The Path of Love

When Robert and I married nearly 8 years ago, we vowed to be true to one another in good times and in bad. In sickness and in health. To honor each other all the days of our lives. We both knew that in saying this, we were making a lifelong commitment to the other and to God. One that we could never get out of for any reason. We were also young and a bit naive. We thought that we were above all problems. . . in sickness? bad times? Does a cold and an argument about dinner count?! This was the magnitude of our issues. . .

Then came Robert's pregnancy which was picture perfect until delivery. We will never forget April 8 of that year as we were sitting at the doctors office. I was contracting at 37wks and with each contraction, his heart rate decelerated. Finally, it went down and never came up. Our doctor rushed in and told us to get to the hospital asap as I needed an emergency c-section or we would lose the baby. . . Our pastor and my family met us there. We prayed. We cried. We rejoiced that the baby was still alive. After the c-section, my doctor informed me that I had a velementous cord and only 1/3 of it was attached to the placenta. On top of that, I was in the midst of a placental abruption, the same thing that claimed the life of my brother just 4 years prior. . .

When Little Robert was 4 months old, we had to make the hard decision to move away from my family and head to Jacksonville, FL, where his family lived a job was. This was a very hard time in our marriage. A lot of stress and anxiety. We were both starting new jobs, living with his mother, and I was away from my family for the first time in 22 years. . .

Shortly after we bought our 2nd house in our 2 years of marriage, we became pregnant with Hannah. Her pregnancy was nothing like Robert's. I was told from the get go that she would not make it, but sonogram after sonogram proved the docs wrong! I was having to get progesterone injections multiple times a week to *try* and prevent pre-term labor. At 20.3 weeks, I was admitted for the first of many times in labor. This continued for the next 13 weeks when she finally made her emergent arrival at 36 weeks because of another placental abruption. . .

When she turned 1, we bought and sold another home, only to find out that I, once again, was pregnant. This time, I was scared. We were scared. My docs ordered a bunch of tests that showed some issues with my clotting factors and thus began the process of twice daily heparin injections and 2-3 doc visits a week until Wesley arrived at 7 months gestation. At 36 hours I was able to touch him with 1 finger and NO stroking as I could not stimulate him. While he was having his issues, I was having my own. Normally you go home 3 days after a c-section. Well, that time frame came and went. Finally, after a week, I was discharged, only to re-admitted 12 hours later for another week. Thus began the journey of the last 2 1/2 years. . .

I must honestly say that since Wesley's birth, our marriage has had more ups and downs than I can count. So much that I can easily see where people would say 'I am done' and walk away. But, I go back to our vows that we both took. Neither of us knew that this is what was in our future, but God did and He is giving us the strength, endurance, and love to make it through these rough times.

For many, these struggles would tear them apart, but for Robert and I, it has brought us together in ways I never could have imagined. It has done so much for us and while the trials are not over and there are still obstacles that lay ahead, I could not imagine any of it without him by my side, holding my hand and encouraging me with every step. Being my cheerleader when I am not. Holding me and wiping my tears as I cry. Being there for me. . .

Helping or Hurting?

I have 2 chiropractor sessions under my belt, and the pain has not eased. At my appointment on Thursday, all he did was some stretching and the wonderful neuro stim. There was absolutely no manipulation in the nerve area or any of the surrounding structures as he did not want to cause any further pain. . .

I again left and as soon as I arrived home, I snuggled into my hubby's arm (you know that fabulous spot on their chest where they can wrap their arm around you and let you know that it will be okay?!?!?) and began to sob. They were tears of pain, frustration, agony, exhaustion, etc etc. I know that it has only been just over 3 months since my hysterectomy, but the drama began when I became pregnant 32(ish) months ago and we never expected to be where we are today. . .

So, as I sit here today, I hurt. I hurt worse then I did pre-chiro. Is that a good thing? A bad thing? Or does it mean absolutely nothing? I do not know, but I do know that I can not continue like this. . .

However, I do think that I have come to a conclusion and that is to seek that "second" opinion from the illioinguinal nerve specialist. Even my chiro says that he has never dealt with this nerve (GREAT!), so, hearing from a sub-specialist that we are on the right or wrong track is what I need. At this point, the primary pain docs have thrown their hands up unless I want to spend lots of money on a surgery that may not work and if it does will only provide 50% relief at best.

Support System. . . (VENT)

I wrote a post a while back about how I felt my support system that had been surrounding me was crumbling. It took time, but it was rebuilt, although not nearly as strong. I am not sure what is happening, but once again, my extended support system, is falling apart. Those that would listen as I cried are not there. Those that knew how hard this is emotionally and physically are not there anymore. As a result, I am left wondering what I did wrong. What happened that made them leave me. What was it that made them silently turn their backs. I know that this journey is hard and long, and I am sure that makes those that were once so close not want to wait around anymore, but I need them and I am not sure how to make them see this anymore. This short race has turned into a marathon, but I still need encouragement to make it to the finish line. .

Then there are those that know how to hurt me to the core. Those that make comments that make me want to curl into the fetal position and sob. Those that have absolutely no idea how badly I need reassurance that things will go back to the way they were and that this will not be my new normal, my families new normal. . .

Spiritually, I am feeling much better. I know that the why behind this will come around. I know that there is a reason for this. Even in the middle of the night when the pain awakens me from a dead sleep and brings me to tears from the severity, I can feel HIM holding me and whispering that I will get through this. In my moments of great need, when all is quiet and still, HE is there. That has done me great good. Every night as my husband, kiddos, and I settle for our family rosary, the children's special intention is for mommy's tummy. That mommy will not need another operation. Then when bedtime arrives, they not only give me hugs and kisses, but they will kiss my belly boo-boo too!

Just like before, I know that this support system will be rebuilt. I know that it is not a matter of if, rather when. With time, the hurt will fade. With time all of this will be but a distant memory. . .

Still Waiting. . .

Well, so far, this nerve block has not worked like the other. I am having very little relief from it thus far. My sincerest prayer is that it has just not had time to stick to the nerve, but in the back of my head, I know that we are past that 24-48 hour period. While I still hope and pray, I am trying to mentally prepare my self for surgery. For #8 in 26 months. Something that I so badly do not want, but at the same time, I can not keep on like this. . .

I feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into a depression. I can still put on my mask and hide it, but inside I am frail and weak. I am not sure just how much longer I can fake that I am okay. That I am dealing with all of this just fine. That life will go on. . .

I look at my 3 precious kiddos everyday and I thank God for them. I thank God that even though each pregnancy came with its ups and downs, that they are still here. They keep me going, day in and day out. I look at my husband and thank God that our lives intersected that fateful day in June 2002. I could not make this journey without him next to me, cheering me on. He has held my hand through each surgery over the past two years. He has wiped my tears when things did not go as planned. He told me that he loved me regardless of the hardships that I brought. With these 4 people, I wake up each morning knowing that there is a journey ahead, but a journey that I can overcome. A journey that we can overcome.

So, as I try and mentally prepare for another trip to the OR, I am reminded that I am blessed. I am reminded that I am lucky. I am reminded that I have at least 4 cheerleaders cheering me on as we all travel this journey. I am reminded that God is in charge. He knew that I would, rather that WE would have this cross to carry. He knew that in the end, we would be grateful and see the why behind all of this. . .

4 Generations of Women

This picture was taken last year at my older sister's wedding. It was the first time for my mom to be present with her mom, daughter, and grand-daughter. We duplicated it this year at my little sister's wedding, but our personal camera's picture came out a bit blurry. . .

Missing My Family

When I started this blog, I promised myself that I would be honest and open about my feelings and emotions. That I would not hold back. I think so far, I have done that. . . But now, I am having some very real, very hard emotions. I am not wanting to put them out there because I do not want to hurt anyone or make anyone feel guilty. My heart is being pulled. . . But, I need to get it out there. . .

I live where my in-laws live. They are great and I love them dearly. But, all of them work. All of them have busy lives. All of them are busy dealing with there day to day. . .

I want my family. I want my mother to come over and sit with me. I want my sisters and sister-in-law (wink, wink!) to come over and help me. I want my brothers and brother-in-laws to come over and play with my children and bring their dogs, guitars, and juggling skills. I want my father to come over and talk with my husband and let him know that his feeling and emotions are okay. I want MY family. I want this. I want this today more than I have ever wanted it. . .

I watched jeopardy tonight and there was a question about heffalumps. I immediately went into hysterics. . . When we had just come home from the hospital with our oldest baby, my oldest sister, brought him into his tiny room and talked to him all about these mystical creatures from Winnie the Pooh (although there was no Winnie the Pooh in his room!). . . He slept the entire time, but I vividly remember sitting in my bed listening to her so lovingly tell him not to be afraid of them. . .

So, Mama and Papa, Rachael and Bret, Michael and Shelley, Clare and Will, Maura, Mollie, and Joseph, I miss you. I miss you greatly. I miss the help and comfort you could provide at this time in our journey. I miss it all. . .

I love you all. (This is still missing a few! I LOVE my big family!)

Words of Wisdom

I sent a dear friend, who happens to be an OB/GYN, an e-mail yesterday before I bothered my doctor again to see her thoughts on this incredible increase in pain, etc. We had spoken at the wedding and before the surgery about the plan. She knew about as much information as my doctors. . . And, she knew my hearts desire to have more children. . .

She wrote me back with some very sound and wise advice:

I think I would wait a week and see how the pain level is then. Take as much pain meds as you need to stay comfortable. Last week was quite a marathon for you that soon after your surgery - not foolish (who would miss a sister's wedding if it was remotely possible?) but definitely physically challenging. The fact that the pain is stable sounds reassuring. If it gets worse or has not improved in a week, yes, I would get back in touch with your gyn surgeon. Your bladder problem is unfortunately not rare after hysterectomy. The bladder is intimately attached to the front of the uterus and must be carefully dissected away from it during the hysterectomy. Bruising commonly occurs, and the bladder reacts with muscle spasms. This, too, shall pass. (Have you been praying for patience lately?!!) Yes, rest, and don't plan on doing anything you don't have to for another month. And even then, I doubt you will be back to full speed until 6 months from the surgery. I think you absolutely made the best decision by having the surgery now. The surgery would only have been more complicated had you waited, since endometriosis gets worse with time, until menopause, that is, and that's 20 years away!
You really looked great, and your little ones are so beautiful. I think it's miraculous you were able to have three babies with all that endometriosis. I keep you in my prayers.

I sent this to my husband to which he responded:

You know – I keep hearing the same thing…. We’re really lucky to have 3 children. And they really are beautiful children, too. I mean, most kids are just ho hum… but, ours are absolutely precious in every regard (probably because they are all so small for their age). I can’t imagine a life without Robert, Hannah or Wesley. And, I can’t believe how blessed we are. God has definitely been good to us – I think He has favored us for our faith and service to Him that was predominant in our pre children life – your walking and passion for the faith, my involvement in different ministries. I think if we were just average – we would have one, possibly. I think our large family, while not as large as we foresaw, is absolutely perfect! Considering all that you have been through and your bodies capabilities, this IS a large family. And God has been so good to us! Besides, we could have only had one more before needing a mini bus. And I just bought that van…..

I am learning with this, that God is putting people in my life at just the right time. They are speaking the words that I need to hear. They are encouraging me and keeping me going. When I feel myself sinking into that dark place, I try and remind myself that if God brought me to it, He will bring me through it!

The Downward Slide

We just returned from a fabulous trip to MS for my sister's wedding. I knew going into it, that it would be difficult, but just how difficult I did not know. I shared these concerns with my doctor and he gave me some guidelines and medication just in case. The 12 hour ride out was difficult, but doable. I made a pallet in the back and was able to lay down. We stopped frequently so that I could stretch my legs. We made a day of it. . .

That Tuesday night, as we settled into the hotel, I realized that my level of pain was increasing. This happened everyday while we were there. . . I would wake each morning with more pain than normal and by the evening, things were becoming very intense. At the rehearsal on Thursday, I had to sit for parts of it and we even left the dinner early as I was in a great deal of pain. There were times where I contemplated a trip to the ER if the pain did not ease. . .

In all, the trip was harder than I ever anticipated, even with all of the resting that I did. Even with my family and friends taking care of the kiddos and my husband meeting every one of my needs. Even with all of the precautions that I took, I still slid backwards in the recovery. Even knowing this, I would not have missed it or changed anything. My sister will be married one time and there is absolutely nothing that would have made me miss it. . .

But, I am now playing catch up. Where my energy was once growing, it is now gone. Where the pain was becoming more manageable, it now is not. Where I felt like I was making progress, I now feel like I am just standing still where I am at. . .

In hindsight, maybe it was not wise to travel 1200 miles just 4 1/2 weeks after a hysterectomy, but there is no way that I would have missed my sisters wedding. I am truly grateful to both my sister and my new brother-in-law for their kindness and understanding with all of this. Their compassion helped ease my guilt of taking away from their day. . .

Support System

I feel like my support system is falling apart. Those that I need most, are turning their backs and causing hurt instead of help and comfort. I have my incredible husband, friends, and some family support, but that which I truly desire is not there. . .

How do I make them see that I need them. My words are not working. My tears have no effect. My broken heart is not visible to them. . .

I need them so badly. To hold me and comfort me. To wipe my tears and tell me that they love me no less. To let me know that I will be no different. . .

My Love

Yesterday, I felt as if I needed prayers. I was feeling quite weak and vulnerable again. . . I am starting to think that I will feel like this until the surgery. That my emotions will go back and forth. That I will have highs and lows throughout the days. . . So, I asked for prayers. Something I am not good at, but felt that it needed to be done. I put it on facebook and received many wonderful, uplifting comments. But, the best one was from my husband:

"'My brothers, consider it a great joy when trials of many kinds come upon you, for you well know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance, and perseverance must complete its work so that you will become complete, not deficient in any way.' -James 1:2-4. I am here with you, holding your hand through this journey, ready to let go of your hand at a moments notice, not to abandon you, but to carry you."

I am one lucky girl!

My Blessings

Thank you for the gift of life!

As I prepare for the upcoming surgery, I want to thank my body for all that it has done. . .

For as long as I can remember, I have only wanted to be a wife and a mother. Both of those dreams have come true, but the last one could not have occurred without the gift of my femininity. After my precious baby was born 23 months ago, I was told that my womb should never be used to house another life. Those that know me, know about those struggles. This was a hard reality as I had always wanted a houseful of children. . . In fact, when asked how many children I wanted, my response was always "as many as God will give me." Never did I think that would be ONLY 3. . . But, I still had my womb should things one day change. . .

Now with the surgery in sight, those dreams are forever changed. My body will never grow another life. I will never feel a little one under my ribs kick me as s/he tries to squirm again. I will never again have the opportunity to hold my baby shortly after they are born from my womb. . .A part of me is dieing. . . This is my reality and I must accept it and move on. . .

Before that happens though, I need to tell my womb thank you. Thank you for helping me to realize my dreams of becoming a mother. Thank you for guiding me through 3 full pregnancies. Thank you for all of the pain and headaches you have caused. Thank you for everything. . .