Out Of The Blue. . .

My fabulous sister, that has been helping me all week, left this morning to return home to her husband. My friend girl that helped me all of last week, came this afternoon to help with nap as I am unable to pick up the baby and put him in his crib. Shortly after they awoke from naps, she had to leave and for the first time since my surgery, I was alone. . . Just me and the kiddos. They played in the backyard while I sat on the porch and read. We all sat in the adirondack chairs and played toss with the tennis ball. We came inside and read stories. We played the "Leo Game" on the computer. A girlfriend brought dinner over for us. We had a nice, relaxing afternoon, and besides my exhaustion, I felt great. . .Then 5:00 hit and the pain came. It started in little waves and before I knew it, it had escalated to the point where it hurt to walk. My husband arrived home and I was able to rest and think. . .

I thought about all that has happened these past 15 days. I thought about the magnitude of this surgery and how I am not better yet as I thought for sure I would be at least 95% better by 15 days out. . . I mourned what is now gone. I called my sister and we spoke for a long while and it was medicinal for both of us. I cried, laughed, and contemplated. Things are so different for me now. I appreciate the female body more then ever. I think about all 3 of my sterile, surgical births and how I would have loved for them to be different, to go as I planned. But now, the reality of that is gone. I will never again have the experience of carrying a life under my heart. I will never again have the chance to feel feet sticking in my ribs. I will never again write a birth plan for myself. . .

I am truly having a very hard evening. I made it all day and then in the chaos of the night, I lost it. I can pretend to be brave, but it is so much easier to express and talk about my feelings instead of ignoring them. This surgery, albeit necessary, is one of the hardest things I have had to endure. . .