Still Waiting. . .

Well, so far, this nerve block has not worked like the other. I am having very little relief from it thus far. My sincerest prayer is that it has just not had time to stick to the nerve, but in the back of my head, I know that we are past that 24-48 hour period. While I still hope and pray, I am trying to mentally prepare my self for surgery. For #8 in 26 months. Something that I so badly do not want, but at the same time, I can not keep on like this. . .

I feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into a depression. I can still put on my mask and hide it, but inside I am frail and weak. I am not sure just how much longer I can fake that I am okay. That I am dealing with all of this just fine. That life will go on. . .

I look at my 3 precious kiddos everyday and I thank God for them. I thank God that even though each pregnancy came with its ups and downs, that they are still here. They keep me going, day in and day out. I look at my husband and thank God that our lives intersected that fateful day in June 2002. I could not make this journey without him next to me, cheering me on. He has held my hand through each surgery over the past two years. He has wiped my tears when things did not go as planned. He told me that he loved me regardless of the hardships that I brought. With these 4 people, I wake up each morning knowing that there is a journey ahead, but a journey that I can overcome. A journey that we can overcome.

So, as I try and mentally prepare for another trip to the OR, I am reminded that I am blessed. I am reminded that I am lucky. I am reminded that I have at least 4 cheerleaders cheering me on as we all travel this journey. I am reminded that God is in charge. He knew that I would, rather that WE would have this cross to carry. He knew that in the end, we would be grateful and see the why behind all of this. . .