Perspective

I have been thinking a lot lately about the difference between a 20 something who feels "not done" with her family versus an older, 50+ year old menopausal woman when facing a hysterectomy. . . The difference is night and day. Quality of life improves for both, but while one is raising grand kids, the other is watching her friends create and grow their families. . .

Obviously, the 'she' here is me and the other is my aunt. We both HAD to have our surgeries as there were no other options. She came home the next day and was sore for 2 days. I am 5 1/2 months out and sore does not describe the pain I still feel. She is moving on and hardly looking back at the surgery. I have good days, but have yet to have more than a few hours where I forget about this reality. The fact that her uterus is gone does not seem to bother her, yet it grieves me greatly. Even if it was never to house another life, I would still take great joy in knowing it was there. My uterus was the first home that all of my children knew. It cocooned them and cradled them. It brought forth new life.

This is all the difference in perspective that she and I have. Even my mother who thought this surgery might be in her future, was okay with the possibility and she is someone I NEVER thought would be okay with a hysterectomy. Again, the difference in knowing you are 'done' and not wanting to be done. . .

I think, however, that both of their perspectives have helped me see that this is okay. That having a hysterectomy is not the end of the world. That life goes on. That I am not less of a woman, daughter, wife, mother, sister than I was prior. . .

Que Sera, Sera

What A Small, Small World!

I am sitting in a little shock right now! For close to a year, I have been following this blog about a precious family*** whose seventh child was born with Trisomy 13. I have watched this blog and read all of her posts about losing her precious son just weeks after he entered this world. She frequently mentions her brother, Father Kevin, and I kept thinking that I know him - not only does his name sound familiar, but he looks familiar in the pictures. And the wheels kept turning and I kept trying to place him and yesterday I finally remembered how I know him (I will get to that shortly)!

Rewind to the summer of 2002. I was participating in Crossroads Pro-Life Walk. This particular summer, we walked through FL**, GA, AL, MS, and LA. We then bussed to Canada to participate in World Youth Day and see the Pope John Paul II. From there, we walked through NY and PA and ended in Washington DC at the steps of the Supreme Court. This was a witness to all life and when I say walk, I literally mean that we walked every single step - 23 hours a day someone was walking. On average each person walked about 20 miles a day, offering up everything for the unborn and praying for all to respect life.

When we were in GA, I was on the day shift with half of my team. It was the end of the day and were on some backroads with nothing around but the woods. . . enough said! This was June 26 because I remember waking up the next day and calling my little sister to wish her a Happy Birthday. Anyhow, that next day, I woke and my right calf was red and HURT. As the day went on, I felt worse and was not able to finish my shift (only 15:20 miles that day!). The weekend got closer and I deteriorated even more. We finally arrived in Savannah on Friday, June 28 where we were met by a priest. Our team leader had injured his foot and was talking with the Priest about where to get it looked at. The priest made arrangements with a local doctor to get him in, but unbeknown to me, he also made me an appointment. I tried to convince him that I was fine, that there was absolutely no need, but he insisted and you really can not say no to a priest (plus he was the Chaplain for the Fire Department and knew that whatever was going on did not look good!)! So, later that afternoon I was seen by a doctor. By this point I was running fever, my calf was even more tender and swollen. Things were getting worse. The doctor diagnosed me as being bitten by a Brown Recluse and gave me meds and strict instructions. I was also to call him on Monday with an update. I left there upset and frustrated as I was now not allowed to walk with my team. . .The priest took me to the pharmacy, filled my scripts, and bought me crutches. He then brought me to the place we were staying and made sure that I had everything I needed. He was absolutely incredible, meeting my every need. (The above picture was taken for a news article just before I went home ~ There was nothing that was going to make me stop!)

I ended up having to come home to MS and what was thought to be a brown recluse bite, turned out to be a copperhead bite! After 2 weeks inpatient, 2 surgeries to remove the necrosed tissue, and a stint in ICU, I was allowed to go home and continue recovering. The next week, I received the okay from all of my docs to surprise my team in Canada for World Youth Day! I had to stay in a wheelchair, but I was able to go and continue the journey to Washington, DC! I will NEVER forget getting out of the car in front of the bus that my team and little sister were in as they had NO idea that I was able to come. It was incredible and by far the best surprise I have ever pulled off! (The picture to the left was taken at the protestant hospital in Jackson, MS - All of us sang the rosary followed by the Ave Maria - Imagine their shock!)

Since this, I have often thought about that priest because if it were not for him, I would have never gone to the doctor. And for that, I might have never gotten help. That priest is the same priest that I have heard about for nearly a year from a family that I have never met, only known them through their blog. The Father Kevin I had been seeing in the blog, is the same Father Kevin that helped me! What a small world this is!!!!

**When we were in Jacksonville, FL, some friends of ours had a party for us. Attending this party was a young man. He took me and some fellow walkers to a local walmart to get a few things. This gentleman also took an interest in me! He would call me and write to me OFTEN! My co-walkers were insistent that he really liked me, but I was naive. Well, his persistence paid off because just 504 days later we married!

This picture was taken the day we left Florida - our first state line! Robert joined us in walking that day ~ I remember when he walked with Father and I ~ I walked ahead while Robert stayed back 100 yards or so with Father Weslin and they talked! Never would I have thought it would take us to where we are today!

***This family is now expecting their 8th child! They are an incredible witness to love, faith, and family. You can follow them on their other blog!

Still Processing. . .

Well, yesterday came and went and I had the appointment that I had waited 6 weeks for. I arrived on time for my appointment and 2 1/2 hours later I saw the doctor. He was an older man with a heavy accent. He listened to my history and performed his exam and then he told us what he thinks. . .

• The illioinguinal nerve is definitely involved, but the genitofemoral nerve is possibly involved as well.
• Nerve pain can be self limiting (3-5 years) or it can continue indefinitely.
• We have options: (1.) Old School Theory: Perform a series of 10 (or more) nerve blocks to attempt to break the cycle. This would involve going in every 1-2 weeks for a block. (2.) Perform a diagnostic nerve block and if it gives temporary relief, perform a Radiofrequency Ablation on the nerve(s) which will provide relief up to 6 months. (3.) Insert a Spinal Cord Stimulator to inhibit the transmission of pain from the nerve to my brain, an internal TENS Unit of sorts. This has been proven to work but is VERY invasive and incredibly expensive. And then there is the insurance part!
  

We decided to go with the second option as it the easiest and can provide relief quicker than option one and is less invasive than the third. I left there with very mixed feelings. . . I know that things will happen in the way that they are meant, but I am scared. I am human. I hurt. I am tired. We have a date scheduled for the diagnostic nerve block. . . DECEMBER 8. 2011 - 4 months away. That feels like an eternity, esp when my hysterectomy was 5 months ago. . .

So, while I do not have any doubts in this doctor, I am concerned with (a.) his timeliness and (b.) that it takes SO long to get in for a 5 minute procedure. One thing that I LOVED was that he did not even try to give me a prescription for narcotics. The docs that I have see thus far have and that is not what I want. . . "Fix" one problem, yet create another. . .

While I am disappointed that he does not have a quick fix, I am confidant that we are doing what is best and hopefully following His will in the process. Like my Granny always said, "Lord, I'll make the motions, YOU do the work!"

"Let nothing perturb you, nothing frighten you. All things pass. God does not change. Patience achieves everything."
~Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta

When You Wish Upon A Star

. . . Or a candle!

Little Robert has taken to making wishes lately. He accomplishes this by blowing out a candle, but he whispers his wish, barely audible, prior to blowing out the candle. For the past few days, he will 'make his wish' and then ask me if my tummy is feeling better. . . I say 'hmmmm, why yes it is!' And then he informs me that is his wish!

I have also caught him in a quiet room saying "Dear God, please help mommy's tummy feel better. I want her to not hurt."

Oh geez, here come the tears again! I just love him and while I can get so upset with his choices and behavior, it is times like these where I thank God for him and realize that I must be doing something right!

Mommy Guilt

I have a serious case of this lately. I know that all mommies (and daddies) go through this and that, like all things, this too shall pass, but right now, GEEZ!

A lot of it has to do with my surgery and the subsequent nerve issue which inhibits so much. (I do not think that I have ever fully described the illioinguinal neuralgia, so here is a brief description: it is a nerve that runs through your pelvis and into your groin. When it is irritated/inflamed/trapped it hurts. Mine feels like deep, sharp, intense pains running from my hip bone into my groin.) Somedays, I can hardly walk. . . I have no idea how Monday happened! I want so badly to be able to walk around the block with my kiddos, ride bikes, play ball, do things that we did just 5 months ago. . . Hopefully this Monday's appointment will hold some answers.

Another area of of mommy guilt is the stress. There is just so much going on and so much that I feel is going wrong and I want it to go right! There are not enough me's to get everything done and take care of everyone's needs. . . I am still leaning heavily on Sts. Cosmos and Damian and St. Gianna, and not just for me, but for all struggling right now.

I am always hard on myself. . . my husband will completely agree with this! I want to be a better mommy. A mommy that does not get frustrated. A mommy that keeps her cool regardless of the situation. I want to be the best mommy that I can be for my children all of the time and not just some of the time. . .

One area that has improved greatly since the surgery is appreciating every moment with my kiddos. I have never been able to fully appreciate this stage of their development because I always had a nursing, needy newborn to tend to in addition to their needs. . . and when it came down to it, the baby of the day always won! So, now, I do not have a baby. I do not have any excuse. I do not 'work.' I have no reason not to enjoy every moment, good or bad, and thank God for the memories that we are making.

Slowly, I am learning how to be a better mommy. Learning how to keep my cool regardless. Learning how to just let things go. . .But it does not help with this current bout of mommy guilt. . .

I Wonder. . .

. . . when the day will come when I stop counting everyday, every week, every month since my surgery. It is the first think on my mind when I wake up, and the last thing before I fall asleep. There are minutes, sometimes even hours, when the reality is not staring me in the face, but then there are times where no matter what I do, I can not get it out. . .

On Monday, I was having one of those days. I needed to forget. I tried to forget. I wanted to forget. But I could not. The more I wanted to forget, the more I was remembering. Finally, I laced up my running shoes and took the kiddos to a nearby track and went for it. It was incredible. The wind in my face. The sun on my back. The adrenaline. The rush. Then when I could not run any more, I started to remember again. I started to cry and wish that I could forget and that is when I saw the bleachers. Oh, did it feel good to run them and when I could no longer run them, the only thing I could think about was how much I hurt! My legs ached and my belly hurt. But I succeeded. I forgot for most of the day, but mostly because I was hurting so greatly the rest of the day. . . but I asked for it!

I want more days like that, but I do not want to have to hurt to achieve them. I want to move on. I want to keep going. I can not tell you off the top of my head how many days it has been, but I can tell you the months (5) and weeks (22 tomorrow). I am making progress. Once again the motto, slow and steady wins the race. . .

5 months. . .

It is hard to believe that it has been 5 months since my hysterectomy. It has been 5 months of trust, faith, hardship, sorrow, joy, and so many other emotions that I did not expect. . .

Here is a recap of all that has happened:

• Thursday, March 3, 2011 @ 0730: my surgery
• Saturday, March 5, 2011: I received my first ever blood transfusion, but not because of the surgery. . .
  
• Tuesday, March 8, 2011 @ 1800: I come home. . . only 4 days late!
• Monday, March 14, 2011: My First 'Bad' Day where I learned that I was not ready for anything!
• Thursday, March 17: 2 weeks post-op and I finished my Lovenox Injections!
• Wednesday, March 23: Seriously, I can't pee!?!?!?
• Friday, March 25: Meet with the urologist and am drilled about why I had to have a hysterectomy at 28. . . a very hard/emotional day and I still have a catheter. . .
• Saturday, March 26: I CAN PEE!!!!!!
• Tuesday, March 29: BIG Slide in the wrong direction. . .
• Wednesday, March 30: 4 Weeks Post-Op doctor appointment. . .
• Friday, April 1: 3 simple letters --- PMS!
• Monday, April 4: A few complications, but I got the okay to travel to MS for my sister's wedding!
• Tuesday, April 12: Back to the urologist because I am having trouble peeing again. . .
• Wednesday, April 13: 6 weeks out and back to pajamas. . .
• Monday, April 18: The pain was increasing with any and all activity. . . Really wondering if this will ever end. . .
• Saturday, April 23: Oh, the crying just does not stop!
• Tuesday, April 26: The ever so dreaded 'are you pregnant?'
• Saturday, April 30: GEEZ ~ My hormones are worse now then they were during pregnancy!
• Sunday, May 1: I was diagnosed with Illioinguinal Neurologia and underwent a nerve block. . . it helped. . .for a bit!
  
• Tuesday, May 3: 2 months out. . . WOW. . . I never thought this day would come!
• Monday, May 16: Intense pain and bleeding send me to the ER. After a few hours, I was sent home on 'bed rest'
• Tuesday, May 24: 12 weeks out. . . plus a list of "I wish I had known's"
• Tuesday, May 31: 3 months out. . . there is no way I could have made it this far without my husband and best friend. . .
• Tuesday, June 7: My first visit with the chiropractor. . . and it hurt!
• Monday, June 20: I made an appointment with a top notch pain med doc. . . August 8 will not be here soon enough. . . AND, I want to teach NFP!!!
  
• Friday, June 24: The chiropractor was causing more pain then comfort, so the mutual decision was made to stop going. . . very mixed emotions to this. . .
• Thursday, July 28: One year ago today, I had the first *serious* conversation about a hysterectomy. . .
• Wednesday, August 3: Well, 5 months ago today I lost a part of me. 5 months ago today, I forever changed. 5 months ago today, I said farewell to the first bed that all of my children have ever known. 5 months ago today, I became a stronger woman. A stronger mother. A stronger wife. 5 months ago. . .

I never thought that this journey would be what it has become. I thought that I had my age in my favor, that this would be a simple surgery and then a simple recovery, but like everything else that has occurred these past 2 years, I was wrong. But in the process of everything falling apart, I have learned and grown SO much. I have rekindled old friendships and made new ones. I have redefined my role as wife and mom, sister and daughter. These past 5 months have been hard, but if I had to do it again, I would not change anything. . .

I did it . . .

It is official. My siblings warned me of it. It has happened. I am turning into my mother. . . and it is not too bad afterall!!!!!

Example number one: I cry at Mass. Almost every Sunday (or Saturday), after communion, the tears begin! Last night was no different except that they were more like sobs! It started as I was carrying the baby as we walked back to our pew as a family after receiving Jesus. All 5 of us were kneeling saying our prayers. I had already started crying when my husband whispers something in my ear and the full on sobs begin. What he said? Nothing that would justify sobs, but it happened no less! Then, Mr Richard, our wonderful seminarian, gave a little speech because he was leaving to go back to the seminary and finish his studies to become a priest. . . Again, more sobs! And with every hug or kiss from my kiddos, they only got worse!

Example number two: Breastfeeding. Man, I could not advocate more for it. In fact, this is World Breastfeeding Week and I have even shed tears over the fact that I am not able to participate this year. . . I almost think that I am turning into a breastfeeding Nazi of sorts! I have even found myself looking up how to become IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) certified. Right now, it is too much with the homeschooling and my issues, but one day!

Example number three: I am taking steps to teach NFP. I mentioned this in an earlier post, but have now officially made all of the contacts and am just waiting on the funding to take the courses. I am SO excited about this one!

Example number four: My love of family, faith, and fertility. I am now beginning to understand some of the why's behind the way my mom did things.

So, I guess, I should say thanks to my mom for all that she taught me. . . and apologize for all of those times that I swore I would not be like her, because in the end, it is not that bad! (And, Ps. I love you!)

(Me and my mama at my sisters wedding ~ April 9, 2011)