Perspective

I have been thinking a lot lately about the difference between a 20 something who feels "not done" with her family versus an older, 50+ year old menopausal woman when facing a hysterectomy. . . The difference is night and day. Quality of life improves for both, but while one is raising grand kids, the other is watching her friends create and grow their families. . .

Obviously, the 'she' here is me and the other is my aunt. We both HAD to have our surgeries as there were no other options. She came home the next day and was sore for 2 days. I am 5 1/2 months out and sore does not describe the pain I still feel. She is moving on and hardly looking back at the surgery. I have good days, but have yet to have more than a few hours where I forget about this reality. The fact that her uterus is gone does not seem to bother her, yet it grieves me greatly. Even if it was never to house another life, I would still take great joy in knowing it was there. My uterus was the first home that all of my children knew. It cocooned them and cradled them. It brought forth new life.

This is all the difference in perspective that she and I have. Even my mother who thought this surgery might be in her future, was okay with the possibility and she is someone I NEVER thought would be okay with a hysterectomy. Again, the difference in knowing you are 'done' and not wanting to be done. . .

I think, however, that both of their perspectives have helped me see that this is okay. That having a hysterectomy is not the end of the world. That life goes on. That I am not less of a woman, daughter, wife, mother, sister than I was prior. . .

Que Sera, Sera

THE Test

This past week, I had a doctors appt where they needed to know prior if I was pregnant. The nurse led me to a bathroom where the container was and told me to leave it on the shelf when I was done. I, knowing what this was for, told her that it was not necessary because I had a hysterectomy 139 days prior. For the next 35 minutes, she and I spoke about this. . .

Of course, there were the standard questions of why? Who? Where? But she also keyed into a very important part of it that is so often overlooked. She asked me how I was dealing with this emotionally. . . The only people that ask me how I am are those that suffer from infertility. Others just make mention of how nice it is to not have to walk down 'that' aisle anymore. What those do not understand is that I would love to walk down 'that' aisle again. To have 'that' problem. 'That Problem' is something that I miss greatly, but like I have said before, 'that problem' was a true problem for me. . .

A Life of It's Own

Growing up, I was the one that was going to be like the old woman that lives in a shoe. I wanted to have a HUGE family. I love the chaos and fun. I love the relationships formed between siblings. I love it all. Having 'just' 3 was never what I thought would be in my plan. . . His plan for me. . .

No, I am not taking for granted what I have. I am blessed beyond words with these three and I have said that many times, I just never thought that this was His plan for me. After talking with many, it is an absolute miracle that I was able to conceive these precious babies as there are so many that can not. Please understand, that I am not in any way ungrateful for what I have been given. Or that for one minute I take this for granted. . .

When The docs first mentioned a hysterectomy, during my 3rd emergency c-section in March of 2009, I was shocked. We had already been told the risks of becoming pregnant again, that it would most likely be my life, the babies life, or both. But a hysterectomy? Things settled for a bit and then, at 12 1/2 months, the baby weaned and things progressively became worse. . .

By the summer/fall, I had surgeries to remove some endometriosis, polyps, and cysts. This worked for a month, and then things became unbearable. I was sent from surgeon to surgeon when I finally ended up with one that said my only hope what a total hysterectomy. I begged for another option. I sought out other opinions. Everybody and everything kept coming back to him. At the appointment where it was scheduled, I was sobbing. He looked at me and told me that this was his decision. That I have lost all say in this. This made me feel better, but I still felt like part of me was dying. . .

I looked far and wide for a twenty-something who had been through this, but could find no one. The youngest I found was mid thirties. . . I am 28. . . I wanted to know what it was like. How their recovery was. Why they had one. So many questions and so little answers. This was one of the hardest things. . . the feeling of isolation. . .

That is why I stated this blog. I wanted to give other young twenty-somethings hope. I wanted to let them know that they are not alone. I want them to know that if nothing else I care. I truly, deeply care. . . .

As the days have turned into weeks, and the weeks into months, this blog has turned into a great outlet for me as well. A way to share my feelings. My emotions. My struggles. My battles, both internal and external. My dreams. My prayers. A way to share it all. As the time continues, I have thought about stopping, but I enjoy this. I enjoy putting this out there. I enjoy not holding things inside. I enjoy this outlet. . .

So, this blog is going to incorporate all things feminine now. I will share being a mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend. I will share myself. I will continue to share my recovery, but there will be more as I have enjoyed this far more than I ever imagined.

So, thank you to all that have encouraged me along this tough road. This road that I never though I would travel. . .

God's Plan

As I sit here and write this out, I am feeling a huge mix of emotions. Lately, I have been surrounded by life, new life. It seems that everywhere I go, there is a pregnant lady. Very often I get 'that call' from a friend telling me that they are expecting. I am joyous for them. Grateful that they are understanding, respecting, and cherishing their gift of fertility. Praying that they understand just how sacred of a gift this is. How quickly it can be gone. . .

I have said that looking at my life, I envisioned it being full of children. I am one of 9 and I wanted that many if not more. . .Since the surgery and talking to many more professionals, I have come to realize that it is a true miracle that I have 3 beautiful blessings here. Maybe I just have to change the way that I looked at it. That all of those children were mine through adoption or that those were children of couples who conceived through the tools that I *hopefully* will one day provide them with. But regardless, I still struggle with the loss of my primary fertility. . .

So many take this gift for granted. So many do not think twice about their fertility, just see it as a bother once a month. Then there are those that want and long for that child yet can not conceive or carry a child within for as long as needed. My heart absolutely breaks for all of those suffering. For all of those who have lost children whether it was right after conception or days before a due date. You still grieve. You still hurt. You still mourn. . .

Although these are two seperate issues, they are both infertility. One may not experience the loss of a child, but you still experience the loss of a part of yourself. Almost a secondary infertility of sorts in that you overcame it once, but this one has you. . . This one you can not move past either from emotional restraint or physical. This time you are almost a victim. . .

I never thought that I would seek out an infertility group, but that is exactly what I have done. These women feel and understand the longing and heartache. Like so many, I never thought that I would be 'one of them' . . .

Another Month. . .

As May ends and June begins, I am filled with many different and varying emotions. This journey has had so many twists and turns and ups and downs that were never expected. There are a few things that I hold onto, and even though my emotions are all over the place, I know the following to be true:

• That God knows all of this. He, and only He, knows when the nerve pain will end. He knew that a total hysterectomy would happen when I was only 28. He knew all of the complications that would occur.
• That my husband will stand by my side. That our vows of in better and worse, in sickness and in health would truly be put to the test these past 27 months. And although this can and does put a strain on us, we are learning to work through it and, praise God, we are coming out stronger than ever!
• That my faith and trust would falter. That I would question the why behind it all. That I would feel anger and resentment for the path that was chosen for me. But in the end, God will help me see the light and those feelings do not last for long.
  
• That my heart would ache one minute and be glad the next. And not glad in regards to my infertility, but glad that I am no longer plagued with all of the other issues that were present just 3 short months ago.
• That my need/desire to help other women appreciate the gift of their fertility would become a priority.
• That nothing will go as planned.
  

In all, it has been a trying 3 months, with this month being one of finding answers to the problems. Trying to figure out what is causing the pain and then creating the solution. Next month, we will begin the chiropractic care in hopes that it will help with the nerve pain and break up the scar tissue. So, onward we go in the hope to find answers. . .

(Me and the kiddos!)

12 week Progress Report (Some TMI)

I can hardly believe that in just over a week, it will be 3 months since the surgery. I must say that all of my pre-op fears of feeling less of a woman, less of a wife, less of a mother were incorrect. I am absolutely no less of a mother, wife, woman than I was 3 months ago. . . And, all of the physical issues I was battling prior have all diminished! The only remaining issue is that stubborn nerve, which is secondary to the primary issue and, I pray, will be resolved soon. . .

I do wish that I had been told quite a few things prior. So for anybody facing a hysterectomy, here are some things I wish I had been told about that I personally experienced:

• Fatigue! There will be a lot of it and it will last for quite a while ~ I still must take a 'rest' midday.

• Urinating can be very difficult and painful. You may experience some very painful bladder spasms, so do not let you bladder fill up.

• Having a BM in the beginning is incredibly painful as all of those structures have been manipulated and man handled!

• Your belly will swell. Make sure to have plenty of elastic waisted clothes and/or dresses. And just when you think you have passed that point, it will come back full swing!
  

• No matter how careful you are, you will gain weight.

• You will experience many dramatic mood swings even if you have 1 or 2 ovaries remaining.

• If your cervix is removed, you will notice a change in odor and discharge when the cuff stitches dissolve. And it can be unpleasant! (At 12 weeks, I am still waiting for 1 to completely dissolve. . . Frustrating!)
  

• Regardless of the cervix, you might experience sharp, almost stabbing pains in your vagina. They will take your breath away. . . Even at 12 weeks out, I still have this!
  

• Because of the change in PH with a hysterectomy, you might experience many yeast infections which you can not treat with external creams only pills!

• Nausea ~ I experienced this for the first 7 weeks post-op. . UGH!

• It takes up to 1 year for your body to completely heal from a hysterectomy! I have spoken to many women who have had the 'swelly belly' and fatigue for a year or more. . . I sure hope that mine does not last nearly that long!!!
  

In the end, I am grateful that I had it. Like I stated earlier, all of my issues prior have been completely resolved. The pain from the endometriosis and adenomyosis are gone along with all of the awfulness associated with them. No more periods that require a blood transfusion afterward. No more of so many things that I need to be thankful for and that I need to focus on. . . Now onto that stubborn nerve!

When I Grow Up

Through this, I have truly come to appreciate the gift of womanhood. I have come to appreciate who we are. The different gifts that we are given. The different challenges that we face. . .

When my sister was here 2 weeks ago, we were talking about what it means to be a woman. During our conversation, it hit me. I want to help others embrace this gift of femininity. I want to help them celebrate and rejoice with all that they can do with the gift of fertility. God only knows whether I use this to teach a form of Natural Family Planning, become a Doula, a Midwife. Who knows. I just know that this is what my heart feels called to do. . .

Man or Woman?

I had my urology follow up today. The appointment itself went well. We learned some news, but as the doctor stood next to me and opened my chart, I noticed 2 things -->

1. My bladder scan stated that I was "male"
and
2. my appointment progress report was a generic "male" form.

When I inquired as to why this was, I was told that because I no longer have a uterus, I have to be given those sheets especially during the bladder scan. They all laughed it off. . . "We know you are not a man" jokes, etc, but inside, I was broken. I felt like I had been slapped in the face. Like every ounce of femininity I had was stripped from me. Could these professionals not see the hole that is already within my abdomen? The one that at one point brought forth new life. The one that has been thrown away with the trash?

Tonight, my heart is aching. I want to run and never look back. I want this to be over. I want to feel better. I thought this would be the easy surgery. The old people are back on their feet in a week having to remind themselves that they can not do things. Meanwhile, I am nowhere near old and I am wishing that I would have to remind myself not to do things. I want to be better. I want. . .

It has been a while since I had a good cry. I am making up for lost time tonight. . .

The Name

I came across a song with a phrase I adored and thought was the perfect title for this blog. It read:

"I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else, I'm gonna treat me right. . ."

Still A Woman :-)

I had a dream before the surgery that when I woke from the anesthesia, there was a large hole in my abdomen where my womb once was. I was able to look inside and see this gaping hole. This emptiness inside of me. A part of me was gone. . .

When I woke up at the hospital, one of the first things I did was rub my belly. To my surprise, there was no hole. There was no visible emptiness. There was just me. I was the same me that I was when I went into the OR hours earlier. I was no less a woman. No less a mother. No less a daughter. No less a wife.

When I got out of the bed for the first time, I was still me. When I walked around, I was still me. When I came home to my family, I was still me. My children still call me mommy. My husband still calls me his wife. My parents still call me daughter. Yes, I lost my womb, but I am still very much a woman!

Tears of Joy :-)

For many nights now, I have dreamt of some change in my life. Whether it was the addition of a new child or a move to a new house or a new job. Something changed. At first I was quite puzzled as my dreams really never follow a pattern night after night. And then it hit me, I am preparing for a big change. A forever change. A change that will prevent me from ever carrying another life within. A change that will take part of the body God gave me away. A change that was always for "other people."

Last night, I awoke from my sleep crying. A good cry. A peaceful cry. The kind of cry you have when something you have worried about turns out to be okay. After the tears ended, my heart felt what my head knew ~ That everything would be fine. I would still be a woman. I would still be a wife, mother, sister, daughter, aunt. I would still be me.

Now, I pray that my heart does not lose sight of that in the next 19 days. That I will still have the same peace and knowledge then as I do now. That the fear and anxiety do not return, rather my confidence and trust remain.

Thank you for the gift of life!

As I prepare for the upcoming surgery, I want to thank my body for all that it has done. . .

For as long as I can remember, I have only wanted to be a wife and a mother. Both of those dreams have come true, but the last one could not have occurred without the gift of my femininity. After my precious baby was born 23 months ago, I was told that my womb should never be used to house another life. Those that know me, know about those struggles. This was a hard reality as I had always wanted a houseful of children. . . In fact, when asked how many children I wanted, my response was always "as many as God will give me." Never did I think that would be ONLY 3. . . But, I still had my womb should things one day change. . .

Now with the surgery in sight, those dreams are forever changed. My body will never grow another life. I will never feel a little one under my ribs kick me as s/he tries to squirm again. I will never again have the opportunity to hold my baby shortly after they are born from my womb. . .A part of me is dieing. . . This is my reality and I must accept it and move on. . .

Before that happens though, I need to tell my womb thank you. Thank you for helping me to realize my dreams of becoming a mother. Thank you for guiding me through 3 full pregnancies. Thank you for all of the pain and headaches you have caused. Thank you for everything. . .

The Essence of Being a Woman

What makes a woman a woman? Is it something physical? Something inside? What exactly is it?

Websters dictionary defines femininity as: the quality or nature of the female sex. Wikipedia defines it as: female qualities attributed specifically to women and girls.

Both definitions are good, but neither of them answer the specific question of what makes a woman a woman. This leaves me to wonder if those that have surgery to remove their reproductive organs via a hysterectomy or their breasts via a mastectomy, does this take away from who they are as a woman?

In speaking with many that have been down the hysterectomy road, I am realizing that the answer to this is no. You do not come out of the operating room any less of a woman then who you were when you entered. If this is true, why then, do I feel like I will be someone I do not know when I am rolled through those doors after surgery. That I will be an entirely different person. . .

Fear of the unknown is has a tight grip on me right now. The anxiety is nearly out of control. I pray that time will pass rather quickly until March 3 and then I will wake up afterwards and realize first hand just how wrong I was. . .