguinal nerve specialist. Even my chiro says that he has never dealt with this nerve (GREAT!), so, hearing from a sub-specialist that we are on the right or wrong track is what I need. At this point, the primary pain docs have thrown their hands up unless I want to spend lots of money on a surgery that may not work and if it does will only provide 50% relief at best.

This Bettter Work!

I am just returning home from the chiropractor and let me tell you, I hurt! He, along with his assistant, pushed and manipulated the scar tissue until I could not bear it any longer. Then we went and did 'neuro stim' (think a TENS Unit with more power). That felt great and I loved all 25 minutes of being pain free, but as soon as they took it off, the pain returned. I was able to make it to the truck before the tears began from the pain. . .

Now, I am home and praying that this will be worth it in the end. I expected it to be intense, but not like this. My expectation was equivalent to the physical therapy I went through after all of the baby drama. That I could laugh through. Right now, I can not pretend to be okay even if I try as the pain is at that level. . .

I am honestly not sure how much more of this I can take. I am tired of hearing the docs say that I am not their average patient. I am tired of them saying they have no idea so go see this other doc. I just want to get this pain to a level that I can deal with. If I am meant to hurt forever, so be it. But, it needs to be at a level that I can tolerate. Not a level that is tearing me apart. . .

Tommorow's Hope. . .

Tomorrow I began the active release treatment from the chiropractor. Going into this, I am scared. I am scared that if I put all of my faith and hope into this appointment that it will not work. I am scared that this plain and simple will not work. I am scared that living with this pain is something that I am going to have to do from now on. I am scared because I am not sure how much longer I can pretend to be brave to everyone.

Over the years, I have learned to mask my emotions or physical ailments. To cover things up. To put on a nice smile and tell the world that I am great. That there is absolutely nothing wrong. It is a blessing when there are those times that I do not want anyone to know and it is a curse, when others do not understand the level of things because I have that 'I am great' smile that appears to be so real, even to those that know me best.

Right now, it is a curse. I want to let my guard down. To truly let in on to the level of pain that I am feeling. To truly let on what the reality of this is. BUT, I do not know how. I am trying to learn, but it is hard. Even the pain doctors tell me that I am tolerating this pain very well. Again, a blessing and a curse. . .

My prayer is, as hard as this is, for God's will. Whether it be for this to work or for us to take the next step of the illioinguinal nerve specialist. Either way, we will know within a few weeks. . .

Really?!?!?

I have been experiencing many things lately that leave me a little perplexed. . .

• My hair is falling out (Thank God I have curly hair so you can't really tell!)
  
• My nails are VERY brittle and breaking all the time
• One side of my belly is bigger than the other
• I keep getting these odd sores that will take forever to heal (One on my thigh right now that has been there for 3 weeks!)
• Oh, and the pimples! I feel like a teenager again!

I am not sure if it is just my body's shock from the surgery, menopausal symptoms, or just me!

Another Month. . .

As May ends and June begins, I am filled with many different and varying emotions. This journey has had so many twists and turns and ups and downs that were never expected. There are a few things that I hold onto, and even though my emotions are all over the place, I know the following to be true:

• That God knows all of this. He, and only He, knows when the nerve pain will end. He knew that a total hysterectomy would happen when I was only 28. He knew all of the complications that would occur.
• That my husband will stand by my side. That our vows of in better and worse, in sickness and in health would truly be put to the test these past 27 months. And although this can and does put a strain on us, we are learning to work through it and, praise God, we are coming out stronger than ever!
• That my faith and trust would falter. That I would question the why behind it all. That I would feel anger and resentment for the path that was chosen for me. But in the end, God will help me see the light and those feelings do not last for long.
  
• That my heart would ache one minute and be glad the next. And not glad in regards to my infertility, but glad that I am no longer plagued with all of the other issues that were present just 3 short months ago.
• That my need/desire to help other women appreciate the gift of their fertility would become a priority.
• That nothing will go as planned.
  

In all, it has been a trying 3 months, with this month being one of finding answers to the problems. Trying to figure out what is causing the pain and then creating the solution. Next month, we will begin the chiropractic care in hopes that it will help with the nerve pain and break up the scar tissue. So, onward we go in the hope to find answers. . .

(Me and the kiddos!)

My Companion on this Journey!

For the past 2 years, I have used this heating pad almost daily and this is the result. . .

. . . a heating pad that is held together by Duck Tape!