Slow and Steady Wins the Race ~ 4 Week Update

I must admit, when I began this journey and finally scheduled the hysterectomy, I thought I had my age to my advantage in regards to the recovery. Surely a 28 year old would have absolutely no trouble recovering from this major surgery. . . or so I thought. . .

So, here I am, nearly 4 weeks after my surgery and I am nowhere near where I thought I would be in terms of recovery. I am still requiring medication to help with the pain. I still wear a patch behind my ear for nausea. I still must rest after almost any activity. While tremendous progress has been made, it has not been to my liking in terms of the pace. . .

While I was sharing these emotions with a lady who watched me grow up, she was quick to remind me that while I am only 28, my body has been through SO much. I have endured 6 abdominal (and 1 knee!) surgery in 24 months. I have had to have a blood transfusion and the majority of my surgeries came with complications. Simply stated, my body is tired, weak, and desperate for a break. It is evident in the amount of time that it is taking to recover. . .

Today, I went to my surgeon for a follow up. I had my list of questions and my kleenex to wipe my tears. As soon as he opened the door, the tears began to flow as I explained my frustration with this recovery. He looked at me and told me that I am much farther along in this recovery than he expected me to be. That he had to do a lot of work in my belly. That, for him, this was not an easy surgery. . . I had to pick my jaw up off of the floor! He was proud of me and impressed with this recovery that I am beyond depressed about! He did not think that I was sliding backwards. He saw all of this as steps in the right direction. . .

So, while I am not making progress as fast as I would like, it is being made faster than my doctor expected and for that, I rejoice!

When I Grow Up

Through this, I have truly come to appreciate the gift of womanhood. I have come to appreciate who we are. The different gifts that we are given. The different challenges that we face. . .

When my sister was here 2 weeks ago, we were talking about what it means to be a woman. During our conversation, it hit me. I want to help others embrace this gift of femininity. I want to help them celebrate and rejoice with all that they can do with the gift of fertility. God only knows whether I use this to teach a form of Natural Family Planning, become a Doula, a Midwife. Who knows. I just know that this is what my heart feels called to do. . .

26 Day Post Op Progress Report

Although huge progress has been made since Saturday, I feel like I am sliding backwards. The pain and nausea have increased and I am now getting these crazy headaches. My energy is at an all time low. If I could just sit here with my heating pad and not move, I would be a happy camper. . .

I have read in many places that weeks 3, 4, and 5 sometimes feel like you are sliding backwards, but seriously, I am 28! I am not your typical hysterectomy patient. . . I thought for sure that would not be me. . .

We are scheduled to travel in 1 week for my sisters wedding. It will be 1200+ miles roundtrip. I knew going into this surgery that there would be nothing that would keep me from attending. While I still know that I will be there, I am truly concerned about the difficulties that will surround it. Please join me in praying that during the next 7 days that my body will heal and make incredible progress. I need to not only make this trip, but also feel good while I am there.

Urology Follow-Up

I returned to the urologist this afternoon to review what was started last week. . . My bladder is working again and I am to start weaning off of my smooth muscle relaxers. My kidney's however, still appear to not be draining well and the right one is beginning to cause pain. My doctor seems to think that this will autcorrect, but gave me some guidelines as to when I will need to call him or go to the ER. If things go as planned, I will return to him in 2 weeks and re-evaluate where we are. So, all in all, a good appointment in regards to everything inside!

Man or Woman?

I had my urology follow up today. The appointment itself went well. We learned some news, but as the doctor stood next to me and opened my chart, I noticed 2 things -->

1. My bladder scan stated that I was "male"
and
2. my appointment progress report was a generic "male" form.

When I inquired as to why this was, I was told that because I no longer have a uterus, I have to be given those sheets especially during the bladder scan. They all laughed it off. . . "We know you are not a man" jokes, etc, but inside, I was broken. I felt like I had been slapped in the face. Like every ounce of femininity I had was stripped from me. Could these professionals not see the hole that is already within my abdomen? The one that at one point brought forth new life. The one that has been thrown away with the trash?

Tonight, my heart is aching. I want to run and never look back. I want this to be over. I want to feel better. I thought this would be the easy surgery. The old people are back on their feet in a week having to remind themselves that they can not do things. Meanwhile, I am nowhere near old and I am wishing that I would have to remind myself not to do things. I want to be better. I want. . .

It has been a while since I had a good cry. I am making up for lost time tonight. . .

Thank You

Thank you to all that have offered up prayers, brought us food, helped with the children, called to check in, etc etc. We could not have made it through this journey without you and we are truly grateful to all of you. This has been another bump in the road of life. It has shown us how truly wonderful and giving people are. So, with heartfelt gratitude, thank you from all of us.

Robotic Hysterectomy

This was a story on the DaVinci Hysterectomy was recently aired on the news station here. It showcased the group of surgeons at Southeast Gynecology Oncology Associates that performed mine. I enjoyed learning a bit more!

HUGE Step in the right direction. . . (lots of info!)

Well, I woke up this morning with incredible bladder spasms. The pain was indescribable, except to say that it was going to send me to the ER if it did not improve. Also, in the bag was a lot of blood ~ Praise God I was not on my blood thinners anymore! So, on a whim, I decided to take out the foley catheter and give me body a break. If it meant I end up in the ER in a few hours for another, so be it. All I knew was right then, my tired body needed a break. The cath had been in place for nearly 80 hours and was supposed to be in for another 48. . . So, I cut the balloon and the sterile saline spilled all over my bathroom floor and I removed the tube. I sat there for a bit not knowing whether I was stupid for doing this or brave! I drank 2 bottles of water and waited and then it happened. . . I peed! Now, I just pray that this continues and there are no steps backwards. For now, we celebrate and are praising God! :-)

Others Opinions

With seeing a new doctor, comes the obvious question: Why would a 28 year old, in seemingly good health, have a hysterectomy?!?

Well, before I was even given an opportunity to answer this, I heard the female nurses in the hall chatting amongst themselves about "The 28 year old in room #3." Their words are still stinging hours later. When one came into the room to get my vitals, I was crying. She ever so innocently asked what the problem was and I ignored her as I knew the only words that would come out would be rude and hurtful to her. I remained silent until the doctor entered. The sonographer was wonderful and asked in a very caring, kind way about what was going on. Both her and the doctor were the only ones that displayed professionalism today.

While I know people are not intentionally trying to be hurtful, their words and actions say otherwise. I do not mind telling people WHY I had this surgery, just please do not make assumptions. If I had it my way, this surgery would have never happened. . .

No News Is. . .

After much anticipation, the appointment came and went with no real answers. I was praying that I would be able to lose the catheter after today and that we would know why my bladder was malfunctioning and am very distraught that none of that occurred. . .

The appointment began with a brief description of what happened and how my symptoms manifested themselves. He then ordered a sonogram of my kidneys and bladder which revealed that they are not emptying properly. He returned to the exam room with this information and a simple plan of action --->On Monday morning, I will remove the catheter and return to his office by 3pm. I will also begin taking a smooth muscle relaxer x3/day. . .

I am frustrated beyond belief. Both my husband and I had hoped that today would bring answers. Now that we know there will be no answers for at least another 72 hours is heartbreaking. I am honestly not sure how much longer I can walk through the unknown. Yes, I can put on a smile and act like all is well, but inside I am hurting. Inside I am exhausted. Inside I am not sure just how much I have left. . .

My New Doctor

In a few short hours, I have a big doctors appointment with a urologist to try and find our why I can not go potty without the use of a catheter. This problem just began 6 days ago and I am hoping and praying that it will leave just as fast as it began. We are truly scared that there might be a need for another surgery. . . that would make #8 in 25 months. Please pray with us that this can be solved without the need of intense medical intervention. We are very scared as things have appeared to slide backwards rather fast this past week. . .

Let the Complications Continue. . .

Well, I had to go back to the doctor today because my bladder has been sleeping too much lately. After talking with the doctor, nurse, and physician's assistant, it was decided that I needed to go home with a foley catheter and see a urologist ASAP.

So, I am home with an artificial device connected to my body once again. I will have to have this until at least Friday when I see this new specialist. Hopefully he can shed some light on this new issue that has suddenly began.

Our prayer is that whatever needs to be done, can be done without a trip to the OR. We are scared. Very scared. Going into the surgery, we knew that the risk of complications were great. We were prepared for minor complications that were easily correctable. We were not anticipating this. . . Please pray with us that this can end soon. . . We desperately need to see the light at the end of this tunnel. . .

Sugarland ~ Little Miss

Little Miss down on love
Little Miss I give up

Little Miss I'll get tough, don't you worry about me anymore
Little Miss checkered dress
Little Miss one big mess
Little Miss I'll take less when I always give so much more

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Little Miss do your best
Little Miss never rest
Little Miss be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out
Little Miss you'll go far
Little Miss hide your scars
Little Miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Hooooooooooold Ooooooooon
Hooooooooooold On, you are loved
Are loved.......

Little Miss brand new start
Little Miss do your part
Little Miss big 'ole heart beats wide open and she's ready now for love

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay, it'll be alright again)
I'm okay! (It'll be alright again)

The Name

I came across a song with a phrase I adored and thought was the perfect title for this blog. It read:

"I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else, I'm gonna treat me right. . ."

More Complications. . .

I had my 19 day follow up today and it did not go as I had planned for my first post-op visit. . . I had this ideal, walk in, smile, wave, chit chat for a minute, and go home. . .

Instead, it was full of questions and problems. . . This past Sunday, I had a tremendous increase in pain and nausea. I called the on call doc and we set some guidelines about what was okay and what I needed to look for to go to the ER. Thankfully, after some pain and nausea meds and rest, I was feeling slightly better. Monday morning, I awoke with more then my normal pain. By the early afternoon, it was almost unbearable. I again called the doc, took some pain and nausea meds and rested. We decided to wait until my scheduled appointment this morning to address the issues. . .

So, fast forward to my 8:40 am appointment. After taking my vitals and a chat with the nurse, my doctor came in. We spoke about all that was going on and he decided that an exam was needed. After that took place, he proceeded to do a few in office labs and sent me to the hospital for an ultrasound and more labs. He also gave me some different medicines for the nausea and pain to try and get adequate control of both. . .

To say that I am upset is an understatement. I have never needed pain meds 19 days post op. I have never had a situation where I was fine for over a week, and then required meds again. I have never felt like I am sliding backwards as strongly as I do now. . .

I am praying that all of the tests reveal nothing. I am praying that I can begin the upward trend very soon. I pray for this journey to end sooner rather than later as my body and mind are truly exhausted. . .

Out Of The Blue. . .

My fabulous sister, that has been helping me all week, left this morning to return home to her husband. My friend girl that helped me all of last week, came this afternoon to help with nap as I am unable to pick up the baby and put him in his crib. Shortly after they awoke from naps, she had to leave and for the first time since my surgery, I was alone. . . Just me and the kiddos. They played in the backyard while I sat on the porch and read. We all sat in the adirondack chairs and played toss with the tennis ball. We came inside and read stories. We played the "Leo Game" on the computer. A girlfriend brought dinner over for us. We had a nice, relaxing afternoon, and besides my exhaustion, I felt great. . .Then 5:00 hit and the pain came. It started in little waves and before I knew it, it had escalated to the point where it hurt to walk. My husband arrived home and I was able to rest and think. . .

I thought about all that has happened these past 15 days. I thought about the magnitude of this surgery and how I am not better yet as I thought for sure I would be at least 95% better by 15 days out. . . I mourned what is now gone. I called my sister and we spoke for a long while and it was medicinal for both of us. I cried, laughed, and contemplated. Things are so different for me now. I appreciate the female body more then ever. I think about all 3 of my sterile, surgical births and how I would have loved for them to be different, to go as I planned. But now, the reality of that is gone. I will never again have the experience of carrying a life under my heart. I will never again have the chance to feel feet sticking in my ribs. I will never again write a birth plan for myself. . .

I am truly having a very hard evening. I made it all day and then in the chaos of the night, I lost it. I can pretend to be brave, but it is so much easier to express and talk about my feelings instead of ignoring them. This surgery, albeit necessary, is one of the hardest things I have had to endure. . .

So Long, Farewell

Today, day #15 post op, is my last day of full time help with the kiddos. While I am very worried about not having help, I know that I can do it. We might not be doing our school work or going on fieldtrips, but we will be be together as a family. We will read books and watch movies together. We will snuggle and make memories. We will have fun. I do have people on call just in case, but I pray that I can do it. It is well overdue that I be the wife and mother that my children and husband need. . .

2 Week Post Op Progress Report

A lot has happened in the 14 days since my hysterectomy. . . I thought by the 2 week mark, I would be fully recovered and feel like myself again. While I am close to that point, I still have a ways to go. At this point, I can go days without significant pain and just when I think I have reached the point of saying farewell to significant pain, it returns. Today is one of those days where I am hurting greatly. Also, I am dealing with a great deal of nausea. I have tried many med --> Zofran, Phenergan, Ativan, Scopalomine Patches, and now Reglan. The patch and Reglan are finally a winning combination! My appetite is not back, but I am trying to eat to help my body heal. My blood counts are holding steady and increasing a little. I have finished my lovenox injections. My hematoma in my belly is slowly greatly getting smaller. So, while things are not moving along as fast as I would like, they are moving in the right direction!

The Phone Call

I received a phone call the other day from a nurse with our insurance company. She is my "case manager" which I never knew I had until that call came! After introducing herself, she went on to say that the reason she called was because she had never seen a person my age have a hysterectomy. . . Why would someone SO young have to have one. . . and on and on. After a what seemed like an eternity of listening to her, I began to cry, rather sob. At this point she knew that she had crossed the line and had really hit a nerve. She backed off of her pedastool and began to ask me why this had to happen and what all I have done in order to prevent this. At the end of our 20 minute conversation, she apologized for upsetting me and we hung up the phone.

She is not the first to make comments or assumptions. That is what I am facing regularly. If I were 38 or 48, instead of 28, I am sure that I would not get questioned to the extent I do. It is amazing what just a few years will do. . . So, if you want to know, just ask and don't assume!

1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Backwards

Yesterday I had an incredible day. We went for a *little* outing. I sat in the backyard while the children played. I did a few easy jobs around the house. I felt great.

Today. . . Well, today, not so great. I am having a great deal of pain, incisional and internal pain, and an incredible amount of exhaustion. Also, I am struggling emotionally. . .

I want so badly to be over this hump. To be back to the wife, mother, sister, daughter that I know I can be. I had hopes of waking up from the surgery and being fine. Not hurting. Not being tired. Not struggling in any way. And, while my head knew that was not a reality, my heart so desired it to be different. I want to move on. To be able to put the fact that I now have a hollow space where my womb once was, behind me. I want to be done with it. . .

But, my heart needs to grieve. To mourn the loss that is within. To accept the reality that is present.

I have good days. I have bad days. Today is a bad day. . .

The Gift of Blood

My surgery was exactly 55 days from my last blood donation. This time, I took my oldest 2 children with me so they could learn a lesson about giving. They were incredibly intrigued and curious by the entire event. They were in absolute awe as my blood filled the bag and tipped the scale. They called me a hero for the rest of the day!

After the shock wore off that I was in need of a transfusion, I took the opportunity to talk to the children and use this experience as a tool about helping others. How incredible it was to watch them as I told them that just like we saved 3 lives by donating, someone too saved mommy by donating their blood.

Thank you to all that donate blood. What an incredible gift it was to watch the gift of life pour into my veins. It was a very sobering moment that brought many tears and many emotions that I was not expecting. . . I look forward to repaying this gift in just 12 short months.

Still A Woman :-)

I had a dream before the surgery that when I woke from the anesthesia, there was a large hole in my abdomen where my womb once was. I was able to look inside and see this gaping hole. This emptiness inside of me. A part of me was gone. . .

When I woke up at the hospital, one of the first things I did was rub my belly. To my surprise, there was no hole. There was no visible emptiness. There was just me. I was the same me that I was when I went into the OR hours earlier. I was no less a woman. No less a mother. No less a daughter. No less a wife.

When I got out of the bed for the first time, I was still me. When I walked around, I was still me. When I came home to my family, I was still me. My children still call me mommy. My husband still calls me his wife. My parents still call me daughter. Yes, I lost my womb, but I am still very much a woman!

The Good,The Bad, and The Ugly

Well, here I am on Day #8 post op and I have learned a lot. . .

• I prepared as well as I could for this hospital stay/surgery, but all of my preparations just made God laugh as it is His will and not mine. . .
  
• You will not bounce back from this surgery like others.
  
• Things that you can normally do without pain, will now hurt.
• Energy is not something that comes to me easily right now.
  
• My children and husband are incredible.
  
• My bed is rather boring.
• I have more bruises then I can count.
• Food tastes funny.
• My support system is incredible :-)

My Not So Simple Surgery

Thursday, March 3: I was admitted to the hospital for my Robotic Assisted Total Hysterectomy. My husband and I arrived there 6 minutes late! I was brought to the back and all of the preparations were made. We had all of our last minute questions answered by my surgeon and then the anesthesiologist gave me some versaid and I do not recall anything after this until I woke in recovery. As soon as I came too, I began to sob ~ not from pain, but from the knowledge that it was over. My precious uterus was gone and would forever be. My nurses were wonderful and held my hand, wiped my tears, and one even wept with me. The rest of the day was spent trying to stay on top of the pain.

Friday, March 4: This morning, we were finally "on top of" the pain. I tried to transition to oral pain meds, but I simply could not do that with adequate pain control. I was also still requiring oxygen to keep my blood saturation in the 90's and my pulse was in the mid 120's. The doctors thought that I might have a blood clot in my lungs, so they ordered a chest ct. It came back fine, but I earned another night in the hospital. . .

Saturday, March 5: Aside from trying to get my pulse down and my o2 sats up, the day was rather uneventful until the evening when I began to run a fever. . . So, night #3 was earned. . .

Sunday, March 6: The fever went away as fast as it came today, but the shortness of breath, dizziness, and pulse were much worse today then they were in days prior. The doc ordered some mid day labs where it revealed that I was in desperate need of a blood transfusion. To say that I was scared is not accurate. People came in and left. Blood was drawn. IV's were placed. Wires were attached. My vitals were checked every 15 minutes for the next 7 hours. It was a total blur of activity. . .

Monday, March 7: The doctors were thinking that I might have developed a large hematoma in my abdomen because there was one side that was significantly larger then the other. It was also very hard to the touch. So, after drinking a quart of contrast, I was sent down to CT where it showed a "pool of fluid." We are watching it to see if further action needs to be taken. I have also been very nauseous today and the doctors are worried that if I begin to vomit, that I will throw off my fluid balance again and we will be back where we began. So, night #5 was earned. . .

Tuesday, March 8: This was the most uneventful day yet. I had no field trips to other departments or visits from sub specialists. Mid afternoon, the doctors came in and we had a little chat. They were on edge about letting me go home. I pushed, they pulled. Finally, we redrew labs and after looking at them, we decided that I could go home as long as I follow very strict rules to rest, stay in bed, and to take it easy. . . So, around, 5:30pm, I was wheeled outside and brought home!

I was worried about complications and pain prior to the surgery, but never in my wildest dreams, did I imagine complications to this extent. I did not anticipate 6 days inpatient. I did not anticipate multiple ct scans or EKGs. I did not anticipate a blood transfusion. I did not anticipate the emotional impact that these complications would have. . .

Praise God that this is all behind me. Praise God that I am back home with my family. Praise God for all of those that kept all of us close in prayer this past week.

2 Years Ago. . .

March 2, 2009, I went to the doctor for the first of my 3 weekly non stress tests. As soon as the nurse attached the monitors and left the room, the contractions began. Seeing as I was not supposed to have the baby for many more weeks, I thought they were nothing. She came back after 15 minutes and saw the strip. She then called for the doc and after this things went crazy. I was transferred to the hospital. Administered drugs to try and stop the contractions. Given fluids. Had sonograms to check on the baby. Had consults with the high risk group. Finally, when the labor would not stop, the decision was made to deliver asap given my history of placental abruptions. Things happened SO fast. I was wheeled into the OR and administered a spinal. Before I knew it my husband was at my side and I was sobbing. It was only minutes before they announced that the baby was a boy! And then, there was no cry. My husband ran over to be at his side and they all ran to the NICU where he was intubated. They finished my surgery and brought me to the recovery room. The neonatologist came in and told us that the baby was sick. very sick. . .

March 2, 2009 was a day I will never forget. It would a very long and hard 36 hours before I was able to see my precious baby and touch him with 1 finger ~ NO stroking.

March 2, 2009, was the start of a long hard road, mentally and physically.

March 2, 2009 was the day that has changed our lived forever.

Ready Or Not, Here I come. . .

WOW! I honestly never thought the day would get here and now we are just over 15 hours from my surgery. . .

I have started to prepare my body physically for all it will endure during the surgery. I have prepared the house for my absence. The clothes are clean. There are meals in the freezer and fridge. It is clean! I have prepped the kiddos that mommy will be in the hospital. My husband and I are on the same page. My bag is packed for my stay in the hospital. I can not think of another thing to do or that needs to be done. . .

Yet, I still feel like there is something that needs to be done. Something that I am missing. Something that will eat at me until I figure it out. . .

36 hours and counting. . .

In just 36 hours, I will be rolled into the OR and prepped for surgery. The doctors and nurses will move around and do what they need to do. They will take care of my body and make sure that everything is going as planned. Should something go wrong, they will fix it. They will insert tubes and connect wires to my body. It will be just another day at work. . .

In just 36 hours, I will forever commit to lose a part of my body. A part that has housed 3 precious and beautiful lives. A part that I have a love/hate relationship with. A part that I have come to realize does not define me as a woman nor a mother. It will not be just like any other day for me. . .

Tonight, I will go to bed and tomorrow when I wake up, it will be my baby's second birthday. Two years since all of this began. . .

Pre-Op Jitters

Today is my pre-op appointment. I have never been as scared/worried/anxious of a surgery as I am this one. Like I have said before, it is fear that I have never felt before. . . I have never dealt with emotions of this intensity and I do not know how to deal with them. . .

It is not the surgery itself that I am scared of, as that is the easy part, and I have had my share of surgeries (this is #7 since the baby was born 2 years ago). But rather, the potential complications and pain. . . The last surgery I had, resulted in the worst pain I have ever experienced. And prior to that, after the baby was born, I ended up inpatient for 2 weeks and then sent home on a wound vac ~ OUCH! And all of the ones inbetween had their own issues ~ only 2 went as planned. . .

So, as I go into this appointment today, I have my list of questions, my Rosary in my pocket, and my prayer that this will go as planned and there will be no complications or abnormal pain afterwards. . .