Support System

I feel like my support system is falling apart. Those that I need most, are turning their backs and causing hurt instead of help and comfort. I have my incredible husband, friends, and some family support, but that which I truly desire is not there. . .

How do I make them see that I need them. My words are not working. My tears have no effect. My broken heart is not visible to them. . .

I need them so badly. To hold me and comfort me. To wipe my tears and tell me that they love me no less. To let me know that I will be no different. . .

Distractions from Reality

We are just returning from a week away in the mountains. How absolutely wonderful it was to be away for so long and not worry about the day to day happenings all around us. Even though we had rather sick kiddos for the first half of the trip (the baby had Hand, Foot, Mouth Disease and Strep Throat and Ms. Priss had HFM) it was wonderful. My mind hardly ever wandered to the upcoming surgery until yesterday. . .

It hit me all of a sudden. The fear and anxiety that I had been feeling returned with a vengeance. Once again, plans have changed and with that comes a sense of uneasiness. I find myself once again questioning and wondering why me. I look around and want to scream I am too young for this. I want to run and hide and wake up to realize this is a bad dream. I so badly do not want this to be my reality. . .

But it is my reality. The reality that this surgery needs to occur. That a part of me is sick and needs to come out just as an appendix or gallbladder would. Only this is so different. This was my babies home. This is something that makes me uniquely a woman. This is my womb. . .

Tears Like A River. . .

The tears are here today and they will just not stop. At this point, I can not even tell you why I am crying, only that I am. . .

For many nights now, I have awoken in the middle of the night with my heart racing, my palms sweating, and crying. All because of my dreams ~ It is the same, night after night. I have the surgery and wake up in my hospital room. When I peel back the sheets to look at my belly, there is nothing there. A giant hole where my womb once was. . .

And then, all of my plans seem to be falling apart. I know that He knew this would happen, but I did not. I wanted things to happen my way and I wanted my way to be His way. I wish that He would just show me a crystal ball so that I knew what was going to happen ~ So that my heart stops hurting when things do not happen as I had hoped and desired.

My Love

Yesterday, I felt as if I needed prayers. I was feeling quite weak and vulnerable again. . . I am starting to think that I will feel like this until the surgery. That my emotions will go back and forth. That I will have highs and lows throughout the days. . . So, I asked for prayers. Something I am not good at, but felt that it needed to be done. I put it on facebook and received many wonderful, uplifting comments. But, the best one was from my husband:

"'My brothers, consider it a great joy when trials of many kinds come upon you, for you well know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance, and perseverance must complete its work so that you will become complete, not deficient in any way.' -James 1:2-4. I am here with you, holding your hand through this journey, ready to let go of your hand at a moments notice, not to abandon you, but to carry you."

I am one lucky girl!

Prayer for Peace ~ Past, Present, and Future

When I married Robert, he would always tell me that if you have one foot in the past and one in the future then you are tinkling in the present. . .

I am trying SO hard to keep this in mind. To keep both feet in the present. To not think of the what if's of prior days. . . What if I had had the endo surgery earlier, could this have been avoided. What if I had spoken to my doctor before things were where they are. What if. . . . And then, my mind wanders to after surgery. What if this surgery goes like all of the others and I have complications and I end up in the hospital for a longer period of time. Or if I have to use home health again. What if they get into my abdomen and realize that things are not what they expected. What if things go wrong, really wrong. What if. . .

I can make it most of the day without thinking too much, but then when the kiddos are in bed or the house is quiet, these thoughts creep in my head. No matter how hard I try, I just can not shake them. I am trying to remain positive and focus on the good, but when you have had many negative outcomes, that is quite hard. . .

I have found that I am turning to prayer more often then not. Prayer has always sustained me, but I am realizing again, just how powerful it is. How calming it is. How wonderful it is. I have found this little prayer which I say daily. . .

FORTIFY me with the grace of Your Holy Spirit and give Your peace to my soul that I may be free from all needless anxiety, solicitude and worry. Help me to desire always that which is pleasing and acceptable to You so that Your will may be my will.

17 Days. . .

I awoke this morning with a heaviness again. I wish that I could shake that feeling completely, but I am thinking that it might just be God's way of reminding me that I am human. That this is a major event in my life. That this is not going to be easy. . .

I keep going back to the fact that I am only 28. This is a surgery that my mom or grandma would have. This is a surgery for old people. This is not a surgery for me. . .

And then, without fail, I find myself doubled over in pain. Crying because I can not deal with it anymore and the I realize that this is a surgery for me. It is a surgery for a 28 year old. I think that is God's way of reminding me that this is the path that was given to me. . .

Change of Heart

It is incredible, how for many days, I felt as if my world was falling apart. I could not quit feeling sorry for my self. I could not stop questioning God. Asking Why Me. I am only 28. I only have 3 children. And then just when I thought things could not get any worse, I lost it. I sobbed. The kind of sob where you can not catch your breath. Where you are absolutely hysterical. I felt like my 3 year old. And then when it was over, it was over. I cleaned my face and tried to look on the bright side. I have been blessed 3 times. I was able to share 28 years of my life with my womb. I believe in a God that understands that I am human. There are so many out there that are not able to have children. That do not believe in God, any god. While I am still sad, the part of me that was angry and spiteful has left. I am still questioning God as to why this path was chosen for me and that answer I can not wait to find. But for now, I am trusting and believing and accepting of His will.

Tears of Joy :-)

For many nights now, I have dreamt of some change in my life. Whether it was the addition of a new child or a move to a new house or a new job. Something changed. At first I was quite puzzled as my dreams really never follow a pattern night after night. And then it hit me, I am preparing for a big change. A forever change. A change that will prevent me from ever carrying another life within. A change that will take part of the body God gave me away. A change that was always for "other people."

Last night, I awoke from my sleep crying. A good cry. A peaceful cry. The kind of cry you have when something you have worried about turns out to be okay. After the tears ended, my heart felt what my head knew ~ That everything would be fine. I would still be a woman. I would still be a wife, mother, sister, daughter, aunt. I would still be me.

Now, I pray that my heart does not lose sight of that in the next 19 days. That I will still have the same peace and knowledge then as I do now. That the fear and anxiety do not return, rather my confidence and trust remain.

Thank You, God.

For all You have given,
Thank You God.

For all You have withheld,
Thank You God.

For all You have withdrawn,
Thank You God.

For all You have permitted,
Thank You God.

For all You have prevented,
Thank You God.

For all You have forgiven me,
Thank You God.

For all You have prepared for me,
Thank You God.

For the death You have chosen for me,
Thank you God.

For the place you are keeping for me in heaven,
Thank You God.

For having created me to love You for eternity,
Thank You God.

Tears of. . .

…you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit. ~ Lemony Snicket

I can now say that I have had a good, long, well worth every second cry. It felt good to shed those tears. To attempt to rid myself of all of the many emotions and focus on the positive ~ Good health. Little, or even better, NO pain. Being able to be the wife and mother that I know I can be. And then for the first time, I became excited about the surgery. All of the fear left momentarily and was replaced by a joy and anticipation much like that same feeling you have prior to meeting your brand new baby. Words could not describe it. Then, as fast as the wonderful feelings came, they were gone and replaced by a mourning. A mourning for what I always thought I would have and will now never have. A mourning for how my plans are not His plans. How I do not understand His will for me at this point. . .

And then I was reminded by something my mother always said: If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans!

WOW! How true is that. I have had plans laid out. And now it seems like all of that is falling to pieces. And as hard as it is to say, that is okay. He has all of this in His master plan and I must accept and not question that. Things will happen in the way He wanted. I will be able to recover fully and rest appropriately. My house will be clean. We will eat. My children will be cared for. Not the way I wanted or anticipated, but the way that He knows.

And then, in the midst of my tears, my incredible husband walked in the door with these. . . Daisies, sunflowers, tulips. . . PERFECT

21 Days

In just 21 days, things will change. A part of me will be forever gone. Will I feel an emptiness inside or will it feel like nothing has happened? Will I still feel like a woman? How will I feel about my womb being discarded, just thrown away? Afterall, it is part of me. It cocooned three precious lives for a total of 105 weeks. My womb has grown with me. Together we have triumphed over hardships. . .

God set out this path for me and I must embrace it. This is His will and I need not question that. I need to praise Him and thank Him for giving me all the blessings that He has granted. I need to accept His will. . .

I also need to realize I will be a woman regardless of what I have or do not have. A uterus does not make a woman a woman. Yes, I will be missing a part, but I will still be the wife, mother, daughter, sister aunt that I am today. My head knows this, but my heart struggles greatly. . .

My Blessings

The Journey Towards Today. . .

Robert and I married in November of 2003. Life was grand! We bought our first house and in the Summer of 2004, I became pregnant with our first child. Robert III was born in April of 2005 via emergency c-section due to a velementous cord and a placental abruption. All of my doctors agreed that one abruption with no risk factors (drug use, elevated blood pressure, etc) is a fluke and the cord issues were just by chance. So, there were to be no concerns for future pregnancies. . .

In the summer of 2006, I was pregnant with baby #2 and we knew that things would be great. I was seeing the Maternal / Fetal Specialist just in case. The pregnancy was quite eventful with pre-term labor, but absolutely no signs of abruption. Hannah was born in March of 2007 again via emergency c-section because of another placental abruption. At this point we knew something was not right. . .

By the summer of 2008, I again, became pregnant. This time, my doctors ordered an entire lab workup. I was told that it would take close to a month for all of the results and I was completely shocked when I received a phone call after just 8 days. They told me to come in right away. At this appointment, I was told that I have Factor V Leiden, MTHFR Mutation, and Protein S Deficiency. From this point until the end of the pregnancy, I was to take twice daily heparin injections, baby aspirin, and many B vitamins to prevent blood clots. At 33 weeks, labor began and the doctors were not able to stop it. Fearing that I might abrupt, the decision was made for another emergency c-section. Wesley was born in March of 2009. He went straight to NICU and spent the first part of his life there. At this point, we were told by all doctors that another pregnancy would most likely end with my life, our babies life, or both. . .

After his birth, my complications began. While I had always had certain issues, I never knew that they were not normal or a sign that anything was wrong. By the time that Wesley was 8 weeks old, I had been to the OR two more times. I also spent many weeks in the care of home health. At 12 weeks, I went into Physical Therapy to try and rebuild by core muscles as they had suffered a lot of damage from the surgeries. I was also suffering from a lot of pain in my lower abdomen.

All of this continued for about a year. When Wesley turned one, things went from bad to worse. I finally had the courage to talk to my doctor about all of my personal issues and he referred me to a surgeon. Upon exam and ultrasound, this doctor diagnosed me with severe endometriosis, adenomyosis, and bilateral inguinal hernias. I was so excited to have names for what has plagued me since I was a teenager and after nearly 15 years, these issues would dissipate. . . Or so we hoped. He was ready to schedule a hysterectomy at this appointment as things were that intense, but I was no where near ready. So on a dreary Tuesday, I was rolled into the OR to repair the hernias and remove as much of the endometriosis that he could. What was supposed to be a 90 surgery, lasted over 3 1/2 hours. I woke from the surgery in incredible pain that was not typical post-op pain. Within a few days it was so bad that I had to return to him and the ER and it was there that we realized that a nerve was caught in the hernia graft and I had developed a large hematoma.

After a few months, I realized that this surgery had not helped. The issues that I was having prior were still there. I went back to my primary doctor where he referred me to another surgeon. After speaking with this surgeon, we decided to try one more thing ~ progesterone. This caused its own issues, so that had to be discontinued and this surgeon, not feeling qualified enough, referred me to a GYN Oncologist for consultation. Our first appointment lasted over an hour. He spent the time and answered all of the questions Robert and I had. He comforted us and told us to come back in a few weeks to discuss further. After 2 weeks, I developed a uterine infection and was told by this doctor that now, the surgery has to be done. . .

On Thursday, March 3, the day after my baby turns 2, I will be rolled into the operating room and my doctor will perform a total hysterectomy. Please pray with me that this will be the end of it. That after this, the issues and pain that I have dealt with for 15 years will be alleviated. That life will be great and I can be the wife and mother that my husband and children so desperately need.

Hooked On A Feeling. . .

I am embarrassed and I am not sure why. Maybe because I am only 28. Maybe because I never saw this coming. Maybe because I feel in some way that because I am embarrassed that I also come across as ungrateful for all of the gifts my womb has given me. Maybe because others do not understand the attachment I have to my womb. . .

My goal is to not be embarrassed. To embrace the next 22 days that I will share with my womb and enjoy them. To show my appreciation for the gift of life that it has provided three incredible times. To accept the cross that has been given to me. To move on. . .

Sts. Cosmas and Damian, pray for me.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." ~ Frank Herbert

Fear has a tight grip on me right now. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the what ifs. Fear of it all. Along with that fear is an anxiety like I have never experienced. It is the I can not eat, can not sleep, can hardly function kind of anxiety. . . I know one thing for sure and that it is all relating to the surgery. Will I still be a woman and feel like a woman afterwards? How will I cope with the fact that bearing children will be something I will never do again? So many questions that I just do not know the answer too. . .

I am turning to friends who have been there. I am also turning to prayer. Sts. Cosmas and Damian were skilled doctors who treated their patients for free. They are the patron saints of surgeons. . . We will add a little prayer to them in our nightly rosary. . .

While I know the root of my fear and anxiety, it is still hard. Hard to accept and deal with. Hard to understand why God has put this in my path. While I am trying to not question His will for me, I am. . . I am trying to accept this and find the positive in it and stop asking why me? . . .

Before long, the waiting will be over and I will be left wondering WHY I was so concerned. . .

Thank you for the gift of life!

As I prepare for the upcoming surgery, I want to thank my body for all that it has done. . .

For as long as I can remember, I have only wanted to be a wife and a mother. Both of those dreams have come true, but the last one could not have occurred without the gift of my femininity. After my precious baby was born 23 months ago, I was told that my womb should never be used to house another life. Those that know me, know about those struggles. This was a hard reality as I had always wanted a houseful of children. . . In fact, when asked how many children I wanted, my response was always "as many as God will give me." Never did I think that would be ONLY 3. . . But, I still had my womb should things one day change. . .

Now with the surgery in sight, those dreams are forever changed. My body will never grow another life. I will never feel a little one under my ribs kick me as s/he tries to squirm again. I will never again have the opportunity to hold my baby shortly after they are born from my womb. . .A part of me is dieing. . . This is my reality and I must accept it and move on. . .

Before that happens though, I need to tell my womb thank you. Thank you for helping me to realize my dreams of becoming a mother. Thank you for guiding me through 3 full pregnancies. Thank you for all of the pain and headaches you have caused. Thank you for everything. . .

The Essence of Being a Woman

What makes a woman a woman? Is it something physical? Something inside? What exactly is it?

Websters dictionary defines femininity as: the quality or nature of the female sex. Wikipedia defines it as: female qualities attributed specifically to women and girls.

Both definitions are good, but neither of them answer the specific question of what makes a woman a woman. This leaves me to wonder if those that have surgery to remove their reproductive organs via a hysterectomy or their breasts via a mastectomy, does this take away from who they are as a woman?

In speaking with many that have been down the hysterectomy road, I am realizing that the answer to this is no. You do not come out of the operating room any less of a woman then who you were when you entered. If this is true, why then, do I feel like I will be someone I do not know when I am rolled through those doors after surgery. That I will be an entirely different person. . .

Fear of the unknown is has a tight grip on me right now. The anxiety is nearly out of control. I pray that time will pass rather quickly until March 3 and then I will wake up afterwards and realize first hand just how wrong I was. . .