When You Wish Upon A Star

. . . Or a candle!

Little Robert has taken to making wishes lately. He accomplishes this by blowing out a candle, but he whispers his wish, barely audible, prior to blowing out the candle. For the past few days, he will 'make his wish' and then ask me if my tummy is feeling better. . . I say 'hmmmm, why yes it is!' And then he informs me that is his wish!

I have also caught him in a quiet room saying "Dear God, please help mommy's tummy feel better. I want her to not hurt."

Oh geez, here come the tears again! I just love him and while I can get so upset with his choices and behavior, it is times like these where I thank God for him and realize that I must be doing something right!

Mommy Guilt

I have a serious case of this lately. I know that all mommies (and daddies) go through this and that, like all things, this too shall pass, but right now, GEEZ!

A lot of it has to do with my surgery and the subsequent nerve issue which inhibits so much. (I do not think that I have ever fully described the illioinguinal neuralgia, so here is a brief description: it is a nerve that runs through your pelvis and into your groin. When it is irritated/inflamed/trapped it hurts. Mine feels like deep, sharp, intense pains running from my hip bone into my groin.) Somedays, I can hardly walk. . . I have no idea how Monday happened! I want so badly to be able to walk around the block with my kiddos, ride bikes, play ball, do things that we did just 5 months ago. . . Hopefully this Monday's appointment will hold some answers.

Another area of of mommy guilt is the stress. There is just so much going on and so much that I feel is going wrong and I want it to go right! There are not enough me's to get everything done and take care of everyone's needs. . . I am still leaning heavily on Sts. Cosmos and Damian and St. Gianna, and not just for me, but for all struggling right now.

I am always hard on myself. . . my husband will completely agree with this! I want to be a better mommy. A mommy that does not get frustrated. A mommy that keeps her cool regardless of the situation. I want to be the best mommy that I can be for my children all of the time and not just some of the time. . .

One area that has improved greatly since the surgery is appreciating every moment with my kiddos. I have never been able to fully appreciate this stage of their development because I always had a nursing, needy newborn to tend to in addition to their needs. . . and when it came down to it, the baby of the day always won! So, now, I do not have a baby. I do not have any excuse. I do not 'work.' I have no reason not to enjoy every moment, good or bad, and thank God for the memories that we are making.

Slowly, I am learning how to be a better mommy. Learning how to keep my cool regardless. Learning how to just let things go. . .But it does not help with this current bout of mommy guilt. . .

I Wonder. . .

. . . when the day will come when I stop counting everyday, every week, every month since my surgery. It is the first think on my mind when I wake up, and the last thing before I fall asleep. There are minutes, sometimes even hours, when the reality is not staring me in the face, but then there are times where no matter what I do, I can not get it out. . .

On Monday, I was having one of those days. I needed to forget. I tried to forget. I wanted to forget. But I could not. The more I wanted to forget, the more I was remembering. Finally, I laced up my running shoes and took the kiddos to a nearby track and went for it. It was incredible. The wind in my face. The sun on my back. The adrenaline. The rush. Then when I could not run any more, I started to remember again. I started to cry and wish that I could forget and that is when I saw the bleachers. Oh, did it feel good to run them and when I could no longer run them, the only thing I could think about was how much I hurt! My legs ached and my belly hurt. But I succeeded. I forgot for most of the day, but mostly because I was hurting so greatly the rest of the day. . . but I asked for it!

I want more days like that, but I do not want to have to hurt to achieve them. I want to move on. I want to keep going. I can not tell you off the top of my head how many days it has been, but I can tell you the months (5) and weeks (22 tomorrow). I am making progress. Once again the motto, slow and steady wins the race. . .

5 months. . .

It is hard to believe that it has been 5 months since my hysterectomy. It has been 5 months of trust, faith, hardship, sorrow, joy, and so many other emotions that I did not expect. . .

Here is a recap of all that has happened:

• Thursday, March 3, 2011 @ 0730: my surgery
• Saturday, March 5, 2011: I received my first ever blood transfusion, but not because of the surgery. . .
  
• Tuesday, March 8, 2011 @ 1800: I come home. . . only 4 days late!
• Monday, March 14, 2011: My First 'Bad' Day where I learned that I was not ready for anything!
• Thursday, March 17: 2 weeks post-op and I finished my Lovenox Injections!
• Wednesday, March 23: Seriously, I can't pee!?!?!?
• Friday, March 25: Meet with the urologist and am drilled about why I had to have a hysterectomy at 28. . . a very hard/emotional day and I still have a catheter. . .
• Saturday, March 26: I CAN PEE!!!!!!
• Tuesday, March 29: BIG Slide in the wrong direction. . .
• Wednesday, March 30: 4 Weeks Post-Op doctor appointment. . .
• Friday, April 1: 3 simple letters --- PMS!
• Monday, April 4: A few complications, but I got the okay to travel to MS for my sister's wedding!
• Tuesday, April 12: Back to the urologist because I am having trouble peeing again. . .
• Wednesday, April 13: 6 weeks out and back to pajamas. . .
• Monday, April 18: The pain was increasing with any and all activity. . . Really wondering if this will ever end. . .
• Saturday, April 23: Oh, the crying just does not stop!
• Tuesday, April 26: The ever so dreaded 'are you pregnant?'
• Saturday, April 30: GEEZ ~ My hormones are worse now then they were during pregnancy!
• Sunday, May 1: I was diagnosed with Illioinguinal Neurologia and underwent a nerve block. . . it helped. . .for a bit!
  
• Tuesday, May 3: 2 months out. . . WOW. . . I never thought this day would come!
• Monday, May 16: Intense pain and bleeding send me to the ER. After a few hours, I was sent home on 'bed rest'
• Tuesday, May 24: 12 weeks out. . . plus a list of "I wish I had known's"
• Tuesday, May 31: 3 months out. . . there is no way I could have made it this far without my husband and best friend. . .
• Tuesday, June 7: My first visit with the chiropractor. . . and it hurt!
• Monday, June 20: I made an appointment with a top notch pain med doc. . . August 8 will not be here soon enough. . . AND, I want to teach NFP!!!
  
• Friday, June 24: The chiropractor was causing more pain then comfort, so the mutual decision was made to stop going. . . very mixed emotions to this. . .
• Thursday, July 28: One year ago today, I had the first *serious* conversation about a hysterectomy. . .
• Wednesday, August 3: Well, 5 months ago today I lost a part of me. 5 months ago today, I forever changed. 5 months ago today, I said farewell to the first bed that all of my children have ever known. 5 months ago today, I became a stronger woman. A stronger mother. A stronger wife. 5 months ago. . .

I never thought that this journey would be what it has become. I thought that I had my age in my favor, that this would be a simple surgery and then a simple recovery, but like everything else that has occurred these past 2 years, I was wrong. But in the process of everything falling apart, I have learned and grown SO much. I have rekindled old friendships and made new ones. I have redefined my role as wife and mom, sister and daughter. These past 5 months have been hard, but if I had to do it again, I would not change anything. . .

I did it . . .

It is official. My siblings warned me of it. It has happened. I am turning into my mother. . . and it is not too bad afterall!!!!!

Example number one: I cry at Mass. Almost every Sunday (or Saturday), after communion, the tears begin! Last night was no different except that they were more like sobs! It started as I was carrying the baby as we walked back to our pew as a family after receiving Jesus. All 5 of us were kneeling saying our prayers. I had already started crying when my husband whispers something in my ear and the full on sobs begin. What he said? Nothing that would justify sobs, but it happened no less! Then, Mr Richard, our wonderful seminarian, gave a little speech because he was leaving to go back to the seminary and finish his studies to become a priest. . . Again, more sobs! And with every hug or kiss from my kiddos, they only got worse!

Example number two: Breastfeeding. Man, I could not advocate more for it. In fact, this is World Breastfeeding Week and I have even shed tears over the fact that I am not able to participate this year. . . I almost think that I am turning into a breastfeeding Nazi of sorts! I have even found myself looking up how to become IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) certified. Right now, it is too much with the homeschooling and my issues, but one day!

Example number three: I am taking steps to teach NFP. I mentioned this in an earlier post, but have now officially made all of the contacts and am just waiting on the funding to take the courses. I am SO excited about this one!

Example number four: My love of family, faith, and fertility. I am now beginning to understand some of the why's behind the way my mom did things.

So, I guess, I should say thanks to my mom for all that she taught me. . . and apologize for all of those times that I swore I would not be like her, because in the end, it is not that bad! (And, Ps. I love you!)

(Me and my mama at my sisters wedding ~ April 9, 2011)