From the Mouth of Babes. . .

Today we ran an errand to the store for some groceries. One item on the list was diapers. . . We buy store brand, and there was 1 box in the very back. Because of the nerve pain, I am unable to bend, or get into a position that would allow me easy access. So, my 6 year old, seeing that mommy was having trouble, crawled to the back to get the diapers. When he came out, he put his hand on my tummy and told me that he will always be help me until my tummy feels better and then he kissed right where his hand was. Immediately my eyes filled with tears. . .

I love how observant he was to my needs, but I absolutely hate that they realize this. I wish that I could hide it from them, but I do not know how. I wish that I could hide the pain on my face. I wish that they did not know exactly where my heating pad is and how to work it or where the frozen peas are and where I need them on my belly. I wish so much, but this is our reality and I must make the most out of it. . .

A Life of It's Own

Growing up, I was the one that was going to be like the old woman that lives in a shoe. I wanted to have a HUGE family. I love the chaos and fun. I love the relationships formed between siblings. I love it all. Having 'just' 3 was never what I thought would be in my plan. . . His plan for me. . .

No, I am not taking for granted what I have. I am blessed beyond words with these three and I have said that many times, I just never thought that this was His plan for me. After talking with many, it is an absolute miracle that I was able to conceive these precious babies as there are so many that can not. Please understand, that I am not in any way ungrateful for what I have been given. Or that for one minute I take this for granted. . .

When The docs first mentioned a hysterectomy, during my 3rd emergency c-section in March of 2009, I was shocked. We had already been told the risks of becoming pregnant again, that it would most likely be my life, the babies life, or both. But a hysterectomy? Things settled for a bit and then, at 12 1/2 months, the baby weaned and things progressively became worse. . .

By the summer/fall, I had surgeries to remove some endometriosis, polyps, and cysts. This worked for a month, and then things became unbearable. I was sent from surgeon to surgeon when I finally ended up with one that said my only hope what a total hysterectomy. I begged for another option. I sought out other opinions. Everybody and everything kept coming back to him. At the appointment where it was scheduled, I was sobbing. He looked at me and told me that this was his decision. That I have lost all say in this. This made me feel better, but I still felt like part of me was dying. . .

I looked far and wide for a twenty-something who had been through this, but could find no one. The youngest I found was mid thirties. . . I am 28. . . I wanted to know what it was like. How their recovery was. Why they had one. So many questions and so little answers. This was one of the hardest things. . . the feeling of isolation. . .

That is why I stated this blog. I wanted to give other young twenty-somethings hope. I wanted to let them know that they are not alone. I want them to know that if nothing else I care. I truly, deeply care. . . .

As the days have turned into weeks, and the weeks into months, this blog has turned into a great outlet for me as well. A way to share my feelings. My emotions. My struggles. My battles, both internal and external. My dreams. My prayers. A way to share it all. As the time continues, I have thought about stopping, but I enjoy this. I enjoy putting this out there. I enjoy not holding things inside. I enjoy this outlet. . .

So, this blog is going to incorporate all things feminine now. I will share being a mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend. I will share myself. I will continue to share my recovery, but there will be more as I have enjoyed this far more than I ever imagined.

So, thank you to all that have encouraged me along this tough road. This road that I never though I would travel. . .

The Solemnity of the Most Holy Body and Blood of Christ

Today's Readings:

• The First Reading: Deuteronomy 8: 2-3, 14-16

• Psalm: Psalms 147: 12-15, 19-20

• The Second Reading: 1 Corinthians 10: 16-17

• Gospel: John 6: 51-58

Since the surgery, it has been very hard to go to Mass as typically my pain is worse in the morning and night ~ right when Mass is. Tonight, even though I was hurting a lot, I felt like I needed to go regardless. I could not tell you what it was that made me push through the pain, but I am glad that I went. . .

As children can sometimes be, they were full of energy tonight. Before long, we had to leave the main church and head to the 'cry room' in the back. I have never been fond of the cry room as most of the time, parents just let their kiddos run wild in there. . . As it turned out, we were the only ones in there! I got them settled just as the Gospel was being finished and the homily was beginning. The kiddos were a bit worried as they know when we have to leave church, that it means they are in trouble. Perfect timing for them to be quiet as I was moved beyond words by the homily. . .

Fr. Than, our Pastor, focused on suffering and pain! He spoke about redemptive suffering, that we as Catholics believe in. He spoke about the graces that can be obtained through offering this up. He spoke on and on and about how God will challenge us with these obstacles. Fr. Than told a very moving story about a father, his son, and the son's friend. By the end of the homily, I was in tears. . .

After the final blessing, as we were packing up our books, we saw Mr. Richard, the seminarian. This was my first time to see him since my surgery and already feeling emotional from the readings and homily, I began to cry. He said a few things and gave me a great hug that was comparable to what your dad would give you when you are little. He prayed with me for a quick second, but that quick prayer brought me peace and comfort. . .

As we were leaving Mass, we had the opportunity to see Fr. Than and Fr. Sal, our associate Pastor. Once again, I was moved to tears by just being in their presence. I told Fr. Than thank you for such a beautiful homily and just how much it touched me. Fr. Sal, who became a priest after his wife passed away, gave me a big squeeze, that was just as good as my Grampy's were. . .

I am so glad that I followed my heart and listened. I am glad that I pushed past the pain. I am even glad that the kiddos acted up so that we moved to the cry room, for if we had not, I would have been focusing more on keeping them quiet and behaving instead of listening. . .

So Long Chiropractor. . .

Well, after giving it all I had, the decision has been made to end the chiropractor sessions. It was a hard one to make as I so desperately wanted this very non-invasive treatment to work. But, with my pain intensifying with each treatment, we all felt that it was not helping. . .

I am not thrilled about this at all. It leaves me once again discouraged that maybe dealing with the pain will become my new normal. That dealing with this pain will become my life. I do not want that. If this is my path in life, so be it, but there has to be something that can ease it. Something that will allow me to do what I need to do without the intense pain. Like I have said before, something has got to give. . .

So, this now leaves 3 docs since the surgery, that have thrown their hands up and said they do not know. They all agree that it is the illioinguinal nerve and that the nerve needs to be treated, but all of the non-invasive techniques they have tried have failed. All 3 have told me that the doc at U and F is an 'expert' and have sent him my charts/records, but we shall see. . .

I am trying to trust that this is His plan, but honestly, I am having a hard time with that right now. I know that our God is incredible. I know that He loves us beyond what we can dream of. I know that he will never give us more than we can handle, but I have to ask why. Why the pain. I am beginning to understand the surgery, but why this?

Once again, I find myself turning to Saints Cosmos and Damian and Saint Gianna Beretta Molla. They are all great sources of comfort for me. . .

God's Plan

As I sit here and write this out, I am feeling a huge mix of emotions. Lately, I have been surrounded by life, new life. It seems that everywhere I go, there is a pregnant lady. Very often I get 'that call' from a friend telling me that they are expecting. I am joyous for them. Grateful that they are understanding, respecting, and cherishing their gift of fertility. Praying that they understand just how sacred of a gift this is. How quickly it can be gone. . .

I have said that looking at my life, I envisioned it being full of children. I am one of 9 and I wanted that many if not more. . .Since the surgery and talking to many more professionals, I have come to realize that it is a true miracle that I have 3 beautiful blessings here. Maybe I just have to change the way that I looked at it. That all of those children were mine through adoption or that those were children of couples who conceived through the tools that I *hopefully* will one day provide them with. But regardless, I still struggle with the loss of my primary fertility. . .

So many take this gift for granted. So many do not think twice about their fertility, just see it as a bother once a month. Then there are those that want and long for that child yet can not conceive or carry a child within for as long as needed. My heart absolutely breaks for all of those suffering. For all of those who have lost children whether it was right after conception or days before a due date. You still grieve. You still hurt. You still mourn. . .

Although these are two seperate issues, they are both infertility. One may not experience the loss of a child, but you still experience the loss of a part of yourself. Almost a secondary infertility of sorts in that you overcame it once, but this one has you. . . This one you can not move past either from emotional restraint or physical. This time you are almost a victim. . .

I never thought that I would seek out an infertility group, but that is exactly what I have done. These women feel and understand the longing and heartache. Like so many, I never thought that I would be 'one of them' . . .