6 Months Out

I just went through and re-read most everything from the past 6 months and beyond and to be honest, I am feeling quite overwhelmed. So much has changed in all aspects of life. I can not say whether it is for better or for worse, but it is all in what He planned for me, for my family. . . And that is one reality that I am holding onto. . .

• My relationship with my husband is stronger than it has ever been. Times of stress can either help or hurt, and in our case, it has helped. When I am at my weakest points, he will stand there and hold my hand. Wipe my tears. Comfort me.
• From a surgical standpoint, I am healed. The docs say that the standar rule is 6 months post op for life to become more 'normal.' While I would not agree with the normal part, I would agree that the surgical healing is complete.
• My hormones are finally starting to figure themselves out. I think the quasi-menopausal symptoms I was having have nearly all stopped.
• I still get very tired very easily and my immune system is not what it was prior, but I think that is just because my body is tired.
• My belly will occasionally swell still, especially after a day where I have done a lot.
• The nerve(s). Oh how I wish this would just go away. They have been really bothersome lately. Lots and lots of pain from them. I return to the doc in November for the "test" block and I am praying that it works so we can move onto the RFA - or even better, that this all settles before that point and none of it is needed.
• I have made all of the contacts needed to teach NFP and I am just waiting on the money from the diocese to take the classes.

This is not what I expected last February when the doc told me this had to happen. This is not what I ever saw in my future. But this is what we have been handed. There is so much to be thankful for. So much that He has already blessed me with. So much that I am undeserving of.

Thank you for all of the love, support, encouragement, and prayers. This journey has been tough and is not quite over, but is definitely doable compared to what others deal with. . .

Insurance ~ Again!

I received a letter in the mail today from our insurance carrier. It was addressed to me and it was not in the typical explanation of benefits envelope. My first thought was that it was another bill for something. Then I opened it. . .

The first few sentences were typical medical insurance mumbo jumbo, so I skipped to the important part where one word stood out like a sore thumb

D - E - C - L - I - N - E - D

It took me a moment to figure out what this was and before long I understood. This was for the Spinal Cord Stimulator. Apparently, they already sent it off to see if insurance would cover this device.In the letter, it stated that this therapy is considered experimental. . . much like the cryoablation that they denied a few months back!

The good thing is that this does not really matter since this was an option that we would not even consider!

Perspective

I have been thinking a lot lately about the difference between a 20 something who feels "not done" with her family versus an older, 50+ year old menopausal woman when facing a hysterectomy. . . The difference is night and day. Quality of life improves for both, but while one is raising grand kids, the other is watching her friends create and grow their families. . .

Obviously, the 'she' here is me and the other is my aunt. We both HAD to have our surgeries as there were no other options. She came home the next day and was sore for 2 days. I am 5 1/2 months out and sore does not describe the pain I still feel. She is moving on and hardly looking back at the surgery. I have good days, but have yet to have more than a few hours where I forget about this reality. The fact that her uterus is gone does not seem to bother her, yet it grieves me greatly. Even if it was never to house another life, I would still take great joy in knowing it was there. My uterus was the first home that all of my children knew. It cocooned them and cradled them. It brought forth new life.

This is all the difference in perspective that she and I have. Even my mother who thought this surgery might be in her future, was okay with the possibility and she is someone I NEVER thought would be okay with a hysterectomy. Again, the difference in knowing you are 'done' and not wanting to be done. . .

I think, however, that both of their perspectives have helped me see that this is okay. That having a hysterectomy is not the end of the world. That life goes on. That I am not less of a woman, daughter, wife, mother, sister than I was prior. . .

Que Sera, Sera

What A Small, Small World!

I am sitting in a little shock right now! For close to a year, I have been following this blog about a precious family*** whose seventh child was born with Trisomy 13. I have watched this blog and read all of her posts about losing her precious son just weeks after he entered this world. She frequently mentions her brother, Father Kevin, and I kept thinking that I know him - not only does his name sound familiar, but he looks familiar in the pictures. And the wheels kept turning and I kept trying to place him and yesterday I finally remembered how I know him (I will get to that shortly)!

Rewind to the summer of 2002. I was participating in Crossroads Pro-Life Walk. This particular summer, we walked through FL**, GA, AL, MS, and LA. We then bussed to Canada to participate in World Youth Day and see the Pope John Paul II. From there, we walked through NY and PA and ended in Washington DC at the steps of the Supreme Court. This was a witness to all life and when I say walk, I literally mean that we walked every single step - 23 hours a day someone was walking. On average each person walked about 20 miles a day, offering up everything for the unborn and praying for all to respect life.

When we were in GA, I was on the day shift with half of my team. It was the end of the day and were on some backroads with nothing around but the woods. . . enough said! This was June 26 because I remember waking up the next day and calling my little sister to wish her a Happy Birthday. Anyhow, that next day, I woke and my right calf was red and HURT. As the day went on, I felt worse and was not able to finish my shift (only 15:20 miles that day!). The weekend got closer and I deteriorated even more. We finally arrived in Savannah on Friday, June 28 where we were met by a priest. Our team leader had injured his foot and was talking with the Priest about where to get it looked at. The priest made arrangements with a local doctor to get him in, but unbeknown to me, he also made me an appointment. I tried to convince him that I was fine, that there was absolutely no need, but he insisted and you really can not say no to a priest (plus he was the Chaplain for the Fire Department and knew that whatever was going on did not look good!)! So, later that afternoon I was seen by a doctor. By this point I was running fever, my calf was even more tender and swollen. Things were getting worse. The doctor diagnosed me as being bitten by a Brown Recluse and gave me meds and strict instructions. I was also to call him on Monday with an update. I left there upset and frustrated as I was now not allowed to walk with my team. . .The priest took me to the pharmacy, filled my scripts, and bought me crutches. He then brought me to the place we were staying and made sure that I had everything I needed. He was absolutely incredible, meeting my every need. (The above picture was taken for a news article just before I went home ~ There was nothing that was going to make me stop!)

I ended up having to come home to MS and what was thought to be a brown recluse bite, turned out to be a copperhead bite! After 2 weeks inpatient, 2 surgeries to remove the necrosed tissue, and a stint in ICU, I was allowed to go home and continue recovering. The next week, I received the okay from all of my docs to surprise my team in Canada for World Youth Day! I had to stay in a wheelchair, but I was able to go and continue the journey to Washington, DC! I will NEVER forget getting out of the car in front of the bus that my team and little sister were in as they had NO idea that I was able to come. It was incredible and by far the best surprise I have ever pulled off! (The picture to the left was taken at the protestant hospital in Jackson, MS - All of us sang the rosary followed by the Ave Maria - Imagine their shock!)

Since this, I have often thought about that priest because if it were not for him, I would have never gone to the doctor. And for that, I might have never gotten help. That priest is the same priest that I have heard about for nearly a year from a family that I have never met, only known them through their blog. The Father Kevin I had been seeing in the blog, is the same Father Kevin that helped me! What a small world this is!!!!

**When we were in Jacksonville, FL, some friends of ours had a party for us. Attending this party was a young man. He took me and some fellow walkers to a local walmart to get a few things. This gentleman also took an interest in me! He would call me and write to me OFTEN! My co-walkers were insistent that he really liked me, but I was naive. Well, his persistence paid off because just 504 days later we married!

This picture was taken the day we left Florida - our first state line! Robert joined us in walking that day ~ I remember when he walked with Father and I ~ I walked ahead while Robert stayed back 100 yards or so with Father Weslin and they talked! Never would I have thought it would take us to where we are today!

***This family is now expecting their 8th child! They are an incredible witness to love, faith, and family. You can follow them on their other blog!

Still Processing. . .

Well, yesterday came and went and I had the appointment that I had waited 6 weeks for. I arrived on time for my appointment and 2 1/2 hours later I saw the doctor. He was an older man with a heavy accent. He listened to my history and performed his exam and then he told us what he thinks. . .

• The illioinguinal nerve is definitely involved, but the genitofemoral nerve is possibly involved as well.
• Nerve pain can be self limiting (3-5 years) or it can continue indefinitely.
• We have options: (1.) Old School Theory: Perform a series of 10 (or more) nerve blocks to attempt to break the cycle. This would involve going in every 1-2 weeks for a block. (2.) Perform a diagnostic nerve block and if it gives temporary relief, perform a Radiofrequency Ablation on the nerve(s) which will provide relief up to 6 months. (3.) Insert a Spinal Cord Stimulator to inhibit the transmission of pain from the nerve to my brain, an internal TENS Unit of sorts. This has been proven to work but is VERY invasive and incredibly expensive. And then there is the insurance part!
  

We decided to go with the second option as it the easiest and can provide relief quicker than option one and is less invasive than the third. I left there with very mixed feelings. . . I know that things will happen in the way that they are meant, but I am scared. I am human. I hurt. I am tired. We have a date scheduled for the diagnostic nerve block. . . DECEMBER 8. 2011 - 4 months away. That feels like an eternity, esp when my hysterectomy was 5 months ago. . .

So, while I do not have any doubts in this doctor, I am concerned with (a.) his timeliness and (b.) that it takes SO long to get in for a 5 minute procedure. One thing that I LOVED was that he did not even try to give me a prescription for narcotics. The docs that I have see thus far have and that is not what I want. . . "Fix" one problem, yet create another. . .

While I am disappointed that he does not have a quick fix, I am confidant that we are doing what is best and hopefully following His will in the process. Like my Granny always said, "Lord, I'll make the motions, YOU do the work!"

"Let nothing perturb you, nothing frighten you. All things pass. God does not change. Patience achieves everything."
~Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta