One Year Ago. . .

On this day last year, two things, two BIG things, changed. . .

The first of which was, I officially became a stay-at-home mommy! Something that my husband and I had dreamed about for so long, and it finally came true! There have definitely been many obstacles financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc etc, but even with all of that we have had to overcome, I would not trade this for the world. Watching my children, teaching my children, is such a gift and one that I am ever so grateful to have. That last day with my precious kiddos at school and incredible assistant and co-workers was very bittersweet though. We all miss them greatly and love our 'visits' with them. . .
(The picture is of us bidding farewell to daddy on our first day home!)

The second, the word hysterectomy was spoken at a doctors appointment. I had heard it for the prior 16 months, but this was a new doctor, one that I was seeing ONLY for endometriosis. . . certainly not a hysterectomy. We, Robert and I, left that appointment not knowing where to turn. We did know that we needed time to think about which surgery we would do and get other opinions. Obviously, we decided upon the endometriosis dissection which took place in late September and turned out to be more extensive than any of us thought. What began as a simple 90 minute surgery took well over 3 1/2 hours. Also, what he thought was just endometriosis, turned out to be adenomyosis, uterine polyps, and bi-lateral inguinal hernias on top of the the significant endo suprise. We were not prepared for any of that, but then again, who is ever truly prepared for what life throws at them?

Anyhow, this was a day that I will always remember. One that is forever etched on my heart, much like the birth of my children, my anniversary, all of the other important dates that us mothers hold onto forever. . .

**To celebrate today being 1 year of being home raising my children, I took everyone to the zoo for the day. . .the temp was only upper 90's with a heat index well into the 100's, but despite that, we managed to stay hydrated and have a great time :-)

(Our stylish arrival at the zoo ~ Everyone in their sunglasses!)


(Hannah and Aahliya "washing their hair" at the splash park!)

(Hannah "washing her hair" and Wesley fighting her for control of the manatee!)


(Robert enjoying the cold water!)

**To celebrate one year of that fateful doctors appointment, I had a good cry and snuggle with my three blessings!

My Baby

Tonight, after dinner, Wesley was trying to get out of his chair by himself. The result was not what he intended and he ended up hitting his head on the floor. I quickly scooped him up and began comforting him while asking him where it hurt and searching for any signs of a 'true' injury. Upon seeing that there was no blood and that he was indeed okay, I rocked him back and forth saying, "it's okay, sweet baby, it's okay." Wesley, stopped crying, lifted his head off of my shoulder and VERY firmly said, "I NOT baby." I knew that this day would come, but he is only 2 years, 4 months, and 23 days old. . . really? already? I am a sad, sad mommy tonight. . .

Thank you, God :-)

I thank God everyday that the decision was taken out of my hands. I will forever remember that day in January when my doctor wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed. He told me that it was time to schedule my total hysterectomy. That it was now his decision that this be done and if I canceled it, as I threatened to do, that he would reschedule. And thus began the countdown to March 3, 2011. . .

Slowly, we are easing into a new normal. The scars are fading, which I am both grateful for and hate. I am having an easier time talking about my hysterectomy and sharing my story. The pain is still very present and I am anxiously awaiting my appointment on August 8th with the pain med docs. . .

I feel like I am following God's plan for my life at this very moment, and that is an awesome feeling!

THE Test

This past week, I had a doctors appt where they needed to know prior if I was pregnant. The nurse led me to a bathroom where the container was and told me to leave it on the shelf when I was done. I, knowing what this was for, told her that it was not necessary because I had a hysterectomy 139 days prior. For the next 35 minutes, she and I spoke about this. . .

Of course, there were the standard questions of why? Who? Where? But she also keyed into a very important part of it that is so often overlooked. She asked me how I was dealing with this emotionally. . . The only people that ask me how I am are those that suffer from infertility. Others just make mention of how nice it is to not have to walk down 'that' aisle anymore. What those do not understand is that I would love to walk down 'that' aisle again. To have 'that' problem. 'That Problem' is something that I miss greatly, but like I have said before, 'that problem' was a true problem for me. . .

The Path of Love

When Robert and I married nearly 8 years ago, we vowed to be true to one another in good times and in bad. In sickness and in health. To honor each other all the days of our lives. We both knew that in saying this, we were making a lifelong commitment to the other and to God. One that we could never get out of for any reason. We were also young and a bit naive. We thought that we were above all problems. . . in sickness? bad times? Does a cold and an argument about dinner count?! This was the magnitude of our issues. . .

Then came Robert's pregnancy which was picture perfect until delivery. We will never forget April 8 of that year as we were sitting at the doctors office. I was contracting at 37wks and with each contraction, his heart rate decelerated. Finally, it went down and never came up. Our doctor rushed in and told us to get to the hospital asap as I needed an emergency c-section or we would lose the baby. . . Our pastor and my family met us there. We prayed. We cried. We rejoiced that the baby was still alive. After the c-section, my doctor informed me that I had a velementous cord and only 1/3 of it was attached to the placenta. On top of that, I was in the midst of a placental abruption, the same thing that claimed the life of my brother just 4 years prior. . .

When Little Robert was 4 months old, we had to make the hard decision to move away from my family and head to Jacksonville, FL, where his family lived a job was. This was a very hard time in our marriage. A lot of stress and anxiety. We were both starting new jobs, living with his mother, and I was away from my family for the first time in 22 years. . .

Shortly after we bought our 2nd house in our 2 years of marriage, we became pregnant with Hannah. Her pregnancy was nothing like Robert's. I was told from the get go that she would not make it, but sonogram after sonogram proved the docs wrong! I was having to get progesterone injections multiple times a week to *try* and prevent pre-term labor. At 20.3 weeks, I was admitted for the first of many times in labor. This continued for the next 13 weeks when she finally made her emergent arrival at 36 weeks because of another placental abruption. . .

When she turned 1, we bought and sold another home, only to find out that I, once again, was pregnant. This time, I was scared. We were scared. My docs ordered a bunch of tests that showed some issues with my clotting factors and thus began the process of twice daily heparin injections and 2-3 doc visits a week until Wesley arrived at 7 months gestation. At 36 hours I was able to touch him with 1 finger and NO stroking as I could not stimulate him. While he was having his issues, I was having my own. Normally you go home 3 days after a c-section. Well, that time frame came and went. Finally, after a week, I was discharged, only to re-admitted 12 hours later for another week. Thus began the journey of the last 2 1/2 years. . .

I must honestly say that since Wesley's birth, our marriage has had more ups and downs than I can count. So much that I can easily see where people would say 'I am done' and walk away. But, I go back to our vows that we both took. Neither of us knew that this is what was in our future, but God did and He is giving us the strength, endurance, and love to make it through these rough times.

For many, these struggles would tear them apart, but for Robert and I, it has brought us together in ways I never could have imagined. It has done so much for us and while the trials are not over and there are still obstacles that lay ahead, I could not imagine any of it without him by my side, holding my hand and encouraging me with every step. Being my cheerleader when I am not. Holding me and wiping my tears as I cry. Being there for me. . .

The Future

I have been asked about adoption many times, by many people, so I thought that I would write about it. Although no one knows for sure what the future holds, there are goals and dreams that we all have. Here are mine. . .

I always envisioned being the crazy home birthing woman. When Robert came via an emergency c-section, I knew that the home birth part would have to be re-considered. We were very lucky to be able to have a private transition and spend those precious first hours together as a new family. 23 months later, when Hannah came via another emergency c-section for another placental abruption that we were told would never happen, I knew that most likely c-sections would be the way I would deliver. Also with Hannah, she had to go to the NICU for a few hours because of the amount of blood she ingested during the abruption. She was 7 hours old when I was finally able to hold her. Fast forward another 23 months to Wesley's early and once again emergent arrival where I knew that my chances of becoming pregnant again and carrying safely to term for both baby and myself were not good. He was 36 hours old before I was even able to lay eyes on him. . .

Slowly, God has prepared me for this day. Each pregnancy and delivery, came with new challenges that I now see are part of His plan for me and my family. He has slowly prepared my heart and mind for the day when I would no longer be able to carry a child within. The day when I would no longer hold my newborn baby immediately after their arrival. The day when I could look back and say thank you for the struggles that you laid out for me, for us. . .

When Robert and I first married, nearly 8 years ago, we spoke openly about children and adoption. It was and still is something that we are open to. Something that we are waiting to feel our hearts pulled in that direction. Right now, we do not feel pulled in that direction, but that can certainly change at any moment. We know that there are so many children that need a good, loving home. One that we we can provide them with.

God has already placed many families in our lives who have already traveled this route and can guide us. Good friends (who also happened to 'introduce' Robert and I) have traveled the private adoption path and are now beginning the foster route. And there are so many others. God has certainly prepared us!

So, the answer is, YES. This is something that we are considering when the time is right. And we both feel strongly that if it is meant to be, that it will happen.

Our Gift of Fertility

As I contemplate another month gone since my hysterectomy, I am reminded of the awesome gift that so many take for granted ~ Our fertility. I have said it many times, but it is very true. I was one of them until my 3rd pregnancy when I was warned of the risks and informed that more pregnancies could cost me my life and/or that of our unborn baby. Then, when he came nearly two months early and all of my complications arose, things became even more real. . .

At first, I was okay with it. This was God's will and I was scared. The thought of another baby in the NICU or a mommy who has to have Home Health after giving birth, was terrifying. As time continued, the fear lessened and the longing increased, but life went on. Problems continued and doctors continued to warn against pregnancy and push for the hysterectomy that I did not want. Finally, on March 3, exactly 24 months and 1 day after the birth of our youngest, it happened.

Now, like so many out there, the longing has intensified tenfold. I know so many who want with all they have to carry a child within, but are not able to. I have some dear friends that are only able to carry a child within for a few weeks, maybe months, before that precious one returns to our Heavenly Father. It is heartbreaking.. Others, despite all of their efforts are unable to ever become pregnant. To see those that you love and cherish hurting is hard. And in a way, you hurt with them. Their pain is felt. It is real. It is your own.

I feel so pulled, so called to help others understand this gift. The miracle that it is. Our fertility is a gift from God. It is one that needs to be respected. One that needs to be cherished. One that needs to be better understood by all.

Good Saint Anne, you were especially favored by God to be the mother of the most holy Virgin Mary, the Mother of our Savior. By your power with your most pure daughter and with her divine Son, kindly obtain for us the grace and the favor we now seek. Please secure for us also forgiveness of our past sins, the strength to perform faithfully our daily duties and the help we need to persevere in the love of Jesus and Mary. Amen.

Saint Anne is not only the mother of Mary, but the Patron Saint of Fertility.