Man or Woman?

I had my urology follow up today. The appointment itself went well. We learned some news, but as the doctor stood next to me and opened my chart, I noticed 2 things -->

1. My bladder scan stated that I was "male"
and
2. my appointment progress report was a generic "male" form.

When I inquired as to why this was, I was told that because I no longer have a uterus, I have to be given those sheets especially during the bladder scan. They all laughed it off. . . "We know you are not a man" jokes, etc, but inside, I was broken. I felt like I had been slapped in the face. Like every ounce of femininity I had was stripped from me. Could these professionals not see the hole that is already within my abdomen? The one that at one point brought forth new life. The one that has been thrown away with the trash?

Tonight, my heart is aching. I want to run and never look back. I want this to be over. I want to feel better. I thought this would be the easy surgery. The old people are back on their feet in a week having to remind themselves that they can not do things. Meanwhile, I am nowhere near old and I am wishing that I would have to remind myself not to do things. I want to be better. I want. . .

It has been a while since I had a good cry. I am making up for lost time tonight. . .