*Update* A Weighty Issue

Just a quick little update on one of my last posts where I was VERY concerned about my weight. At that appointment, my thyroid labs were a bit off, so I began synthroid (It also helps with crazy pills work better which is always a positive!) I left that appointment and was scheduled to return in 8 weeks. Well, that was this past Wednesday and I was ever so nervous as I knew that I would face the scale and since I am still dealing with swelling, there is no telling WHAT it could say. . .

As always, I very carefully picked out my clothes, putting a lot of thought into what I would and would not wear. Finally the time came and we were called back. Ms. Hannah was there with me and she held my purse and 'watched' my shoes as I stepped onto the scale. I was scared. I could feel tears in my eyes, I was SO incredibly scared. Never would I have guessed what I saw next. . .

I was 6 pounds lighter than I was just 8 weeks prior! I was ecstatic! My doc saw me at the scale and came over and I quickly whispered in his ear 'my good news' and he gave me the evil eye as he knows all to well my obsession!

Anyhow, so that is where we stand. I still have 6 pounds to go to my pre-hyst weight, but I am not worried anymore. . . well, at least not obsessing anymore!

Say it ain't so. . .

I am full of fear right now. Full of anxiety. Full of questions. . .

About 2 days ago, I noticed that I was retaining fluid in my ankles, having some crazy headaches, and my vision was becoming quite blurry. I kind of buried it in the recesses of my mind as there were far more important things happening. Then last night, I noticed that my ankles had turned into 'kankles,' the vision was quite bad, and the headache was very present. I e-mailed a pharmacist friend and she advised to call my doc as it could potentially be a reaction to the Lyrica. When I read her response, my heart sank. I excused myself to the bedroom where I just sobbed. . .

When I began the Lyrica on September 28, I also began a Novena to St. Gianna Beretta Molla. I asked her to intercede on my behalf. To make this medicine the one that I needed. Last Sunday, October 2, when the pain level intensified greatly, I began one to the Blessed Mother. I needed this medicine to work. It had to work. . .

Last night, I decided to not call the doctor and when I woke, I had ankles again! Although they were still a bit fluffy, there were there! Within a few hours, they had disappeared again. This time, I went up the road to my pharmacy and spoke with the pharmacist face to face. He asked questions and looked on the computer and then told me that I needed to all the doctor today. When we came home I did. . .

Now, I sit and wait for the return phone call with the tears running off of my cheeks. Incredibly fearful of what might be said or done. I am praying that this is okay and that I can continue on the medicine. That this is just no big deal. But, the fear has taken hold and I am scared as this medicine HAS to work. . .

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UPDATE:

 I just got off of the phone with the doc and we are going to decrease the Lyrica to once a day. He said that this is a rare complication of the med and so decreasing the dose or tapering off will help. I see him on Tuesday as a follow up to the pain increase from last week and we will come up with a plan then. My emotions right now are all over the place. I wanted and needed this to work, but it looks like my body just will not tolerate it. So, we wait and see. . .

My novena to the Blessed Mother ends on Tuesday, so maybe this is a good sign. . . At least I pray it is!

SO. . .

We, well I guess this should be I, have heard yet again, from yet another doctor the exact same thing. I truly thought that, with the hysterectomy, that my days of second, third, fourth, and so on opinions were over. Hopefully they are now as the diagnosis of illioinguinal neuralgia and, possibly genitofemoral neuralgia is what I am still given, much like I was always told a hyst was the only way. . .

He was not a 'pill pusher' or appeared to be a doc that would be shut down by the FDA like this local clinic. Always a HUGE relief when you hear that this is a 'pain clinic.' I feel confident in his knowledge and LOVE his nurse practitioner - she is a very holistic lady and not only saw me as a patient, but one that is also struggling. She helped me greatly and acknowledged my pain. She in a way, understood like not many others can. Together, they all make a great team. . .

After a physical exam and history by both he and his nurse practitioner, we spoke about what the diagnosis is and what it means in terms of living. While I still push myself to extremes, I would like to do so without hurting greatly. After speaking openly and honestly, we were given options. Some were the same as last time, others not so much. They included: *Nerve Blocks; *Radiofrequency Ablation/Cryoablation; *Spinal Cord Stimulators; *Lyrica

After speaking openly and honestly, we decided to go with the least invasive - the Lyrica. I will start the med tonight and pray that it goes well. I return in 2 weeks to see how it is going, if the med is working, etc etc. I feel hopeful and renewed. He was completely different from the doctor here at UF/Shands and so was his clinic.

So, I guess that time will tell! I am VERY optimistic that this IS the answer!

ANOTHER Opinion. . .

Well, after 2 weeks of incredible pain, speaking to my doctor, discerning with my spouse, and praying for wisdom, I decided to call yet another doctor that come recommended by not only our doctor but one of Robert's co-workers. I was expecting to be told that they do not have any appts for ___ weeks, but sure enough, they had a cancellation at the location that is the most convenient for us. So, we took it. . .

Tomorrow at 2, I go to this doctor. I pray for wisdom and guidance. For knowledge and strength. I need relief. . . desperately. I am beyond tired of feeling somewhat better, and doing something ever so little and paying for it for days, or like this 'flare' lasting weeks. When I agreed to the hysterectomy that took place nearly 7 months ago, it was the final resort. I so badly want to go back in time and say NO and not let them do it, but I know that will never happen. I just desperately want for this chapter to end. . .

This appointment tomorrow has me full of anxiety. I am scared and I am weary. I am trying to trust with all that I can that this is His will. I am trying to put all of my anxiety and fear into His hands. I am trying to lean on my faith and know that He knows all of this. He knows when this will end. He knows what the outcome of tomorrow will be. He knows this and I know that He will give me the strength, but I am scared. I am human. . .

A Weighty Issue

I have eluded to it before, but now it is real and ridiculous. I have reached an unpregnant high for me. . . I am not going to give numbers as that is just too much for me to deal with, let just say, I weigh as much now as I did when I delivered Wesley. Granted, I only gained 12 pounds, but still, it is hard to swallow. Nobody else is worried or concerned, but I am horrified. I am freaking out. I am embarrassed beyond words. . .

Those that know me well, know that the scale and I do NOT get a long AT all! In fact, we are enemies. One time, I was so frustrated with the number it said, that I threw my $50 scale away! We absolutely, positively do not get along. . .

Now I know that it is normal to gain weight after a hysterectomy. That is par for the course. I hope that I would be immune from that, but I am not. I also know that with lack of activity it is normal to gain weight. Well, with my fabulous illioinguinal and genitofemoral nerves, walking around the block or even going on a bike ride are quite difficult and painful.

I long for the day when I can be active without 'paying for it.' I want so badly to move beyond this. To go on with my life. To finish God's will for me and my family, but it feels like the harder I try to move beyond the surgery, the more issues come up or refuse to dissipate.

January 2009 (5 weeks before Wes was born) / September 2011

Still Processing. . .

Well, yesterday came and went and I had the appointment that I had waited 6 weeks for. I arrived on time for my appointment and 2 1/2 hours later I saw the doctor. He was an older man with a heavy accent. He listened to my history and performed his exam and then he told us what he thinks. . .

• The illioinguinal nerve is definitely involved, but the genitofemoral nerve is possibly involved as well.
• Nerve pain can be self limiting (3-5 years) or it can continue indefinitely.
• We have options: (1.) Old School Theory: Perform a series of 10 (or more) nerve blocks to attempt to break the cycle. This would involve going in every 1-2 weeks for a block. (2.) Perform a diagnostic nerve block and if it gives temporary relief, perform a Radiofrequency Ablation on the nerve(s) which will provide relief up to 6 months. (3.) Insert a Spinal Cord Stimulator to inhibit the transmission of pain from the nerve to my brain, an internal TENS Unit of sorts. This has been proven to work but is VERY invasive and incredibly expensive. And then there is the insurance part!
  

We decided to go with the second option as it the easiest and can provide relief quicker than option one and is less invasive than the third. I left there with very mixed feelings. . . I know that things will happen in the way that they are meant, but I am scared. I am human. I hurt. I am tired. We have a date scheduled for the diagnostic nerve block. . . DECEMBER 8. 2011 - 4 months away. That feels like an eternity, esp when my hysterectomy was 5 months ago. . .

So, while I do not have any doubts in this doctor, I am concerned with (a.) his timeliness and (b.) that it takes SO long to get in for a 5 minute procedure. One thing that I LOVED was that he did not even try to give me a prescription for narcotics. The docs that I have see thus far have and that is not what I want. . . "Fix" one problem, yet create another. . .

While I am disappointed that he does not have a quick fix, I am confidant that we are doing what is best and hopefully following His will in the process. Like my Granny always said, "Lord, I'll make the motions, YOU do the work!"

"Let nothing perturb you, nothing frighten you. All things pass. God does not change. Patience achieves everything."
~Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta

God's Plan

As I sit here and write this out, I am feeling a huge mix of emotions. Lately, I have been surrounded by life, new life. It seems that everywhere I go, there is a pregnant lady. Very often I get 'that call' from a friend telling me that they are expecting. I am joyous for them. Grateful that they are understanding, respecting, and cherishing their gift of fertility. Praying that they understand just how sacred of a gift this is. How quickly it can be gone. . .

I have said that looking at my life, I envisioned it being full of children. I am one of 9 and I wanted that many if not more. . .Since the surgery and talking to many more professionals, I have come to realize that it is a true miracle that I have 3 beautiful blessings here. Maybe I just have to change the way that I looked at it. That all of those children were mine through adoption or that those were children of couples who conceived through the tools that I *hopefully* will one day provide them with. But regardless, I still struggle with the loss of my primary fertility. . .

So many take this gift for granted. So many do not think twice about their fertility, just see it as a bother once a month. Then there are those that want and long for that child yet can not conceive or carry a child within for as long as needed. My heart absolutely breaks for all of those suffering. For all of those who have lost children whether it was right after conception or days before a due date. You still grieve. You still hurt. You still mourn. . .

Although these are two seperate issues, they are both infertility. One may not experience the loss of a child, but you still experience the loss of a part of yourself. Almost a secondary infertility of sorts in that you overcame it once, but this one has you. . . This one you can not move past either from emotional restraint or physical. This time you are almost a victim. . .

I never thought that I would seek out an infertility group, but that is exactly what I have done. These women feel and understand the longing and heartache. Like so many, I never thought that I would be 'one of them' . . .

The Many Emotions of a Hysterectomy. . .

• Grateful --> That I am not longer dealing with the multitude of issues that I was dealing with prior. The endometriosis, adenomyosis, and (right) ovarian cysts are forever gone. No more transfusions from as a result of a bad month. . .
  
• Sad --> That which my body used to give life, is no longer a part of me. It was discarded with the trash. . .
• Blessed --> That the doctors took the decision of the surgery out of my hands and scheduled it themselves. Otherwise, this would have never happened. And for my fabulous friend (*wink *wink) for without her help, this surgery would have been even harder. She took on the role of surrogate mommy and we are truly grateful . .
  
• Relieved --> That I came out of the surgery still feeling like a woman. Even though I am missing certain parts now, I am no less a woman than I was a few months ago. . .
• Frustrated --> That we are 15 weeks out from the surgery and I am still dealing with A LOT of pain. . . Albeit different pain than it was prior, pain is pain and it sucks!
• Surprise/Anger --> With all of the ups and downs that have come with this recovery. I thought my age was definitely a benefit, but it seems that it was instead a curse. . .
  
• Joy --> With how incredible my husband has been through all of this. Neither one of us saw this in our future when we said I do nearly 8 years ago. But, over the past 2 1/2 years, he has learned to just roll with things. To be okay with how things happen. . . I could not have made it through this without him! Thank you, my love for everything!
  

This Bettter Work!

I am just returning home from the chiropractor and let me tell you, I hurt! He, along with his assistant, pushed and manipulated the scar tissue until I could not bear it any longer. Then we went and did 'neuro stim' (think a TENS Unit with more power). That felt great and I loved all 25 minutes of being pain free, but as soon as they took it off, the pain returned. I was able to make it to the truck before the tears began from the pain. . .

Now, I am home and praying that this will be worth it in the end. I expected it to be intense, but not like this. My expectation was equivalent to the physical therapy I went through after all of the baby drama. That I could laugh through. Right now, I can not pretend to be okay even if I try as the pain is at that level. . .

I am honestly not sure how much more of this I can take. I am tired of hearing the docs say that I am not their average patient. I am tired of them saying they have no idea so go see this other doc. I just want to get this pain to a level that I can deal with. If I am meant to hurt forever, so be it. But, it needs to be at a level that I can tolerate. Not a level that is tearing me apart. . .

Trials and Tribulations

I came across this passage and began weeping:

James 1:2-3
" Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."

How incredibly perfect is this? Embrace your trials and tribulations. Turn to them and do not run.

I read this and it was one of those moments where God was speaking to me. HE was telling me that this is hard and HE knows that, but in the end, things will be better. With perseverance and time, HE will show me the why behind all of this. . .

Babies, Babies Everywhere!

**Please understand, this is not taking anything for granted, I am just having emotions. I am truly loving every minute that I have with my husband and children but I am human and as a result I have emotions that are real and I choose to express them.**

It seems like everywhere I go, there is a pregnant mama. Every time I turn around, there is a happy family. Enjoying every moment of life. They appear to be satisfied with what they have. Satisfied with what God has given them. . .

I on the other hand, can not find that 'satisfaction.' I have tried. I have looked deep within. I am begging God to allow me the peace that this is my family. The comfort that this was and has always been HIS plan for me. I want so desperately to understand why I am only blessed with 3 children. Why HE has trusted me with this path. The why behind it all. . .

I want HIS time to be MY time. I want HIS will to be MY will. But it feels like we are on polar opposites right now. He says wait while I am a baby throwing a tantrum because I want it now, now, now. . .

How do I connect the dots? How do I make my heart and head understand that His timing is not my timing? How do I just let go of it all and be at peace with everything? How do I do any of this? How do I move past this point?

I have turned to prayer and my faith. I have spoken with many. I have done so much to try and figure this out, but I am at a total loss. . . Is it exacerbated by the pain I am in and all of the frustrations that accompany that? Or maybe my hormones trying to figure this out? Who knows. . . The 1 thing that I do know is that I am not alone in this. Even when I am at my weakest point, there will be a little reminder that HE is there. HE is guiding me through this. HE is holding my hand every step of the way. . .

Are you pregnant?

I was asked this question for the first time today. I was able to laugh it off with the tech that asked me while taking my vitals and tell her no I just had a hysterectomy, but inside I was crying. She felt bad, so I did my best to hide my feelings. . . which I have gotten very good with around those that do not know me well. . . If you know me, you know when I am lying!

Although this was the first, I am sure that it will not be the last. At least when I had my uterus, I was able to say no or I hope not, but inside I knew that if medicine improved and could make pregnancy safe for me and our child, that we would have another. . . But now, now I do not even have that opportunity. . .

Tonight, my emotions are raw. I am so grateful for all of my children. I was given an opportunity that some may never have, but what I had imagined and always dreamed, will never be. I thought my heart had accepted this, but today proved that is not the case.

I was given a copy of the MRI pictures from last week and although I have, for the most part, no idea what I am looking at, I know what is not there. I never thought that God would only bless me with 3 children. I never thought that at 28, I would have a hysterectomy.

I must come up with a classy way to answer this question that will not break my heart or cause me such distress as I am not sure that I can handle another day like today. . .

Crying

I have found, that over the past 51 days, that I am crying a lot more. I thought that I was a crier during pregnancy or when I was feeling down, but now I will cry at everything and anything. Well, not the sappy stuff, like Publix commercials or the like, but at the normal daily occurrences. . .

When talking with my sister today, I cried because I was talking about crying. I cried when my friend told me that she enjoyed an early Mother's Day outing with her mother. I cried as I read the St. Augustine Catholic. I cried when my oldest came up to me and kissed me out of the blue. I cry when my youngest tries to tell me knock knock jokes! I cried when my daughter told me I was beautiful. I cried when my husband brought me a diet coke! I am crying now as I write about this. I will cry at everything!

I wonder why this is. . . Could it be my body adjusting to having 1 ovary to make the hormones. Could it be that I have always been a crier, it has just intensified tenfold since the surgery. So many "could it be" possibilities, but for now, I will just accept that I am a crier and I will make sure to always have a tissue in my pocket and waterproof mascara on! :-)