A Life of It's Own

Growing up, I was the one that was going to be like the old woman that lives in a shoe. I wanted to have a HUGE family. I love the chaos and fun. I love the relationships formed between siblings. I love it all. Having 'just' 3 was never what I thought would be in my plan. . . His plan for me. . .

No, I am not taking for granted what I have. I am blessed beyond words with these three and I have said that many times, I just never thought that this was His plan for me. After talking with many, it is an absolute miracle that I was able to conceive these precious babies as there are so many that can not. Please understand, that I am not in any way ungrateful for what I have been given. Or that for one minute I take this for granted. . .

When The docs first mentioned a hysterectomy, during my 3rd emergency c-section in March of 2009, I was shocked. We had already been told the risks of becoming pregnant again, that it would most likely be my life, the babies life, or both. But a hysterectomy? Things settled for a bit and then, at 12 1/2 months, the baby weaned and things progressively became worse. . .

By the summer/fall, I had surgeries to remove some endometriosis, polyps, and cysts. This worked for a month, and then things became unbearable. I was sent from surgeon to surgeon when I finally ended up with one that said my only hope what a total hysterectomy. I begged for another option. I sought out other opinions. Everybody and everything kept coming back to him. At the appointment where it was scheduled, I was sobbing. He looked at me and told me that this was his decision. That I have lost all say in this. This made me feel better, but I still felt like part of me was dying. . .

I looked far and wide for a twenty-something who had been through this, but could find no one. The youngest I found was mid thirties. . . I am 28. . . I wanted to know what it was like. How their recovery was. Why they had one. So many questions and so little answers. This was one of the hardest things. . . the feeling of isolation. . .

That is why I stated this blog. I wanted to give other young twenty-somethings hope. I wanted to let them know that they are not alone. I want them to know that if nothing else I care. I truly, deeply care. . . .

As the days have turned into weeks, and the weeks into months, this blog has turned into a great outlet for me as well. A way to share my feelings. My emotions. My struggles. My battles, both internal and external. My dreams. My prayers. A way to share it all. As the time continues, I have thought about stopping, but I enjoy this. I enjoy putting this out there. I enjoy not holding things inside. I enjoy this outlet. . .

So, this blog is going to incorporate all things feminine now. I will share being a mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend. I will share myself. I will continue to share my recovery, but there will be more as I have enjoyed this far more than I ever imagined.

So, thank you to all that have encouraged me along this tough road. This road that I never though I would travel. . .