Update:

Here is an update on the most recent surgery. . .

http://therikers03.blogspot.com/2012/01/post-that-i-have-been-avoiding.html

Part of the WHY?!?!?

Well, I did it! After a lot of prayer, discernment, talking to my husband, etc etc, I made that first initial contact. I sent an email to a lady at BOMA. This is the Billings Ovulation Method of America, which is a form of Natural Family Planning. I grew up knowing and learning this method. When we moved out of MS, I could not find an instructor, so I learned the Creighton Model, which is very similar but uses scientific terms instead of your own. While I was satisfied and confident in my knowledge of Creighton, I preferred the simplicity of the BOM.

Since the surgery, I have wanted to help others understand and cherish their fertility. To not take it for granted and to treat it with the respect that it deserves. Our fertility is a gift from God and for so many, that is not understood. I also think, that this might be where parts of my dream may be coming from.

So, late this afternoon, I sat down at the computer to send an email and in my inbox was a sweet note from one of the directors! She told me what to do to become a teacher and be properly 'trained' in how to teach the method. Unfortunately, there is a training session at the end of July, but I do not see myself making that as I am still dealing with too much pain for that kind of travel. . . But disheartened I am not. I am SO excited and prayerful that this is part of HIS will for me!

Helpful Website

I have found the Hysterectomy Toolbox website as a great resource for information. Some of the information in a bit outdated, but good for the most part!

Back to Pajamas. . .

I have decided that, in order to remind myself that I need to rest and let my body recover, I am going to return to my pajama wearing days. I desperately want to regain all of the ground that was lost last week. I want to feel like I am making progress instead of staying steady or sliding backwards. I need this physically and mentally. . .

Yesterday was one of the lowest days since the surgery. It was a day where I regretted the hysterectomy greatly. I questioned the decision. I could not get it out of my mind. It was a hard day. A very hard day. . .

It is hard to believe that tomorrow will be 6 weeks. If I were working a paying job, I would be able to go back and that, I can not imagine. I can hardly function for a few hours, much less ALL day. Then, with the amount of pain I am in now, there is absolutely no way. . .

So, I have made a plan. I return to my surgeon next week. Until then, I have canceled all outings (except for the kiddos well child visits on Monday). I plan on staying in my pajamas. Playing games with the kiddos. Eating cereal for every meal. Just taking it easy and trying to feel better. I am tired of setbacks and I am going to avoid them at all costs!

I pray that this decision will help as I desperately need to begin the process of moving beyond the surgery, mentally and physically. . .

My Best Friend

I am still suffering from a swelly belly! While it is no big deal first thing in the morning, by lunch time I begin to look pregnant! Because of this, I can not wear any of my normal clothes and I can not live in my pj's forever. . .

I was starting to get a bit depressed as it was continually another constant reminder of the surgery that I so badly want to move past. I long for the day when my hysterectomy is not on my mind for the entire day. The day when I can wear my normal clothes and not feel like I am squeezing into them. The day where I can make it the majority of the day without thinking of this. . .

Last night, I shared this with my husband. He offered kind words and just held me as the tears flowed. He rubbed my back, held my hand, wiped my tears. He listened and loved me. . .

Imagine my surprise when he came home today with BAGS of clothes for me. There were pants, capris, and skirts. All of them had an elastic waist, but did not look like something a grandma would wear! He had dresses and shirts that flowed away from the body. Then, he gave me another bag. . . This one was full of shower gels, lotions, perfumes. . . All of the stuff to help me feel relaxed and pretty!

Throughout this entire journey, surgery, and recovery, he has stood by my side. He has been there whenever I might need him. He has pampered me beyond my wildest dreams. We are so much more in love now than we were prior and that love grows so much deeper everyday.

So, thank you, my love, for everything. I could not have traveled this journey without you by my side. I love you and you will always be on my heart!

Good Times :-)

For the past 4 weeks, I have been looking for proof that my left ovary is working. If it chose to "shut down," like can sometimes happen, I would be forced into menopause as I can NOT take any form of hormones. . .

Well, a few days ago, I received that proof. I realized that I have PMS! Never in my 28 years, have I been so grateful for the cravings, bloating, mood swings, etc etc as I am this time. So, I am embracing this and beyond thrilled that what I thought might be hot flashes, really were not such!

I must admit though, as joyous as this was, it was SO hard at the same time. I knew that this PMS would be for nothing. That what would follow PMS, would not be happening. . . Granted, that time of the month (sorry to the men reading this!) was awful, but now, I will never have another one. . . I shared this with my doctor at my appointment on Wednesday and he made a statement that hit home. He said, "During the surgery you lost 15mL of blood, 3 tsp. That is not enough to need a blood transfusion, however your severe endometriosis, menometrorrhagia, and severe dysmenorrhea, that left you needing a transfusion. If you had not had a hysterectomy, we would have to start transfusing you more often."

So, while I am grateful that I will never need another transfusion due to my cycle and that my one ovary is working, I still mourn what is not there. . . What will never be there again. . .

Let the Complications Continue. . .

Well, I had to go back to the doctor today because my bladder has been sleeping too much lately. After talking with the doctor, nurse, and physician's assistant, it was decided that I needed to go home with a foley catheter and see a urologist ASAP.

So, I am home with an artificial device connected to my body once again. I will have to have this until at least Friday when I see this new specialist. Hopefully he can shed some light on this new issue that has suddenly began.

Our prayer is that whatever needs to be done, can be done without a trip to the OR. We are scared. Very scared. Going into the surgery, we knew that the risk of complications were great. We were prepared for minor complications that were easily correctable. We were not anticipating this. . . Please pray with us that this can end soon. . . We desperately need to see the light at the end of this tunnel. . .

More Complications. . .

I had my 19 day follow up today and it did not go as I had planned for my first post-op visit. . . I had this ideal, walk in, smile, wave, chit chat for a minute, and go home. . .

Instead, it was full of questions and problems. . . This past Sunday, I had a tremendous increase in pain and nausea. I called the on call doc and we set some guidelines about what was okay and what I needed to look for to go to the ER. Thankfully, after some pain and nausea meds and rest, I was feeling slightly better. Monday morning, I awoke with more then my normal pain. By the early afternoon, it was almost unbearable. I again called the doc, took some pain and nausea meds and rested. We decided to wait until my scheduled appointment this morning to address the issues. . .

So, fast forward to my 8:40 am appointment. After taking my vitals and a chat with the nurse, my doctor came in. We spoke about all that was going on and he decided that an exam was needed. After that took place, he proceeded to do a few in office labs and sent me to the hospital for an ultrasound and more labs. He also gave me some different medicines for the nausea and pain to try and get adequate control of both. . .

To say that I am upset is an understatement. I have never needed pain meds 19 days post op. I have never had a situation where I was fine for over a week, and then required meds again. I have never felt like I am sliding backwards as strongly as I do now. . .

I am praying that all of the tests reveal nothing. I am praying that I can begin the upward trend very soon. I pray for this journey to end sooner rather than later as my body and mind are truly exhausted. . .

My Love

Yesterday, I felt as if I needed prayers. I was feeling quite weak and vulnerable again. . . I am starting to think that I will feel like this until the surgery. That my emotions will go back and forth. That I will have highs and lows throughout the days. . . So, I asked for prayers. Something I am not good at, but felt that it needed to be done. I put it on facebook and received many wonderful, uplifting comments. But, the best one was from my husband:

"'My brothers, consider it a great joy when trials of many kinds come upon you, for you well know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance, and perseverance must complete its work so that you will become complete, not deficient in any way.' -James 1:2-4. I am here with you, holding your hand through this journey, ready to let go of your hand at a moments notice, not to abandon you, but to carry you."

I am one lucky girl!