SO. . .

We, well I guess this should be I, have heard yet again, from yet another doctor the exact same thing. I truly thought that, with the hysterectomy, that my days of second, third, fourth, and so on opinions were over. Hopefully they are now as the diagnosis of illioinguinal neuralgia and, possibly genitofemoral neuralgia is what I am still given, much like I was always told a hyst was the only way. . .

He was not a 'pill pusher' or appeared to be a doc that would be shut down by the FDA like this local clinic. Always a HUGE relief when you hear that this is a 'pain clinic.' I feel confident in his knowledge and LOVE his nurse practitioner - she is a very holistic lady and not only saw me as a patient, but one that is also struggling. She helped me greatly and acknowledged my pain. She in a way, understood like not many others can. Together, they all make a great team. . .

After a physical exam and history by both he and his nurse practitioner, we spoke about what the diagnosis is and what it means in terms of living. While I still push myself to extremes, I would like to do so without hurting greatly. After speaking openly and honestly, we were given options. Some were the same as last time, others not so much. They included: *Nerve Blocks; *Radiofrequency Ablation/Cryoablation; *Spinal Cord Stimulators; *Lyrica

After speaking openly and honestly, we decided to go with the least invasive - the Lyrica. I will start the med tonight and pray that it goes well. I return in 2 weeks to see how it is going, if the med is working, etc etc. I feel hopeful and renewed. He was completely different from the doctor here at UF/Shands and so was his clinic.

So, I guess that time will tell! I am VERY optimistic that this IS the answer!

ANOTHER Opinion. . .

Well, after 2 weeks of incredible pain, speaking to my doctor, discerning with my spouse, and praying for wisdom, I decided to call yet another doctor that come recommended by not only our doctor but one of Robert's co-workers. I was expecting to be told that they do not have any appts for ___ weeks, but sure enough, they had a cancellation at the location that is the most convenient for us. So, we took it. . .

Tomorrow at 2, I go to this doctor. I pray for wisdom and guidance. For knowledge and strength. I need relief. . . desperately. I am beyond tired of feeling somewhat better, and doing something ever so little and paying for it for days, or like this 'flare' lasting weeks. When I agreed to the hysterectomy that took place nearly 7 months ago, it was the final resort. I so badly want to go back in time and say NO and not let them do it, but I know that will never happen. I just desperately want for this chapter to end. . .

This appointment tomorrow has me full of anxiety. I am scared and I am weary. I am trying to trust with all that I can that this is His will. I am trying to put all of my anxiety and fear into His hands. I am trying to lean on my faith and know that He knows all of this. He knows when this will end. He knows what the outcome of tomorrow will be. He knows this and I know that He will give me the strength, but I am scared. I am human. . .

Fullfillment

With the events of the past two days - the death of young man and the birth of a precious baby girl - I have been overcome with emotions. I have been joyous of for this family that has longed for this precious one for SO long and I have grieved deeply for this young family who just lost their husband/father. With this, I have been selfishly thinking about my family. My feelings about the way that life is right now. . .

After the kiddos went to bed last night, Robert and I sat on the couch. We were watching TV and reading - just passing the time, and I asked him a question that has been eating at me for a while - but especially these past few days. I asked:

ARE YOU CONTENT WITH OUR FAMILY?

As soon as I asked it, I knew what his answer would be - Hands down, yes. He then turned it around and asked me if I was content with our family. My answer - Hands down, no. Now it is not discontentment in that I am ungrateful, rather it is not what I expected. I cherish *almost* each and every moment with my children. I am absolutely in awe of my family, but I greatly miss that feeling of growing a baby within. The feeling of bringing forth new life. The feeling of knowing that you are responsible for this incredible creation. This masterpiece made by God. 

I asked my mother today if, after John David's birth and death nearly 10 years ago, if she was content with the family she had or if she longed for more. Is it a mother thing? Or is it an I want what I can't have thing? Or a combination of it all? I do not know. But I do know that I desperately want that fulfillment. That feeling of being finished. Of being complete.

**Please understand that by stating this, I am not saying that I am ungrateful in any way. There are just times that I feel like there is a puzzle piece missing. I truly believe that this is because I always imagined my life differently and also because I KNOW that possibility of carrying another child within is gone. One day, if God so desires for us to adopt we will. But for now, until both Robert and I, IF Robert and I, decide that it is time and HE agrees with that, we will just enjoy our time as a family of 5. Again, I am NOT being ungrateful. I KNOW just how lucky we are to have children and I am beyond grateful that God saw fit for us to be parents and to care for His child.**

A Weighty Issue

I have eluded to it before, but now it is real and ridiculous. I have reached an unpregnant high for me. . . I am not going to give numbers as that is just too much for me to deal with, let just say, I weigh as much now as I did when I delivered Wesley. Granted, I only gained 12 pounds, but still, it is hard to swallow. Nobody else is worried or concerned, but I am horrified. I am freaking out. I am embarrassed beyond words. . .

Those that know me well, know that the scale and I do NOT get a long AT all! In fact, we are enemies. One time, I was so frustrated with the number it said, that I threw my $50 scale away! We absolutely, positively do not get along. . .

Now I know that it is normal to gain weight after a hysterectomy. That is par for the course. I hope that I would be immune from that, but I am not. I also know that with lack of activity it is normal to gain weight. Well, with my fabulous illioinguinal and genitofemoral nerves, walking around the block or even going on a bike ride are quite difficult and painful.

I long for the day when I can be active without 'paying for it.' I want so badly to move beyond this. To go on with my life. To finish God's will for me and my family, but it feels like the harder I try to move beyond the surgery, the more issues come up or refuse to dissipate.

January 2009 (5 weeks before Wes was born) / September 2011

6 Months Out

I just went through and re-read most everything from the past 6 months and beyond and to be honest, I am feeling quite overwhelmed. So much has changed in all aspects of life. I can not say whether it is for better or for worse, but it is all in what He planned for me, for my family. . . And that is one reality that I am holding onto. . .

• My relationship with my husband is stronger than it has ever been. Times of stress can either help or hurt, and in our case, it has helped. When I am at my weakest points, he will stand there and hold my hand. Wipe my tears. Comfort me.
• From a surgical standpoint, I am healed. The docs say that the standar rule is 6 months post op for life to become more 'normal.' While I would not agree with the normal part, I would agree that the surgical healing is complete.
• My hormones are finally starting to figure themselves out. I think the quasi-menopausal symptoms I was having have nearly all stopped.
• I still get very tired very easily and my immune system is not what it was prior, but I think that is just because my body is tired.
• My belly will occasionally swell still, especially after a day where I have done a lot.
• The nerve(s). Oh how I wish this would just go away. They have been really bothersome lately. Lots and lots of pain from them. I return to the doc in November for the "test" block and I am praying that it works so we can move onto the RFA - or even better, that this all settles before that point and none of it is needed.
• I have made all of the contacts needed to teach NFP and I am just waiting on the money from the diocese to take the classes.

This is not what I expected last February when the doc told me this had to happen. This is not what I ever saw in my future. But this is what we have been handed. There is so much to be thankful for. So much that He has already blessed me with. So much that I am undeserving of.

Thank you for all of the love, support, encouragement, and prayers. This journey has been tough and is not quite over, but is definitely doable compared to what others deal with. . .

Insurance ~ Again!

I received a letter in the mail today from our insurance carrier. It was addressed to me and it was not in the typical explanation of benefits envelope. My first thought was that it was another bill for something. Then I opened it. . .

The first few sentences were typical medical insurance mumbo jumbo, so I skipped to the important part where one word stood out like a sore thumb

D - E - C - L - I - N - E - D

It took me a moment to figure out what this was and before long I understood. This was for the Spinal Cord Stimulator. Apparently, they already sent it off to see if insurance would cover this device.In the letter, it stated that this therapy is considered experimental. . . much like the cryoablation that they denied a few months back!

The good thing is that this does not really matter since this was an option that we would not even consider!