God's Plan

As I sit here and write this out, I am feeling a huge mix of emotions. Lately, I have been surrounded by life, new life. It seems that everywhere I go, there is a pregnant lady. Very often I get 'that call' from a friend telling me that they are expecting. I am joyous for them. Grateful that they are understanding, respecting, and cherishing their gift of fertility. Praying that they understand just how sacred of a gift this is. How quickly it can be gone. . .

I have said that looking at my life, I envisioned it being full of children. I am one of 9 and I wanted that many if not more. . .Since the surgery and talking to many more professionals, I have come to realize that it is a true miracle that I have 3 beautiful blessings here. Maybe I just have to change the way that I looked at it. That all of those children were mine through adoption or that those were children of couples who conceived through the tools that I *hopefully* will one day provide them with. But regardless, I still struggle with the loss of my primary fertility. . .

So many take this gift for granted. So many do not think twice about their fertility, just see it as a bother once a month. Then there are those that want and long for that child yet can not conceive or carry a child within for as long as needed. My heart absolutely breaks for all of those suffering. For all of those who have lost children whether it was right after conception or days before a due date. You still grieve. You still hurt. You still mourn. . .

Although these are two seperate issues, they are both infertility. One may not experience the loss of a child, but you still experience the loss of a part of yourself. Almost a secondary infertility of sorts in that you overcame it once, but this one has you. . . This one you can not move past either from emotional restraint or physical. This time you are almost a victim. . .

I never thought that I would seek out an infertility group, but that is exactly what I have done. These women feel and understand the longing and heartache. Like so many, I never thought that I would be 'one of them' . . .