Tommorow's Hope. . .

Tomorrow I began the active release treatment from the chiropractor. Going into this, I am scared. I am scared that if I put all of my faith and hope into this appointment that it will not work. I am scared that this plain and simple will not work. I am scared that living with this pain is something that I am going to have to do from now on. I am scared because I am not sure how much longer I can pretend to be brave to everyone.

Over the years, I have learned to mask my emotions or physical ailments. To cover things up. To put on a nice smile and tell the world that I am great. That there is absolutely nothing wrong. It is a blessing when there are those times that I do not want anyone to know and it is a curse, when others do not understand the level of things because I have that 'I am great' smile that appears to be so real, even to those that know me best.

Right now, it is a curse. I want to let my guard down. To truly let in on to the level of pain that I am feeling. To truly let on what the reality of this is. BUT, I do not know how. I am trying to learn, but it is hard. Even the pain doctors tell me that I am tolerating this pain very well. Again, a blessing and a curse. . .

My prayer is, as hard as this is, for God's will. Whether it be for this to work or for us to take the next step of the illioinguinal nerve specialist. Either way, we will know within a few weeks. . .