Wednesday, September 21


With the events of the past two days - the death of young man and the birth of a precious baby girl - I have been overcome with emotions. I have been joyous of for this family that has longed for this precious one for SO long and I have grieved deeply for this young family who just lost their husband/father. With this, I have been selfishly thinking about my family. My feelings about the way that life is right now. . .

After the kiddos went to bed last night, Robert and I sat on the couch. We were watching TV and reading - just passing the time, and I asked him a question that has been eating at me for a while - but especially these past few days. I asked:

As soon as I asked it, I knew what his answer would be - Hands down, yes. He then turned it around and asked me if I was content with our family. My answer - Hands down, no. Now it is not discontentment in that I am ungrateful, rather it is not what I expected. I cherish *almost* each and every moment with my children. I am absolutely in awe of my family, but I greatly miss that feeling of growing a baby within. The feeling of bringing forth new life. The feeling of knowing that you are responsible for this incredible creation. This masterpiece made by God. 

I asked my mother today if, after John David's birth and death nearly 10 years ago, if she was content with the family she had or if she longed for more. Is it a mother thing? Or is it an I want what I can't have thing? Or a combination of it all? I do not know. But I do know that I desperately want that fulfillment. That feeling of being finished. Of being complete.

**Please understand that by stating this, I am not saying that I am ungrateful in any way. There are just times that I feel like there is a puzzle piece missing. I truly believe that this is because I always imagined my life differently and also because I KNOW that possibility of carrying another child within is gone. One day, if God so desires for us to adopt we will. But for now, until both Robert and I, IF Robert and I, decide that it is time and HE agrees with that, we will just enjoy our time as a family of 5. Again, I am NOT being ungrateful. I KNOW just how lucky we are to have children and I am beyond grateful that God saw fit for us to be parents and to care for His child.**

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