From the Mouth of Babes. . .

Today we ran an errand to the store for some groceries. One item on the list was diapers. . . We buy store brand, and there was 1 box in the very back. Because of the nerve pain, I am unable to bend, or get into a position that would allow me easy access. So, my 6 year old, seeing that mommy was having trouble, crawled to the back to get the diapers. When he came out, he put his hand on my tummy and told me that he will always be help me until my tummy feels better and then he kissed right where his hand was. Immediately my eyes filled with tears. . .

I love how observant he was to my needs, but I absolutely hate that they realize this. I wish that I could hide it from them, but I do not know how. I wish that I could hide the pain on my face. I wish that they did not know exactly where my heating pad is and how to work it or where the frozen peas are and where I need them on my belly. I wish so much, but this is our reality and I must make the most out of it. . .

A Life of It's Own

Growing up, I was the one that was going to be like the old woman that lives in a shoe. I wanted to have a HUGE family. I love the chaos and fun. I love the relationships formed between siblings. I love it all. Having 'just' 3 was never what I thought would be in my plan. . . His plan for me. . .

No, I am not taking for granted what I have. I am blessed beyond words with these three and I have said that many times, I just never thought that this was His plan for me. After talking with many, it is an absolute miracle that I was able to conceive these precious babies as there are so many that can not. Please understand, that I am not in any way ungrateful for what I have been given. Or that for one minute I take this for granted. . .

When The docs first mentioned a hysterectomy, during my 3rd emergency c-section in March of 2009, I was shocked. We had already been told the risks of becoming pregnant again, that it would most likely be my life, the babies life, or both. But a hysterectomy? Things settled for a bit and then, at 12 1/2 months, the baby weaned and things progressively became worse. . .

By the summer/fall, I had surgeries to remove some endometriosis, polyps, and cysts. This worked for a month, and then things became unbearable. I was sent from surgeon to surgeon when I finally ended up with one that said my only hope what a total hysterectomy. I begged for another option. I sought out other opinions. Everybody and everything kept coming back to him. At the appointment where it was scheduled, I was sobbing. He looked at me and told me that this was his decision. That I have lost all say in this. This made me feel better, but I still felt like part of me was dying. . .

I looked far and wide for a twenty-something who had been through this, but could find no one. The youngest I found was mid thirties. . . I am 28. . . I wanted to know what it was like. How their recovery was. Why they had one. So many questions and so little answers. This was one of the hardest things. . . the feeling of isolation. . .

That is why I stated this blog. I wanted to give other young twenty-somethings hope. I wanted to let them know that they are not alone. I want them to know that if nothing else I care. I truly, deeply care. . . .

As the days have turned into weeks, and the weeks into months, this blog has turned into a great outlet for me as well. A way to share my feelings. My emotions. My struggles. My battles, both internal and external. My dreams. My prayers. A way to share it all. As the time continues, I have thought about stopping, but I enjoy this. I enjoy putting this out there. I enjoy not holding things inside. I enjoy this outlet. . .

So, this blog is going to incorporate all things feminine now. I will share being a mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend. I will share myself. I will continue to share my recovery, but there will be more as I have enjoyed this far more than I ever imagined.

So, thank you to all that have encouraged me along this tough road. This road that I never though I would travel. . .

The Solemnity of the Most Holy Body and Blood of Christ

Today's Readings:

• The First Reading: Deuteronomy 8: 2-3, 14-16

• Psalm: Psalms 147: 12-15, 19-20

• The Second Reading: 1 Corinthians 10: 16-17

• Gospel: John 6: 51-58

Since the surgery, it has been very hard to go to Mass as typically my pain is worse in the morning and night ~ right when Mass is. Tonight, even though I was hurting a lot, I felt like I needed to go regardless. I could not tell you what it was that made me push through the pain, but I am glad that I went. . .

As children can sometimes be, they were full of energy tonight. Before long, we had to leave the main church and head to the 'cry room' in the back. I have never been fond of the cry room as most of the time, parents just let their kiddos run wild in there. . . As it turned out, we were the only ones in there! I got them settled just as the Gospel was being finished and the homily was beginning. The kiddos were a bit worried as they know when we have to leave church, that it means they are in trouble. Perfect timing for them to be quiet as I was moved beyond words by the homily. . .

Fr. Than, our Pastor, focused on suffering and pain! He spoke about redemptive suffering, that we as Catholics believe in. He spoke about the graces that can be obtained through offering this up. He spoke on and on and about how God will challenge us with these obstacles. Fr. Than told a very moving story about a father, his son, and the son's friend. By the end of the homily, I was in tears. . .

After the final blessing, as we were packing up our books, we saw Mr. Richard, the seminarian. This was my first time to see him since my surgery and already feeling emotional from the readings and homily, I began to cry. He said a few things and gave me a great hug that was comparable to what your dad would give you when you are little. He prayed with me for a quick second, but that quick prayer brought me peace and comfort. . .

As we were leaving Mass, we had the opportunity to see Fr. Than and Fr. Sal, our associate Pastor. Once again, I was moved to tears by just being in their presence. I told Fr. Than thank you for such a beautiful homily and just how much it touched me. Fr. Sal, who became a priest after his wife passed away, gave me a big squeeze, that was just as good as my Grampy's were. . .

I am so glad that I followed my heart and listened. I am glad that I pushed past the pain. I am even glad that the kiddos acted up so that we moved to the cry room, for if we had not, I would have been focusing more on keeping them quiet and behaving instead of listening. . .

So Long Chiropractor. . .

Well, after giving it all I had, the decision has been made to end the chiropractor sessions. It was a hard one to make as I so desperately wanted this very non-invasive treatment to work. But, with my pain intensifying with each treatment, we all felt that it was not helping. . .

I am not thrilled about this at all. It leaves me once again discouraged that maybe dealing with the pain will become my new normal. That dealing with this pain will become my life. I do not want that. If this is my path in life, so be it, but there has to be something that can ease it. Something that will allow me to do what I need to do without the intense pain. Like I have said before, something has got to give. . .

So, this now leaves 3 docs since the surgery, that have thrown their hands up and said they do not know. They all agree that it is the illioinguinal nerve and that the nerve needs to be treated, but all of the non-invasive techniques they have tried have failed. All 3 have told me that the doc at U and F is an 'expert' and have sent him my charts/records, but we shall see. . .

I am trying to trust that this is His plan, but honestly, I am having a hard time with that right now. I know that our God is incredible. I know that He loves us beyond what we can dream of. I know that he will never give us more than we can handle, but I have to ask why. Why the pain. I am beginning to understand the surgery, but why this?

Once again, I find myself turning to Saints Cosmos and Damian and Saint Gianna Beretta Molla. They are all great sources of comfort for me. . .

God's Plan

As I sit here and write this out, I am feeling a huge mix of emotions. Lately, I have been surrounded by life, new life. It seems that everywhere I go, there is a pregnant lady. Very often I get 'that call' from a friend telling me that they are expecting. I am joyous for them. Grateful that they are understanding, respecting, and cherishing their gift of fertility. Praying that they understand just how sacred of a gift this is. How quickly it can be gone. . .

I have said that looking at my life, I envisioned it being full of children. I am one of 9 and I wanted that many if not more. . .Since the surgery and talking to many more professionals, I have come to realize that it is a true miracle that I have 3 beautiful blessings here. Maybe I just have to change the way that I looked at it. That all of those children were mine through adoption or that those were children of couples who conceived through the tools that I *hopefully* will one day provide them with. But regardless, I still struggle with the loss of my primary fertility. . .

So many take this gift for granted. So many do not think twice about their fertility, just see it as a bother once a month. Then there are those that want and long for that child yet can not conceive or carry a child within for as long as needed. My heart absolutely breaks for all of those suffering. For all of those who have lost children whether it was right after conception or days before a due date. You still grieve. You still hurt. You still mourn. . .

Although these are two seperate issues, they are both infertility. One may not experience the loss of a child, but you still experience the loss of a part of yourself. Almost a secondary infertility of sorts in that you overcame it once, but this one has you. . . This one you can not move past either from emotional restraint or physical. This time you are almost a victim. . .

I never thought that I would seek out an infertility group, but that is exactly what I have done. These women feel and understand the longing and heartache. Like so many, I never thought that I would be 'one of them' . . .

Part of the WHY?!?!?

Well, I did it! After a lot of prayer, discernment, talking to my husband, etc etc, I made that first initial contact. I sent an email to a lady at BOMA. This is the Billings Ovulation Method of America, which is a form of Natural Family Planning. I grew up knowing and learning this method. When we moved out of MS, I could not find an instructor, so I learned the Creighton Model, which is very similar but uses scientific terms instead of your own. While I was satisfied and confident in my knowledge of Creighton, I preferred the simplicity of the BOM.

Since the surgery, I have wanted to help others understand and cherish their fertility. To not take it for granted and to treat it with the respect that it deserves. Our fertility is a gift from God and for so many, that is not understood. I also think, that this might be where parts of my dream may be coming from.

So, late this afternoon, I sat down at the computer to send an email and in my inbox was a sweet note from one of the directors! She told me what to do to become a teacher and be properly 'trained' in how to teach the method. Unfortunately, there is a training session at the end of July, but I do not see myself making that as I am still dealing with too much pain for that kind of travel. . . But disheartened I am not. I am SO excited and prayerful that this is part of HIS will for me!

3 1/2 Month's Out Progress Report

Well, I am at about the 3 1/2 month mark. Looking back it seems like I had the surgery SO long ago, but then it seems like only yesterday. . .

I frequently dream about the surgery. About what must have happened. About what the doctors, nurses, and techs did to my body. I know that this hysterectomy was much needed, but in some way, after that dream, I feel almost taken advantage of. In that dream, they always take my uterus and ovary and 'give' it to another women. Was she more deserving of this gift? Did I do something shameful or undeserving and that is why it was taken away? I always wake up after that, but I desperately want to find out the why she was given this gift. Maybe one day I will be able to dream long enough to find out. . .

Physically, I am okay. I still deal with a lot of pain, but that is the nerve pain. I have also gained some weight. Those of you that know me, understand this battle, but (this is for you, Mama!) do not worry. I am dealing. I am avoiding scales like the plague and doing everything to maintain as healthy a body as I can. . . All we need is more issues! I am still losing a great deal of hair and I am hoping that this is just a result of the stress that the surgery put on my body and not a sign of menopause. My energy is not great, but I am dealing with great pain and that takes all of my energy, not to mention, I am a stay-at-home-mom! So, physically speaking, aside from the nerve, I think that things are going well. I still get strange pulls and tugs in odd places every now and then, but that is about it. . .

So, for being 15 weeks and 4 days out, I myself, am rather impressed. Although I thought the recovery would be MUCH faster than it was, I am grateful that I have been surrounded by such great family and friends. I am grateful for those that remind me that God's time is not our time and as hard as that is, we have to accept it and move on. . . And somewhere be grateful for it as everything has a reason. I can not wait to see the why this path was chosen for me. . .

A New Doc

Well, I finally bit the bullet and called the other pain doc with the University of Florida (Go Gators!) and the earliest appointment they have is August 8th. . . 6 weeks away. Normally 6 weeks is no big deal, but when you are dealing with chronic pain, the thought of 6 more weeks is awful. . . Think of having muscle spasms in the same place all day that intensify with activity for 15 weeks and then add 6 weeks to that. . .

On the flip side, I hope that the 6 week wait means that they are good people and not just a group that hands out narcotics by the handful to whomever they see. I know they are not, but when you talk about pain management docs, the thought of a SWAT raid enters my mind! I want someone that can help me get this to a tolerable level if not completely gone. . .

Please pray with me that this doc will have ideas, suggestions, advice on where to go from here as this journey is becoming long, too long. . .

A Poweful Song

I saw this music video a while back and it made me ever so grateful for all that I have. For all that I have been given. Although I always dreamed things would be different, I am still a lucky lady! When I am feeling down, I will think of this song and it helps to put things into perspective. . . HE knows everything!

Here are the lyrics to the song:

Jenny was my best friend. Went away one summer. Came back with a secret She just couldn't keep. A child inside her, Was just too much for her So she cried herself to sleep. And she made a decision Some find hard to accept. To young to know that one day She might live to regret. But I would die for that. Just to have one chance To hold in my hands All that she had. I would die for that. I've been given so much, A husband that I love. So why do I feel incomplete? With every test and checkup We're told not to give up. He wonders if it's him. And I wonder if it's me. All I want is a family, Like everyone else I see. And I won't understand it If it's not meant to be. Cause I would die for that. Just to have one chance To hold in my hands All that they have. I would die for that. And I want to know what it's like To bring a dream to life. For that kind of love, What I'd give up! I would die for that. Sometimes it's hard to conceive, With all that I've got, And all I've achieved, What I want most Before my time is gone, Is to hear the words "I love you, Mom." I would die for that. Just to have once chance To hold in my hands What so many have I would die for that. And I want to know what it's like To bring a dream to life. How I would love What some give up. I would die ... I would die for that.

Wisdom

My younger sister recently put this on her blog and it has really made me stop and think. . .

The 5 Precepts of Reiki:

• I will let go of anger.

• I will let go of worry.

• I will give thanks for my many blessings.

• I will do my work honestly.

• I will be kind to every living thing.

The Many Emotions of a Hysterectomy. . .

• Grateful --> That I am not longer dealing with the multitude of issues that I was dealing with prior. The endometriosis, adenomyosis, and (right) ovarian cysts are forever gone. No more transfusions from as a result of a bad month. . .
  
• Sad --> That which my body used to give life, is no longer a part of me. It was discarded with the trash. . .
• Blessed --> That the doctors took the decision of the surgery out of my hands and scheduled it themselves. Otherwise, this would have never happened. And for my fabulous friend (*wink *wink) for without her help, this surgery would have been even harder. She took on the role of surrogate mommy and we are truly grateful . .
  
• Relieved --> That I came out of the surgery still feeling like a woman. Even though I am missing certain parts now, I am no less a woman than I was a few months ago. . .
• Frustrated --> That we are 15 weeks out from the surgery and I am still dealing with A LOT of pain. . . Albeit different pain than it was prior, pain is pain and it sucks!
• Surprise/Anger --> With all of the ups and downs that have come with this recovery. I thought my age was definitely a benefit, but it seems that it was instead a curse. . .
  
• Joy --> With how incredible my husband has been through all of this. Neither one of us saw this in our future when we said I do nearly 8 years ago. But, over the past 2 1/2 years, he has learned to just roll with things. To be okay with how things happen. . . I could not have made it through this without him! Thank you, my love for everything!
  

Helping or Hurting?

I have 2 chiropractor sessions under my belt, and the pain has not eased. At my appointment on Thursday, all he did was some stretching and the wonderful neuro stim. There was absolutely no manipulation in the nerve area or any of the surrounding structures as he did not want to cause any further pain. . .

I again left and as soon as I arrived home, I snuggled into my hubby's arm (you know that fabulous spot on their chest where they can wrap their arm around you and let you know that it will be okay?!?!?) and began to sob. They were tears of pain, frustration, agony, exhaustion, etc etc. I know that it has only been just over 3 months since my hysterectomy, but the drama began when I became pregnant 32(ish) months ago and we never expected to be where we are today. . .

So, as I sit here today, I hurt. I hurt worse then I did pre-chiro. Is that a good thing? A bad thing? Or does it mean absolutely nothing? I do not know, but I do know that I can not continue like this. . .

However, I do think that I have come to a conclusion and that is to seek that "second" opinion from the illioinguinal nerve specialist. Even my chiro says that he has never dealt with this nerve (GREAT!), so, hearing from a sub-specialist that we are on the right or wrong track is what I need. At this point, the primary pain docs have thrown their hands up unless I want to spend lots of money on a surgery that may not work and if it does will only provide 50% relief at best.

This Bettter Work!

I am just returning home from the chiropractor and let me tell you, I hurt! He, along with his assistant, pushed and manipulated the scar tissue until I could not bear it any longer. Then we went and did 'neuro stim' (think a TENS Unit with more power). That felt great and I loved all 25 minutes of being pain free, but as soon as they took it off, the pain returned. I was able to make it to the truck before the tears began from the pain. . .

Now, I am home and praying that this will be worth it in the end. I expected it to be intense, but not like this. My expectation was equivalent to the physical therapy I went through after all of the baby drama. That I could laugh through. Right now, I can not pretend to be okay even if I try as the pain is at that level. . .

I am honestly not sure how much more of this I can take. I am tired of hearing the docs say that I am not their average patient. I am tired of them saying they have no idea so go see this other doc. I just want to get this pain to a level that I can deal with. If I am meant to hurt forever, so be it. But, it needs to be at a level that I can tolerate. Not a level that is tearing me apart. . .

Tommorow's Hope. . .

Tomorrow I began the active release treatment from the chiropractor. Going into this, I am scared. I am scared that if I put all of my faith and hope into this appointment that it will not work. I am scared that this plain and simple will not work. I am scared that living with this pain is something that I am going to have to do from now on. I am scared because I am not sure how much longer I can pretend to be brave to everyone.

Over the years, I have learned to mask my emotions or physical ailments. To cover things up. To put on a nice smile and tell the world that I am great. That there is absolutely nothing wrong. It is a blessing when there are those times that I do not want anyone to know and it is a curse, when others do not understand the level of things because I have that 'I am great' smile that appears to be so real, even to those that know me best.

Right now, it is a curse. I want to let my guard down. To truly let in on to the level of pain that I am feeling. To truly let on what the reality of this is. BUT, I do not know how. I am trying to learn, but it is hard. Even the pain doctors tell me that I am tolerating this pain very well. Again, a blessing and a curse. . .

My prayer is, as hard as this is, for God's will. Whether it be for this to work or for us to take the next step of the illioinguinal nerve specialist. Either way, we will know within a few weeks. . .

Really?!?!?

I have been experiencing many things lately that leave me a little perplexed. . .

• My hair is falling out (Thank God I have curly hair so you can't really tell!)
  
• My nails are VERY brittle and breaking all the time
• One side of my belly is bigger than the other
• I keep getting these odd sores that will take forever to heal (One on my thigh right now that has been there for 3 weeks!)
• Oh, and the pimples! I feel like a teenager again!

I am not sure if it is just my body's shock from the surgery, menopausal symptoms, or just me!