3 Years Later

I happened to look at things tonight and realized I have not updated since March 3, 2012 - the 1yr mark of the surgery...

Since then, a lot has happened...
(1) I am more at peace with my body. Knowing I will never have another baby stinks, but it is not the end of the world. My older sister just gave birth to their first 2.5mths ago. I was sad because I always wanted to be pregnant with my sisters (my plan, NOT His), but that was it. The rest was pure joy!
(2) The pain is still present. I have been to doctors, had nerve blocks, tried nerve meds, etc, all to no avail. Recently, I visited with many specialists and sub-specialists at Mayo Clinic here in Jacksonville. All agreed that my pain is a direct result of the hernia repair and some trauma during the  hysterectomy.
(3) I have been able to help many other young people who needed to go through this. With that, I have made many friends and felt like I was able to help and support them from a young persons point of view.
(4) I never realized that your uterus supports your lower internal organs. Without it, you can develop different 'celes.' I have a grade 2 cystocele and a grade 3 rectocele. These can be corrected through surgery, but until I can't take it anymore, I will make the most of it and live with it!
(5) My husband and kiddos are incredible. There have been hard times over these past 3 years, but we have always been there for me. I could not ask for anything better!

This is about it. Issues still remain, but I am constantly reminded it is His plan and not mine!

1 Year Later

It has taken me quite a while to be 'okay' writing this...

I recall before the surgery having so much anxiety and fear that I would wake up and no longer feel like a woman, instead, I woke crying. Knowing that this was over and done. I remember praying that this surgery would be perfect, that there would be no complications during or after. And then as one night inpatient turned into two, and two into three, and so on, I realized that, once again this was not the case. Then as a few weeks of pain turned into a month, and that turned into 6 months, and that turned into a year, I am realizing that once again, things have not gone as planned. Before this surgery, I swore that I would NOT not return to the OR again. Well, go figure that once again, this was a false reality. And then about 6 months out, I realized that the endometriosis was back and this was confirmed during the surgery in December... So, I think that this one year mark has been hard because when I look back, nothing has gone as planned...

Now, there are many things that I am grateful for. The first being the most obvious about having a hysterectomy. Then, the cramping is minimal now. The cystic ovary is still present, but that is even milder. And there are others that I will not mention on here.... So, while things have not gone as planned, the good far outweighs the bad and I have to often remind myself of this when I am laying in bed from the pain. Or not able to take the kiddos around the block because the thought of putting one foot in front of the other brings tears to my eyes. And the blessing is that I have a great team of doctors on my side trying to figure out what the next step should be....

I have also found many blessings in this. I have been able to help a few other young women who have needed this drastic surgery. Shortly after mine, my aunt needed a hysterectomy and called upon me for questions. And for me, being able to help people have helped me deal with this and cope.

While this past year has been so very different than I imagined, I am grateful. I am trying to hold my head high and trust that God is using me in some unknown way to serve Him through this. . .

In my last post, I was VERY discouraged. I was at a point of hopelessness. The one thing that I had prayed for and hoped for was, in combination with another medicine, causing adverse side effects. I was completely beyond myself, feeling like everything was crashing down on me. The tears were flowing most of the night. I needed to be alone as I did not want the kiddos or my devoted spouse to see me THIS upset, but once you become a mom, there is no such thing as alone time or privacy. . . and maybe that night, that was a good thing. . .

After talking with the doc, it was decided to take one Lyrica only at night. I began this immediately and at first it helped. Then after a week, the swelling came back and this time, it was MUCH worse than before. I immediately went up the road to have my blood pressure checked (103/68) to make sure that was not the culprit, and it obviously, was not. So, I once again called the doc, but this time I not only called my pain management doc, but also my primary. Pain Management doc wanted me to come in the next morning, and while I was grateful that he did not think I needed to be seen right then, I was scared. My ankles were HUGE. I could not slide my feet into shoes, they were that huge. It was ridiculous.

So, since I was not comfortable, and I am persistent, I knew how to get in touch with my primary when I need to, and I took full advantage of it! I am grateful that I did, as he was able to connect the dots and tell me that it was the COMBO of 2 of my meds that were causing this. He said that although it was not dangerous, that I needed to stop the Lyrica. . .Not what I wanted to hear. It was stopped and within about a week, the swelling was nearly all gone. I still have some residual that just is not wanting to go away, but for the most part, it is resolved. To say that I feel defeated is an understatement. I wanted this to work. I want to be free of this. But, I guess I just need to be patient and trust that this is His will for now. . .

ANOTHER Opinion. . .

Well, after 2 weeks of incredible pain, speaking to my doctor, discerning with my spouse, and praying for wisdom, I decided to call yet another doctor that come recommended by not only our doctor but one of Robert's co-workers. I was expecting to be told that they do not have any appts for ___ weeks, but sure enough, they had a cancellation at the location that is the most convenient for us. So, we took it. . .

Tomorrow at 2, I go to this doctor. I pray for wisdom and guidance. For knowledge and strength. I need relief. . . desperately. I am beyond tired of feeling somewhat better, and doing something ever so little and paying for it for days, or like this 'flare' lasting weeks. When I agreed to the hysterectomy that took place nearly 7 months ago, it was the final resort. I so badly want to go back in time and say NO and not let them do it, but I know that will never happen. I just desperately want for this chapter to end. . .

This appointment tomorrow has me full of anxiety. I am scared and I am weary. I am trying to trust with all that I can that this is His will. I am trying to put all of my anxiety and fear into His hands. I am trying to lean on my faith and know that He knows all of this. He knows when this will end. He knows what the outcome of tomorrow will be. He knows this and I know that He will give me the strength, but I am scared. I am human. . .

6 Months Out

I just went through and re-read most everything from the past 6 months and beyond and to be honest, I am feeling quite overwhelmed. So much has changed in all aspects of life. I can not say whether it is for better or for worse, but it is all in what He planned for me, for my family. . . And that is one reality that I am holding onto. . .

• My relationship with my husband is stronger than it has ever been. Times of stress can either help or hurt, and in our case, it has helped. When I am at my weakest points, he will stand there and hold my hand. Wipe my tears. Comfort me.
• From a surgical standpoint, I am healed. The docs say that the standar rule is 6 months post op for life to become more 'normal.' While I would not agree with the normal part, I would agree that the surgical healing is complete.
• My hormones are finally starting to figure themselves out. I think the quasi-menopausal symptoms I was having have nearly all stopped.
• I still get very tired very easily and my immune system is not what it was prior, but I think that is just because my body is tired.
• My belly will occasionally swell still, especially after a day where I have done a lot.
• The nerve(s). Oh how I wish this would just go away. They have been really bothersome lately. Lots and lots of pain from them. I return to the doc in November for the "test" block and I am praying that it works so we can move onto the RFA - or even better, that this all settles before that point and none of it is needed.
• I have made all of the contacts needed to teach NFP and I am just waiting on the money from the diocese to take the classes.

This is not what I expected last February when the doc told me this had to happen. This is not what I ever saw in my future. But this is what we have been handed. There is so much to be thankful for. So much that He has already blessed me with. So much that I am undeserving of.

Thank you for all of the love, support, encouragement, and prayers. This journey has been tough and is not quite over, but is definitely doable compared to what others deal with. . .

What A Small, Small World!

I am sitting in a little shock right now! For close to a year, I have been following this blog about a precious family*** whose seventh child was born with Trisomy 13. I have watched this blog and read all of her posts about losing her precious son just weeks after he entered this world. She frequently mentions her brother, Father Kevin, and I kept thinking that I know him - not only does his name sound familiar, but he looks familiar in the pictures. And the wheels kept turning and I kept trying to place him and yesterday I finally remembered how I know him (I will get to that shortly)!

Rewind to the summer of 2002. I was participating in Crossroads Pro-Life Walk. This particular summer, we walked through FL**, GA, AL, MS, and LA. We then bussed to Canada to participate in World Youth Day and see the Pope John Paul II. From there, we walked through NY and PA and ended in Washington DC at the steps of the Supreme Court. This was a witness to all life and when I say walk, I literally mean that we walked every single step - 23 hours a day someone was walking. On average each person walked about 20 miles a day, offering up everything for the unborn and praying for all to respect life.

When we were in GA, I was on the day shift with half of my team. It was the end of the day and were on some backroads with nothing around but the woods. . . enough said! This was June 26 because I remember waking up the next day and calling my little sister to wish her a Happy Birthday. Anyhow, that next day, I woke and my right calf was red and HURT. As the day went on, I felt worse and was not able to finish my shift (only 15:20 miles that day!). The weekend got closer and I deteriorated even more. We finally arrived in Savannah on Friday, June 28 where we were met by a priest. Our team leader had injured his foot and was talking with the Priest about where to get it looked at. The priest made arrangements with a local doctor to get him in, but unbeknown to me, he also made me an appointment. I tried to convince him that I was fine, that there was absolutely no need, but he insisted and you really can not say no to a priest (plus he was the Chaplain for the Fire Department and knew that whatever was going on did not look good!)! So, later that afternoon I was seen by a doctor. By this point I was running fever, my calf was even more tender and swollen. Things were getting worse. The doctor diagnosed me as being bitten by a Brown Recluse and gave me meds and strict instructions. I was also to call him on Monday with an update. I left there upset and frustrated as I was now not allowed to walk with my team. . .The priest took me to the pharmacy, filled my scripts, and bought me crutches. He then brought me to the place we were staying and made sure that I had everything I needed. He was absolutely incredible, meeting my every need. (The above picture was taken for a news article just before I went home ~ There was nothing that was going to make me stop!)

I ended up having to come home to MS and what was thought to be a brown recluse bite, turned out to be a copperhead bite! After 2 weeks inpatient, 2 surgeries to remove the necrosed tissue, and a stint in ICU, I was allowed to go home and continue recovering. The next week, I received the okay from all of my docs to surprise my team in Canada for World Youth Day! I had to stay in a wheelchair, but I was able to go and continue the journey to Washington, DC! I will NEVER forget getting out of the car in front of the bus that my team and little sister were in as they had NO idea that I was able to come. It was incredible and by far the best surprise I have ever pulled off! (The picture to the left was taken at the protestant hospital in Jackson, MS - All of us sang the rosary followed by the Ave Maria - Imagine their shock!)

Since this, I have often thought about that priest because if it were not for him, I would have never gone to the doctor. And for that, I might have never gotten help. That priest is the same priest that I have heard about for nearly a year from a family that I have never met, only known them through their blog. The Father Kevin I had been seeing in the blog, is the same Father Kevin that helped me! What a small world this is!!!!

**When we were in Jacksonville, FL, some friends of ours had a party for us. Attending this party was a young man. He took me and some fellow walkers to a local walmart to get a few things. This gentleman also took an interest in me! He would call me and write to me OFTEN! My co-walkers were insistent that he really liked me, but I was naive. Well, his persistence paid off because just 504 days later we married!

This picture was taken the day we left Florida - our first state line! Robert joined us in walking that day ~ I remember when he walked with Father and I ~ I walked ahead while Robert stayed back 100 yards or so with Father Weslin and they talked! Never would I have thought it would take us to where we are today!

***This family is now expecting their 8th child! They are an incredible witness to love, faith, and family. You can follow them on their other blog!

Still Processing. . .

Well, yesterday came and went and I had the appointment that I had waited 6 weeks for. I arrived on time for my appointment and 2 1/2 hours later I saw the doctor. He was an older man with a heavy accent. He listened to my history and performed his exam and then he told us what he thinks. . .

• The illioinguinal nerve is definitely involved, but the genitofemoral nerve is possibly involved as well.
• Nerve pain can be self limiting (3-5 years) or it can continue indefinitely.
• We have options: (1.) Old School Theory: Perform a series of 10 (or more) nerve blocks to attempt to break the cycle. This would involve going in every 1-2 weeks for a block. (2.) Perform a diagnostic nerve block and if it gives temporary relief, perform a Radiofrequency Ablation on the nerve(s) which will provide relief up to 6 months. (3.) Insert a Spinal Cord Stimulator to inhibit the transmission of pain from the nerve to my brain, an internal TENS Unit of sorts. This has been proven to work but is VERY invasive and incredibly expensive. And then there is the insurance part!
  

We decided to go with the second option as it the easiest and can provide relief quicker than option one and is less invasive than the third. I left there with very mixed feelings. . . I know that things will happen in the way that they are meant, but I am scared. I am human. I hurt. I am tired. We have a date scheduled for the diagnostic nerve block. . . DECEMBER 8. 2011 - 4 months away. That feels like an eternity, esp when my hysterectomy was 5 months ago. . .

So, while I do not have any doubts in this doctor, I am concerned with (a.) his timeliness and (b.) that it takes SO long to get in for a 5 minute procedure. One thing that I LOVED was that he did not even try to give me a prescription for narcotics. The docs that I have see thus far have and that is not what I want. . . "Fix" one problem, yet create another. . .

While I am disappointed that he does not have a quick fix, I am confidant that we are doing what is best and hopefully following His will in the process. Like my Granny always said, "Lord, I'll make the motions, YOU do the work!"

"Let nothing perturb you, nothing frighten you. All things pass. God does not change. Patience achieves everything."
~Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta

A Life of It's Own

Growing up, I was the one that was going to be like the old woman that lives in a shoe. I wanted to have a HUGE family. I love the chaos and fun. I love the relationships formed between siblings. I love it all. Having 'just' 3 was never what I thought would be in my plan. . . His plan for me. . .

No, I am not taking for granted what I have. I am blessed beyond words with these three and I have said that many times, I just never thought that this was His plan for me. After talking with many, it is an absolute miracle that I was able to conceive these precious babies as there are so many that can not. Please understand, that I am not in any way ungrateful for what I have been given. Or that for one minute I take this for granted. . .

When The docs first mentioned a hysterectomy, during my 3rd emergency c-section in March of 2009, I was shocked. We had already been told the risks of becoming pregnant again, that it would most likely be my life, the babies life, or both. But a hysterectomy? Things settled for a bit and then, at 12 1/2 months, the baby weaned and things progressively became worse. . .

By the summer/fall, I had surgeries to remove some endometriosis, polyps, and cysts. This worked for a month, and then things became unbearable. I was sent from surgeon to surgeon when I finally ended up with one that said my only hope what a total hysterectomy. I begged for another option. I sought out other opinions. Everybody and everything kept coming back to him. At the appointment where it was scheduled, I was sobbing. He looked at me and told me that this was his decision. That I have lost all say in this. This made me feel better, but I still felt like part of me was dying. . .

I looked far and wide for a twenty-something who had been through this, but could find no one. The youngest I found was mid thirties. . . I am 28. . . I wanted to know what it was like. How their recovery was. Why they had one. So many questions and so little answers. This was one of the hardest things. . . the feeling of isolation. . .

That is why I stated this blog. I wanted to give other young twenty-somethings hope. I wanted to let them know that they are not alone. I want them to know that if nothing else I care. I truly, deeply care. . . .

As the days have turned into weeks, and the weeks into months, this blog has turned into a great outlet for me as well. A way to share my feelings. My emotions. My struggles. My battles, both internal and external. My dreams. My prayers. A way to share it all. As the time continues, I have thought about stopping, but I enjoy this. I enjoy putting this out there. I enjoy not holding things inside. I enjoy this outlet. . .

So, this blog is going to incorporate all things feminine now. I will share being a mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend. I will share myself. I will continue to share my recovery, but there will be more as I have enjoyed this far more than I ever imagined.

So, thank you to all that have encouraged me along this tough road. This road that I never though I would travel. . .

Part of the WHY?!?!?

Well, I did it! After a lot of prayer, discernment, talking to my husband, etc etc, I made that first initial contact. I sent an email to a lady at BOMA. This is the Billings Ovulation Method of America, which is a form of Natural Family Planning. I grew up knowing and learning this method. When we moved out of MS, I could not find an instructor, so I learned the Creighton Model, which is very similar but uses scientific terms instead of your own. While I was satisfied and confident in my knowledge of Creighton, I preferred the simplicity of the BOM.

Since the surgery, I have wanted to help others understand and cherish their fertility. To not take it for granted and to treat it with the respect that it deserves. Our fertility is a gift from God and for so many, that is not understood. I also think, that this might be where parts of my dream may be coming from.

So, late this afternoon, I sat down at the computer to send an email and in my inbox was a sweet note from one of the directors! She told me what to do to become a teacher and be properly 'trained' in how to teach the method. Unfortunately, there is a training session at the end of July, but I do not see myself making that as I am still dealing with too much pain for that kind of travel. . . But disheartened I am not. I am SO excited and prayerful that this is part of HIS will for me!

Another Month. . .

As May ends and June begins, I am filled with many different and varying emotions. This journey has had so many twists and turns and ups and downs that were never expected. There are a few things that I hold onto, and even though my emotions are all over the place, I know the following to be true:

• That God knows all of this. He, and only He, knows when the nerve pain will end. He knew that a total hysterectomy would happen when I was only 28. He knew all of the complications that would occur.
• That my husband will stand by my side. That our vows of in better and worse, in sickness and in health would truly be put to the test these past 27 months. And although this can and does put a strain on us, we are learning to work through it and, praise God, we are coming out stronger than ever!
• That my faith and trust would falter. That I would question the why behind it all. That I would feel anger and resentment for the path that was chosen for me. But in the end, God will help me see the light and those feelings do not last for long.
  
• That my heart would ache one minute and be glad the next. And not glad in regards to my infertility, but glad that I am no longer plagued with all of the other issues that were present just 3 short months ago.
• That my need/desire to help other women appreciate the gift of their fertility would become a priority.
• That nothing will go as planned.
  

In all, it has been a trying 3 months, with this month being one of finding answers to the problems. Trying to figure out what is causing the pain and then creating the solution. Next month, we will begin the chiropractic care in hopes that it will help with the nerve pain and break up the scar tissue. So, onward we go in the hope to find answers. . .

(Me and the kiddos!)

Support System. . . (VENT)

I wrote a post a while back about how I felt my support system that had been surrounding me was crumbling. It took time, but it was rebuilt, although not nearly as strong. I am not sure what is happening, but once again, my extended support system, is falling apart. Those that would listen as I cried are not there. Those that knew how hard this is emotionally and physically are not there anymore. As a result, I am left wondering what I did wrong. What happened that made them leave me. What was it that made them silently turn their backs. I know that this journey is hard and long, and I am sure that makes those that were once so close not want to wait around anymore, but I need them and I am not sure how to make them see this anymore. This short race has turned into a marathon, but I still need encouragement to make it to the finish line. .

Then there are those that know how to hurt me to the core. Those that make comments that make me want to curl into the fetal position and sob. Those that have absolutely no idea how badly I need reassurance that things will go back to the way they were and that this will not be my new normal, my families new normal. . .

Spiritually, I am feeling much better. I know that the why behind this will come around. I know that there is a reason for this. Even in the middle of the night when the pain awakens me from a dead sleep and brings me to tears from the severity, I can feel HIM holding me and whispering that I will get through this. In my moments of great need, when all is quiet and still, HE is there. That has done me great good. Every night as my husband, kiddos, and I settle for our family rosary, the children's special intention is for mommy's tummy. That mommy will not need another operation. Then when bedtime arrives, they not only give me hugs and kisses, but they will kiss my belly boo-boo too!

Just like before, I know that this support system will be rebuilt. I know that it is not a matter of if, rather when. With time, the hurt will fade. With time all of this will be but a distant memory. . .

God Speaking. . . AGAIN!

I turned on the computer this morning to check e-mail and make my various rounds and came across this quote on a friend's page about her health battles. I must say, I can not imagine facing a fraction of what she faces on a daily basis, and yet, she remains so strong. Rarely does she let on about her frustrations, yet they have to be there, how could they not be. Anyhow, here it is:

"God never promises to remove us from our struggles. He does however promise to change the way we look at them."
~ Max Lucado

Thank you, once again, for this reminder. My optimism has improved and I know that before I know it, this will be but a distant memory. I will look back at this time and understand why HE chose this path for me. My head and my heart will understand and be at total peace with this, but until then, HE will be there and hold my hand and guide me through this.

My Blessings

I am beyond grateful for these 3 precious blessings that God has given me. Although it is not the family that I envisioned for myself, these are the children that He knew I would carry within. . . And while I am beyond grateful for the gift that I was given, the gift that some may never have, I still mourn what I will never experience again. I know that the pain will get easier. I know that I will realize over time WHY this is my cross to carry in life. I know that HE and HE ALONE knows the reasons for this and I must fully trust in that. . .

More Complications. . .

I had my 19 day follow up today and it did not go as I had planned for my first post-op visit. . . I had this ideal, walk in, smile, wave, chit chat for a minute, and go home. . .

Instead, it was full of questions and problems. . . This past Sunday, I had a tremendous increase in pain and nausea. I called the on call doc and we set some guidelines about what was okay and what I needed to look for to go to the ER. Thankfully, after some pain and nausea meds and rest, I was feeling slightly better. Monday morning, I awoke with more then my normal pain. By the early afternoon, it was almost unbearable. I again called the doc, took some pain and nausea meds and rested. We decided to wait until my scheduled appointment this morning to address the issues. . .

So, fast forward to my 8:40 am appointment. After taking my vitals and a chat with the nurse, my doctor came in. We spoke about all that was going on and he decided that an exam was needed. After that took place, he proceeded to do a few in office labs and sent me to the hospital for an ultrasound and more labs. He also gave me some different medicines for the nausea and pain to try and get adequate control of both. . .

To say that I am upset is an understatement. I have never needed pain meds 19 days post op. I have never had a situation where I was fine for over a week, and then required meds again. I have never felt like I am sliding backwards as strongly as I do now. . .

I am praying that all of the tests reveal nothing. I am praying that I can begin the upward trend very soon. I pray for this journey to end sooner rather than later as my body and mind are truly exhausted. . .

So Long, Farewell

Today, day #15 post op, is my last day of full time help with the kiddos. While I am very worried about not having help, I know that I can do it. We might not be doing our school work or going on fieldtrips, but we will be be together as a family. We will read books and watch movies together. We will snuggle and make memories. We will have fun. I do have people on call just in case, but I pray that I can do it. It is well overdue that I be the wife and mother that my children and husband need. . .

Tears Like A River. . .

The tears are here today and they will just not stop. At this point, I can not even tell you why I am crying, only that I am. . .

For many nights now, I have awoken in the middle of the night with my heart racing, my palms sweating, and crying. All because of my dreams ~ It is the same, night after night. I have the surgery and wake up in my hospital room. When I peel back the sheets to look at my belly, there is nothing there. A giant hole where my womb once was. . .

And then, all of my plans seem to be falling apart. I know that He knew this would happen, but I did not. I wanted things to happen my way and I wanted my way to be His way. I wish that He would just show me a crystal ball so that I knew what was going to happen ~ So that my heart stops hurting when things do not happen as I had hoped and desired.

My Love

Yesterday, I felt as if I needed prayers. I was feeling quite weak and vulnerable again. . . I am starting to think that I will feel like this until the surgery. That my emotions will go back and forth. That I will have highs and lows throughout the days. . . So, I asked for prayers. Something I am not good at, but felt that it needed to be done. I put it on facebook and received many wonderful, uplifting comments. But, the best one was from my husband:

"'My brothers, consider it a great joy when trials of many kinds come upon you, for you well know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance, and perseverance must complete its work so that you will become complete, not deficient in any way.' -James 1:2-4. I am here with you, holding your hand through this journey, ready to let go of your hand at a moments notice, not to abandon you, but to carry you."

I am one lucky girl!

Prayer for Peace ~ Past, Present, and Future

When I married Robert, he would always tell me that if you have one foot in the past and one in the future then you are tinkling in the present. . .

I am trying SO hard to keep this in mind. To keep both feet in the present. To not think of the what if's of prior days. . . What if I had had the endo surgery earlier, could this have been avoided. What if I had spoken to my doctor before things were where they are. What if. . . . And then, my mind wanders to after surgery. What if this surgery goes like all of the others and I have complications and I end up in the hospital for a longer period of time. Or if I have to use home health again. What if they get into my abdomen and realize that things are not what they expected. What if things go wrong, really wrong. What if. . .

I can make it most of the day without thinking too much, but then when the kiddos are in bed or the house is quiet, these thoughts creep in my head. No matter how hard I try, I just can not shake them. I am trying to remain positive and focus on the good, but when you have had many negative outcomes, that is quite hard. . .

I have found that I am turning to prayer more often then not. Prayer has always sustained me, but I am realizing again, just how powerful it is. How calming it is. How wonderful it is. I have found this little prayer which I say daily. . .

FORTIFY me with the grace of Your Holy Spirit and give Your peace to my soul that I may be free from all needless anxiety, solicitude and worry. Help me to desire always that which is pleasing and acceptable to You so that Your will may be my will.

Change of Heart

It is incredible, how for many days, I felt as if my world was falling apart. I could not quit feeling sorry for my self. I could not stop questioning God. Asking Why Me. I am only 28. I only have 3 children. And then just when I thought things could not get any worse, I lost it. I sobbed. The kind of sob where you can not catch your breath. Where you are absolutely hysterical. I felt like my 3 year old. And then when it was over, it was over. I cleaned my face and tried to look on the bright side. I have been blessed 3 times. I was able to share 28 years of my life with my womb. I believe in a God that understands that I am human. There are so many out there that are not able to have children. That do not believe in God, any god. While I am still sad, the part of me that was angry and spiteful has left. I am still questioning God as to why this path was chosen for me and that answer I can not wait to find. But for now, I am trusting and believing and accepting of His will.

Tears of Joy :-)

For many nights now, I have dreamt of some change in my life. Whether it was the addition of a new child or a move to a new house or a new job. Something changed. At first I was quite puzzled as my dreams really never follow a pattern night after night. And then it hit me, I am preparing for a big change. A forever change. A change that will prevent me from ever carrying another life within. A change that will take part of the body God gave me away. A change that was always for "other people."

Last night, I awoke from my sleep crying. A good cry. A peaceful cry. The kind of cry you have when something you have worried about turns out to be okay. After the tears ended, my heart felt what my head knew ~ That everything would be fine. I would still be a woman. I would still be a wife, mother, sister, daughter, aunt. I would still be me.

Now, I pray that my heart does not lose sight of that in the next 19 days. That I will still have the same peace and knowledge then as I do now. That the fear and anxiety do not return, rather my confidence and trust remain.